Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Make a run for the border!

Dear Loyal Readers,

I am headed down to Mexico for 6 days on a somewhat last minute trip! Last week I was jogging with MW and we hatched this plan to fly to Arizona and then drive down to San Felipe via Mexicali. MW is looking to buy a house down there and I am going to help and also just tagging along to relax, drink some draft Tecates and eat some delicious food. (I have been in chili relleno withdrawal for quite some time now; the ones up here suck!) I might post something from Mexico, but I will definitely be back in action on Wednesday May 3rd.

Here is a picture of the Sea of Cortez from San Felipe.

Related posts:
San Felipe Photos - 5/9/06
Air Travel Rant - 5/3/06
About San Felipe - 5/3/06

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Sizing Ring Wedding Band

So a while back DK and I were shopping for wedding rings. He was trying a bunch of them on and the sales person slipped a band on his finger and he went through the trying-on-movements, making a fist, wiggling his fingers, etc. He looked at me and the sales person and said, "I like this one." The sales person looked at him and said "That's a sizing ring." DK says "Well, can I get it without the numbers stamped on it?"

Related posts:
The Sports Ticker Wedding Band - 3/27/06
Mini Vacations - 3/15/06
Wedding Countdown - 3/9/06

Monday, April 24, 2006

Dear Bri,

Happy Birthday!

Related posts:
So Many May Birthdays! - 5/5/06
Today is DK's birthday! - 4/14/06
Birthday - 3/8/06

Friday, April 21, 2006

OCD Things

I have mentioned in some of my previous posts that I have some strange OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) like behavior. I don't really think that I have OCD, but these things are pretty strange. They don't really impact my life at all, so I look at them as funny little quirks. Here we go.

  • I like to always have the volume set to a multiple of five on the stereo or TV. I don't really know why, but I like to have it at 20 or 25, etc. instead of at 22 or 23, etc.

  • I do not like it when people touch my toenails, in fact I don't allow it! I don't get pedicures for this reason.

  • I get very mad if someone touches one of my eyebrows the wrong way. You know like against the grain of my eyebrow hair? I hate it! I also get agitated when DK pets Chloe or Fuzzy (our two cats) against the grain of their fur. I ask him to fix it and remind him that they do not like that!

  • I can never eat just one thing for a meal, a snack is ok, but for a meal you really need more than one thing. I also like my food to be hot. Cold food just doesn't count as a meal in my book. I like bento boxes because you usually get four different things! That is awesome!

I am pretty sure there are some other strange things that I do, but these are the big ones.

Related posts:
Commercials I Hate More Than Anything - 4/20/06

iPod Mini

I got an iPod Mini yesterday (Thanks DK!) and I have it plugged into my computer right now and it is doing mysterious iPod things. This is all very interesting and I am watching it with great curiosity as it flashes stuff on its little screen. Next I am going to buy some accessories for it. Maybe a little hard case for it so the screen doesn't get broken in the electronics death trap also known as my purse.

Related posts:
New Uglys - 7/17/06
My Dwight Schrute Bobble Head! - 7/13/06
Abe the Yeti - 6/1/06
Meet My New Ugly Doll, Wedgehead! - 5/8/06
I am a giant child that loves monsters - 3/23/06
Cube Cult-ure - 3/17/06
Keeping up in the business world - 3/16/06

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Commercials I Hate More Than Anything

These are hands down the most freaking disgusting commercials that I have ever seen. I cringe when they come on.

Lamisil (Digger)
This commercial is so terrible I have to close my eyes when it comes on. The brittle, cracked, dried out toenail is bad enough, but then when I see Digger, the little fungus monster lift up the toenail and jump in I freak out! While he's in there with his little fungus friends they are all digging around in the delicate under-toenail flesh! Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (I will post sometime about my strange OCD like behavior and how toenails are related to that.)

Ok, I guess some people have a problem with excess mucus. That is too bad, I imagine that would suck. I get congested with mucus in my upper respiratory system too sometimes when I am sick and it's a yucky feeling. However, I am pretty sure that my mucus does not wear suspenders and carry a fucking suitcase! I also feel confident that my mucus has not set up a little living room in my lungs, sinuses or bronchial tubes! Why do we have to put a face on everything? Why does mucus have to be human-like? Doesn't the artwork (if you can call it that) on these two ads look like it as drawn by the same person? Did the same ad agency come up with both of these disgusting campaigns? Fire them!

Quiznos (Bob the Talking Baby)
I love a toasty sub as much as the next person, but one thing I hate is babies with adult voices and fake mouths! It really freaks me out! I have to cover my ears and scream "Na na na na na na na na na na na na" when this commercial comes on. We have TiVo, so if DK is fast forwarding through the commercials and he sees this one, he keeps repeating it to bug me.

Can you think of any other terrible commercials? If so, tell me about them!

Related posts:
OCD Things - 4/21/06

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Men I Thought I Would Marry (but I'm glad I didn't)

I was thinking about this because I TiVo'd the Henry Rollins Show on IFC. It's decent; you should give it a try. The episode I watched had Chuck D and J5 on it.

Henry Rollins
I used to be obsessed with Henry Rollins. It's really funny because I was never a fan of Black Flag or Rollins Band and I never thought that really muscular men were attractive at all. I just always liked Henry Rollins. He is really interesting looking, all of those tattoos and he has crazy muscles and he also seems pretty smart. I was shocked when I saw him on his new show. His hair is 100% gray! I have nothing against gray hair, but I do have a problem with Henry Rollins having gray hair! It seems like his whole look is based around the color black, he is almost always wearing black pants and a black shirt and his hair needs to be black too damn it!

Philip Michael Thomas
When I was little I thought I was going to marry Tubs from Miami Vice. I was a little kid and I just assumed that because you could see people in the TV, they could see you too. Every week I would get all dressed up and sit in front of the TV waiting for Tubs to notice me. Sad huh?

Tom Petty
When I was a kid I had this poster of Tom Petty riding a camel and I figured that someday we would get married and ride around on camels together.

Anthony Kiedis
I think a lot of girls were obsessed with Anthony Kiedis despite that long girl hair he sported forever! I don't like what has happened to him recently. The blond hair is terrible and he is 44, dating a 19 year old - YUCK!

Luckily I didn't end up with any of these guys. I don't think Rollins or Kiedis are relationship material, Tom Petty could be my grandpa, and as far as Tubs goes, I don't like men who wear pastel suits.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Celebrity Sighting

On Friday night DK and I went to Lincoln Square to see a movie. (V for Vendetta) It was about 9:30 pm and we were in the elevator going up from the garage and I look over and see this guy that looks totally familiar. It hits me; it's freaking KYLE from MELROSE PLACE! (Rob Estes) So I said hi to him and he kind of looked like he recognized me (he would have no reason to of course) and said "Oh, are you (makes strange up and down motion with his hands)?" WTF does that mean? He was really nice, so I don't think it was something mean. I am stumped! Am I what, Rob? Any ideas? He has aged a bit, his hair is gray and his eyes are kind of bugging out of his head.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Cars and Bumble Love

I would like to talk about cars, specifically the many cars that I have owned and what I like to call "car kinship" and "bumble love".

I just turned 26 a month ago and in the 10 years that I have had my license, I have owned the following cars. These are listed in chronological order complete with interesting facts about them. I have added pictures for each of the cars - some are of the actual car that I owned and some of them I found on the internet.

  1. 1983 AMC Eagle (The stink bug), 2 door hatch back, two tone cat puke brown/orange-ish.
    The Eagle burned to the ground on I-90 about a month after I purchased it. That was very sad - it was a great little car. You have to check out this page from the 1983 Eagle brochure!

  2. 1987 Nissan Sentra (Not worthy of a name), 2 door hatch back, royal blue.
    The Nissan's engine blew on I-5 near Mount Vernon. I pushed it off the freeway into a gas station, gathered all of my belongings and gave the key to the gas station attendant. I told him that someone would come get it. I went home and called a mechanic up in Mount Vernon and told him that I would pay for the new engine and install if he would sell it for me for a 10% commission. He paid a high school kid $10 to scrape all of the 48 stickers off of it. I profited $200 on that car.

  3. 1998 Honda Civic (Ricky Racer - I didn't name it!), 2 door, silver.
    This was my first and only new car. It was ok and it got me where I needed to go. I sold it to my youngest brother who then sold it to my parents who then sold it to someone else. Everyone knows what this looks like, so I am not going to bother with a picture.

  4. 1999 Jeep Wrangler Sport (Delilah), rockin', black.
    I had Delilah for 4 years, the longest of any car I have owned! Delilah loved to drive through mud, sand and shallow rivers. What a fun car! It was also very convenient - if there was a line to get into the bank parking lot, I would just drive over the sidewalk and down the stairs! The funny thing about modified Jeeps is that everyone else with a modified Jeep waves at you. Most are men, so it isn't so much a wave as a few fingers rising up off the steering wheel in recognition. This was my first experience with car kinship. It's very nice but also very strange to know immediately without ever talking to the person that you have something in common.

  5. 1988 Toyota Pickup (Samson), 2 door, the lovable light blue piece of shit with 1980's graphic decals!
    Good old Samson. I bought Samson from one of my little brothers and ended up giving it back to him about 6 months later! The driver's side window doesn't roll up, the doors don't lock, it is missing the driver's side mirror, and you can pull the key out of the ignition while it's running! Samson is a piece of crap, but it's good to have a crappy car/truck because you just don't care if anything happens to it. Someone bumps you and puts a dent in it? It's their lucky day, because you can give them a get out of an insurance claim free card! It is also good to have a crappy truck for hauling stuff - who cares if the bed gets all scratched up or rusted? The headlight falls out? No problem, a few screws driven strait into the bumper and some duct tape will fix that! Samson has a bench seat so when someone would ride with me they would have to sit really far up because I have to sit close to reach the petals! :) DK and I might buy Samson back from my little brother soon!

  6. 1994 Nissan Pathfinder (Shadrac), 4 door, dirty dark green. I currently own this car.
    Shadrac was Samson's replacement. Shadrac is a good, reliable car that you can fit a lot of stuff in. I must be really hard on my cars because since got Shadrac a ton of stuff has broken. I got Shadrac from a wholesaler in Portland. It turned out to be a legit deal, but when I first walked into the giant, sign-free warehouse loaded bumper to bumper with hundreds of cars and realized that the 3 guys running the place were arguing in Farsi I was a bit concerned about what I had walked into!

  7. 1971 Volkswagen Transporter (Bumble Bee the Fun Mobile), 3 door, 12 windows, yellow and white with black interior. I currently own this car.
    What can I say, Bumble is my favorite car in the world. I am lucky that the cars I really want aren't very expensive! I tease DK that my German car is better than his German car. (He has a 2002 BMW 330 that he named Kit (Night Rider) because it has so many gadgets. I am going to dedicate a whole post to Kit's 007-like gadgets!) I was originally looking for a blue and white transporter that I was going to name Big Blue. When I found Bumble I immediately realized that she was the one for me even though she isn't blue!

    I have even created names for all of the models. Transporters are called Bumbles, Westfalias are called Wumbles, Vanagons are called Vumbles and Eurovans are called Eurumbles (pronounced yer-umbles)!

    You really don't see many transporters in this area. Transporters have the same kind of car kinship as modified Jeeps do, but I call it bumble love! When I discovered this I was so excited! A few weekends ago DK and I were heading out to Woodinville for a day of wine tasting. We were on the 405 headed north and out of the corner of my eye I see a red and white Bumble in excellent condition. As it passed us, the little boy (he was maybe 7 or so) in the back seat held up his hand like a peace sign and just kept watching us. Super cute! I was waving like crazy at him. I always honk at Bumble drivers and they honk back at me - it's really fun.

Related posts:
Little Miss Sunshine - 7/19/06
Camping - 6/14/06
Wanted: Pop Rivet Gun - 3/22/06
Shiny New Things - 3/2/06
Watch Out Bitches! - 2/28/06
Smoking & Bumble - 2/16/06

Friday, April 14, 2006

Today is DK's birthday!

Yay! Happy Birthday DK!

Related posts:
So Many May Birthdays! - 5/5/06
Dear Bri, - 4/24/06
Birthday - 3/8/06

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Home Owner's Association President

In 1999 I bought a house on a cute little dead-end street. I was so excited, it was my first house and I was going to paint all of the rooms exactly how I wanted and do all of the other stuff that's against the rules when you live in an apartment! I also loved the layout. It had huge vaulted ceilings, some were almost 30 feet high, an open kitchen, a loft style master bedroom and the master bathroom had a giant jetted tub with a large skylight above it and a spot for a TV! It was the perfect size for me. It had three bedrooms, one for me, one for my home office and one for my cats!

I didn't know much about the neighbors when I moved in, but hey, I'm a friendly person and I figured I would quickly make friends with them. After I moved in I realized that at 19 I was the youngest in the neighborhood by at least 50 years. Ok - I can work with that, old people are usually nice. So I was now living in an unofficial retirement community! Awesome. My own little Leisure World, Geezer's Palace.

It was a small neighborhood with only 9 houses. One of the neighbor ladies came over to welcome me and told me that she was so excited to see that a single young woman had moved in. I thought this was a strange thing to say, but whatever, she's old so I should cut her some slack. She proceeded to tell me that all of the 9 original home owners were single women and that within a year of each one moving in, they were married. They had nicknamed the street the "Nuptial Neighborhood". Oh that's just fucking great! You try to avoid catching every damn bouquet thrown at every wedding you have ever been to and then you are unknowingly cursed because of the house you just bought! Damn it, why don't they have a return policy on houses like they do on other stuff?!?!? This was exactly what I need, a bunch of old ladies spying on me to see how I was doing finding a husband, or GOD FORBID trying to help me find one! Breath, breath, make the best of it. When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your enemy's eye... oh, that's not how it goes is it?

The q-tips were actually quite nice at first. I was traveling a lot and my older brother T moved in with me. The neighbors liked having the youngin's around because we could lift heavy shit for them and we thought they were ok too. We never had to worry about anyone breaking into the house because they were constantly keeping watch over the neighborhood while we were at work. This might work out ok. WRONG! I was in Mexico for a few weeks and I was going to miss the Home Owner's Association (HOA) meeting. I decided to send T as my representative because I had no idea what would take place and perhaps there was some useful information that I would need to know. WRONG AGAIN! I guess the old ones don't take kindly to people who choose to vacation instead of honor their duties as home owners. I was a marked woman. At this meeting they elected me as the freaking HOA President! T didn't even decline the nominations for me! I got home from Mexico all relaxed and tan and found a box of files sitting on my kitchen counter dating back to 1986 (I was in first grade that year) about worthless bullshit that I could never possibly care about. Now I would have to host all of the HOA meetings in my house. Shit!

By the time the first meeting after my election came around I was getting used to the idea of being the President. Then one of the old ladies called me to tell me that I HAD to provide beverages and cookies for the meeting. So let me get this strait. You are coming over to my house for a meeting and you are telling me what to serve? Nice. I was already planning to provide refreshments and snacks, but to have someone tell you that you HAVE to do it is rude. So I buy the cookies, cheese and crackers, soda, tea, bottled water, etc. and guess what? No one except the old single guy across the street ate or drank ANYTHING! Not even the old bat that told me I HAD to buy it!

Here are some of the interesting things that went on at the HOA meetings.

The old people spent an entire hour arguing over how to say in the Covenants, Codes and Regulations (CC&R's) that your pet cannot pee or poo in anyone else's yard. Are you fucking kidding me? Just write "Your pet cannot pee or poo in anyone else's yard"! Done, and it only took 5 seconds! We're not trying to win a Pulitzer Prize here; we just need to get the god damn point across in plain fucking English! I later avoided this type of time wasting crap by providing a detailed, printed agenda at the beginning of the meeting with only 15 minutes allotted to each discussion item. They learned really quickly to get to the point because once the 15 minutes was up for that item, they would have to wait 6 months for the next meeting to blab out it some more! He he heeeee! ;)

At some point the noise from my garage that we had converted into a personal bar/adult rec-room came up. The two oldest ladies (in their late 80's) were concerned about the sound of the pool balls clicking together, (no joke) and wanted to impose a neighborhood noise ordinance in addition to the city noise ordinance. I knew this was going to come up in the meeting because as the HOA President all complaints needed to be forwarded to me, even if they were complaints about me! Before the meeting I had contacted the police department and obtained the written noise ordinances. The old ladies LIED and said that they had contacted the police and that there was a city-wide noise curfew of 8:00 PM for any type of noise. I immediately called them out on it and told them that I had the real city noise ordinances and they say no such thing! Then I passed the paper around the room for everyone to see. YOU ARE SO BUSTED BLUE-HAIRS! The city noise ordinance is divided into different categories including amplified, non-amplified (voices, etc.), sports, and construction. Pool is a sport and there isn't a cut off time for sports related noises! Ha ha haaaaa, got 'em again! The old ladies then proposed creating a neighborhood noise ordinance. The wife of one of the nice old couples piped up and asked in her sweet little grandma voice "If we do impose a neighborhood noise ordinance and it is summer time and Bob* and I have the windows open and are DOIN' THE NASTY, would that be a violation?" My jaw dropped, oh my god, did she just say "doin' the nasty"? Holy shit, your rock old lady! :) They were my favorite of the neighbors. The proposed neighborhood noise ordinance was struck down and all was peaceful again in my life. (*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the old and horny.)

Since we were the only people in the neighborhood that still worked everyone was in the habit of bringing their garbage and recycle cans in promptly on garbage morning. There was no way that I was going to leave work at 10:00 am to come home and put the cans in. One of the neighbors would roll the cans from the street into my driveway, blocking my parking spot. Very fucking rude! I got so sick of coming home after work and having to park my car on the street, put the garage door up, get out of the car, put the cans in the garage, get back in my car and then park in my driveway. The solution you ask? Just put the garage door up and ram the empty cans into your garage with your truck!

I also love having garage sales. Just once a year, not every freaking weekend. You get rid of all your old shit and make some money too! One of the neighbors wanted to add to the CC&R's that garage sales weren't allowed. Why you ask? "Because it brings the Mexicans into the neighborhood to case our houses to rob later". Alrighty then, thanks for sharing dude. Thankfully, that brilliant idea was struck down too.

When I put the house on the market in 2005 the crazy old lady next door decided to ambush one of the agents who came to see it. She ran up to the agent as she was leaving as said "I'll sell my house for a lot less than she is selling hers for!" I heard all of this so I walked up to her and told her that if she wanted to put her house on the market she was of course welcome to do so, but that she was not allowed to talk to anyone coming in or out of my house. She assured me that I misheard her and that she was absolutely NOT going to sell her house. I knew she was lying. A week later she put her house on the market. LIAR! It actually worked to my advantage in the end because her house was such a stinky, cluttered, nasty dump, it made my house look like a gem! I sold mine and moved and she took hers off the market and stayed. She was determined to make my life miserable until the moment we drove away in the moving truck.

The moral of this story is to never buy a house in a neighborhood with a Home Owner's Association.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Talking in my sleep

I love to sleep. I especially love that feeling you get when you are just about to fall asleep and you are all warm and comfortable and ready to drift off.

I am a really active sleeper. This hasn't really bothered me at all since I am also a very sound sleeper. DK can grab my arms and wiggle them around and I don't even wake up. I also talk in my sleep. This can be kind of funny but sometimes kind of scary and worrisome too. DK stays up later than I do, so he gets to experience a lot of this craziness. Here are a few examples:

1) The land line phone.
A few years ago when I still had a land line phone in my old house I woke up and realized that I was holding the phone to my ear. I looked over at the caller ID box on the nightstand and noticed that I was connected to my neighbor KL's line and that I had been on the phone for almost TEN MINUTES! Then I hear "Ashley? Are you ok? Are you there?" Fuck! I have been talking in my sleep to my neighbor, probably making no sense at all and maybe even being very mean! (When I talk in my sleep I either make no sense or I am very sweet or very mean, more on this later.) He probably called me about some Home Owners Association bullshit since I was the association president at the time. (Fun times, that will get it's own post!) I said "I'll call you back!!" and slammed the phone down. He never mentioned it and neither did I.

2) Bad dreams
Sometimes if I am having a bad dream I will start talking in my sleep. One time I was having this dream that someone was vandalizing my old Jeep (it was my baby). I was so mad that I rolled over to face DK and in this totally demonic voice I said "Fuuuckk Yooooou!" and then I rolled back over. Very creepy, I know!

3) Bears
One night I feel asleep on the couch and DK was trying to wake me up to go to bed. I kept telling him that I didn't want to get up because there were bears outside.

4) Ugly dolls
As you may know from a previous post, I have 6 ugly dolls. I keep 3 of them at work and 3 of them at home. (I used to have them all at home, but with 2 people, 2 cats, 6 ugly dolls and 1 monkey, our bed was getting way too crowded!) I have made up voices and personalities for each of the ugly dolls and I make them talk to DK pretty much everyday and occasionally to my friends. Dangles the monkey dances every night to a theme song from a TV show. Usually DK puts on Law and Order and that is Dangles' favorite song to dance to. He also likes the theme song from Monk. What can I say, I am easily entertained and DK puts up with me. :) At home our uglies include Jeero and Babo. Jeero has a scary, deep monster voice and Babo has a cute but annoying baby voice and speaks in the first person. One night after falling asleep, I started talking like Jeero and Babo! It must have been so exorcist like! If DK didn't know about the ugly doll voices he would have been soooo freaked out! Ha ha haaaaaa!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I am the Pong champion and I even have a belt to prove it!

I was just thinking about Pong and how much I love it so I thought I would tell this story.

In 2001 I got a job as a UI designer at a start-up. This is the job where DK interviewed me and voted NOT to hire me! (He was right that I was under qualified for the position.) Good thing he was overruled because now we are getting married! And no, he will never live that down. ;) Nuclear Toast also worked there and the three of us became friends and lunch buddies. Why oh why did the world have to take Schlotsky's Deli away from me? I loved that spicy ranch sauce and the jalapeno cheese bread so much.

This office was really fun. The conference rooms used an Atari naming convention. (Frogger, Space Invaders, Centipede, etc.) But this company didn't just talk the talk, they walked the walk! We actually had all of these wonderful vintage arcade games in the office and you didn't even need quarters! There are two games that I love more than any others games in the whole wide world, Pole Position and Pong*. To my delight, we had both of these games! We also had BBQ's every Friday with tons of food and beer. That was a huge bonus too. (*The Pong in this story is actually not made by Atari, it is a [gasp] knock-off from 1978! The brand is called Challenger. But it doesn't matter; you wouldn't love your kid any less if there was something different about him/her would you? Same thing here.)

After I had worked there for a few months I went on vacation. When I came back my chair had been replaced by a couch and Pong was right next to my desk. Sweet, sweet Pong! I had to get rid of the couch because I kept falling asleep and I make strange noises in my sleep. Some people say I snore, but really I just breathe really weird. Sometimes I talk in my sleep too, but that needs its own post. Everyone would come over and play Pong with me and most would walk away with their tails between their legs. I even let people play with two paddles and I would only play with Twitchy* and I would still beat their asses! (*One of the paddles would twitch around randomly, making it was hard to control so we named it Twitchy.)

Disclaimer: Nuclear Toast and DK are also very good at Pong and sometimes they would beat me.

After rounds and rounds of layoffs, the time came to move out of the office into a smaller space for the six of us remaining. When we were packing up our belongings my boss said that I could take Pong home with me! Yea! Pong was finally MINE!

Pong enjoyed a long life in my old garage. We didn't waste the garage storing our cars; we turned it into our own personal bar complete with couches, a lazy boy, digital cable, a fridge, a pool table and tons of other fun stuff! The neighbors loved that!
The garage:

We would spend long nights sitting in the garage playing Pong and squealing with delight. It occurred to me that we needed some type of system to keep track of the reigning Pong Master (that was always me of course). So I ordered a plastic championship belt similar to this one, but much cheaper looking. Then I waited patiently for my prey. I stowed the belt away behind Pong and tried to get someone to agree to play against me (this got harder and harder as time went on). I finally found my victim and whooped their ass. I reached behind Pong, grabbed the belt, held it high over my head in victory and screamed as loud as I could for as long as I could. Then I put the belt on and announced that I was the Pong Master! You wouldn’t believe the astonished look on my guest’s faces, it was freaking hilarious! I still have the belt stored away and Pong is now in our entry way at our new house.

The end.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Jelly Bellies

I am so pissed off right now! I just put my quarter in the vending machine for some Jelly Bellies and when the little fellas rolled out of the chute I noticed that they looked different than normal. I am sitting at my desk eating them and I now know what the problem is... These are the gross flavors! OMG - did the vending machine guy fill it up with the "Jelly Belly Ass Flavored Assortment" or something!?!?! Did he pick out all of the good flavors? Good god! Peanut butter, buttered popcorn and fake spearmint? Are you kidding me? These are all good flavors when you are eating the actual food, but they don't translate well into Jelly Beans! Don't they have a fucking test kitchen or am I their guinea pig? Jelly Bellies are my new cigarettes and this is not how it is supposed to be!

Related posts:
Smoking & Bumble - 2/16/06

Free Cowboy Hats

I guess I am one of the few people in the world who knows about this. Please let me know in the comments if you have ever heard of this.

Have you ever been in a restroom or porta-potty and noticed that someone wrote "Free Cowboy Hats" on the seat cover dispenser? If you put one on your head it does kind of look like a cowboy hat, and it is free. You see this more in porta-potties than in real bathrooms.

A few weekends ago Bri and I were wine tasting in Woodinville. We had gone to seven wineries in a few hours and then we went to Carmine's in Kenmore for drinks. EC was mixing the vodka tonics on the strong side as usual, a glass of vodka, splash of tonic and a slice of lime. Yummy. So after three of those I was officially drunk.

Let me give you a little background on Carmine's. It used to be the Empire, a fun little bar that we frequented when CL lived right down the street. EC's dad owned it and EC would play and sing there on certain nights. It was a slightly rowdy place complete with pull tabs, fights, roofies and wrestling on the floor back by the dart boards. EC's dad turned it into Carmine's, a fancy steakhouse with a beautiful bar where the dart boards used to be. It's funny to sit in this candle lit, swanky bar and think that not too long ago my friends were wrestling on that very same floor.

I went to the newly remodeled, fancy ladies room (nice job on the wallpaper C!) and started laughing to myself at the toilet seat covers. Free Cowboy Hats. I grabbed one of the free cowboy hats for Bri, folded it up and put it in my pocket. You see, Bri just bought a brand new pickup truck, so she needs to wear a cowboy hat. I figured it would be close to impossible to convince her to buy one, so a free one would have to do. I went back to the bar where CG, T and Bri were sitting. There was also some random guy sitting a few stools down from us.

Without anyone saying anything I start laughing like crazy. The kind of laugh were you can't catch your breath and you can't really talk and tears are streaming down your face. They are all looking at me like I am crazy and I am trying to explain to them about the free cowboy hats, but the words just weren't coming out right. It probably sounded something like "fr-- cow-oy hhhhhhhhhhaattts, so ooo ooooooo -unny!"

I whip the folded up cowboy hat out of my pocket and hand it to Bri. Bri unfolds it and looks at me like what the fuck is this? Finally my laughing fit subsides and I am able to tell Bri that I got a free cowboy hat for her. She is perplexed, she has never heard of a free cowboy hat before and neither has T or CG! Oh my god! How can this be? We are about to leave and Bri asks EC if he has ever heard of a free cow... EC cuts her off and says "Oh, you mean a free cowboy hat?" Ha! I am not the only one!

We went out to Bri's truck and T stuck the cowboy hat over the antenna. Cute.

Later that night we ended up at the Workshop and sang karaoke. Good times.

My new mission is to spread the joy of free cowboy hats to every man, woman and child in the country and possibly the world. So next time you are in a porta-potty and the seat cover dispenser says free cowboy hats on it, there is a good chance that it came from my sharpie. (I am going to stick to porta-potties and not write it in real bathrooms.)

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

Blind person with skateboard crossing
Port Townsend, WA

In most cases?
International District, Seattle, WA

Two words for you: natural selection.
Sequim, WA

Don't Touch... (they what?)
Sequim, WA

Caution! Children Teeter-Tottering Ahead
Port Townsend, WA

Make a Wish

I know a lot of people are going to be pissed about this, but I don't care. I'm not going to argue politics with you in the comments because I gave up on politics in November of 2004.

On Monday a group of us took the day off to go to opening day at Safeco Field and watch the M's play. The first person to run the bases that day was an eight year old cancer patient. It was really nice that the Make a Wish Foundation and the Seattle Mariners could make this little boy's dream come true. Thankfully the child is in complete remission.

The question came up, what would you do if you were dying and could do one thing that you have always dreamed of. The guys answered the obvious, go to the playboy mansion for a party. (Are you reading this Larry David? Probably not.) I had to really think about what I would do. I couldn't think of anything that I really needed to do before I died. Then something popped into my mind. I would ask the Make a Wish Foundation to arrange for me to spit* on George W. Bush. I am not sure why I thought of this. Sure, I don't like W and I think he is a horrible president and I don't know how he lives with himself, but I have never really wanted to spit on someone before. Picture this. Here I am, a little eight year old girl dying of some terribly painful disease and I make my one last wish. How could W say no? He would look like even more of an ass wipe if he did!

*Note to the Secret Service: I do not have any type of disease or illness that would make spitting on someone the least bit dangerous. It would only be offensive.

Related posts:
Asshole! - 7/14/06
My Worst Nightmare - 3/10/06

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Giant Bush

(This is not a momma joke or porn!)
I was jogging on Thursday and saw this beautiful bush sculpture a few blocks from our house. How freaking awesome is this? Is it a slug, snail, alien, or Loch Ness monster? I think it is a slug, but I am going to pretend that it's a Loch Ness monster.

Crusted Layers of Decorations

Picture this. Going out of control decorating for every holiday, but never taking the decorations down. What would this look like? DK and I found the answer in Port Townsend.