Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Air Travel Rant

Oh wow, I didn't realize till after I finished writing this post how mad I am about it! On my recent trip I noticed a few things about air travel.

First off, let me start by saying that I was on a 5:30 am flight from Seattle to Phoenix. This guy a few rows behind me gets up and starts walking towards the cockpit doors, he is swaying and weaving and all of a sudden he goes down like a ton of bricks. He was probably about my age, but if he was an old person I would have thought he had a heart attack or something. He went down so fast and didn't even attempt to break his fall. His head smacked against someone's arm rest and he was out like a fucking light, lying in the isle right by my row. Everyone is just staring in complete disbelief. All the way at the back of the plane the flight attendants are gabbing away with each other and paying absolutely no attention. So I stand up and yell as loud as I can "HELP, SOMEBODY HELP!" Total panic ensues. The last thing you want to hear on an airplane is someone frantically screaming for help. Not cool. But for all I knew this guy is about to take the big dirt nap and no one is even attempting to see if he is breathing. Luckily a passenger a few rows back was a nurse and she got everything all cleared up. I guess the guy was feeling nauseous and next thing he knew he woke up on the floor with a serious headache and a big purple bump on his head.

Have you noticed lately how everything in an airplane is a freaking billboard? They try to sell shit right and left on the plane. You put your tray table down to set your free half a can of Ginger ale on and there is a fucking Verizon Wireless ad covering the whole surface! You are forced to sit through the flight attendant's pitch about the great mileage rewards on the credit card that she wants you to sign up for. What would they do if I plugged my ears and screamed "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na I can't hear you! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na I STILL can't hear you!" I'll tell you what they would do, they would open the emergency exit and toss my ass out for being disobedient and not complying with the flight attendant while she is asking me to please be quiet and trying to pull my hands away from my ears! Is it just because they literally have a captive audience that they think they can get away with this bullshit? I think I have a right to ask that I not be barraged with advertisements, especially when I paid over $300 for a 3 hour flight. Since the airlines are making all of this money off of advertising, why don't they discount my ticket? The beverage napkins even had an ad for P.F. Chang’s and the foaming soap in the lavatory was heavily branded with Dial logos. Fuck this! Why am I paying over $100 per hour to see someone's advertisements?

I hate it when people say incredibly stupid things. On my trip one of the flight attendants was going through the motions explaining the safety features and procedures he said "In the unlikely even of a water landing pull up on the back of your seat bottom cushion, put both arms through the red straps on the back and hold it close to your chest. When you enter the water, assume a floating position." What? Versus THE SINKING POSITION? If we have to tell someone to float in water so they don’t drown, it may just be best not to tell them and let nature take its course!

One more thing. You know how they want you to brace yourself by putting your head down and hugging your legs in the event of an emergency landing? Guess what? They have stolen so many inches of space between your seat and the seat in front of you that it is nearly impossible to assume the emergency position! Yes, that's right folks, I am 5' 4" and pack around just a few extra pounds and I would not be able to get into the emergency position because the seat in front of me is too close. Bitches!

Related posts:
San Felipe Photos - 5/9/06
About San Felipe - 5/3/06
Make a run for the border! - 4/26/06


Philip said...

next time i"ll sit next to you and you can put your head in between my legs huh huh

Ash said...

OMG Philip, you are such a perv.

Nuclear Toast said...

You know, in the unlikely event of a water landing, I think I'll try floating on my own. There is no way in hell I'm going to hug a seat cushion that countless people have farted into. I don't need to live that bad.