Friday, March 10, 2006

My Worst Nightmare

Summary from the AFP:
PARIS (AFP) - The Pentagon is reportedly funding research into neural implants with the ultimate hope of turning sharks into "stealth spies" capable of gliding undetected through the ocean. According to the British weekly New Scientist, the research builds on experimental work to control animals by implanting tiny electrodes in their brain, which are then stimulated to induce a behavioral response.
Read the article.

Ashley Says:
This is a terrible fucking idea! Hasn't anyone seen Jaws? "... stimulated to induce a behavioral response." You mean a behavioral response like KILL?

What happens when lightning strikes the ocean or something crazy like that tweaks the brain implants and all of the sharks go nuts and jump out of the water and snatch people right off of boats?

Or what if someone that the government doesn't like is on vacation in Florida and decides to take a dip in the ocean. Sounds safe right? Will the government use their brain implanted killing machines to just swim over and gobble up the target? Why leak a CIA agent's name to the press when you can just plan a shark attack instead? "Oh no public, that wasn't one of the mutant robot brain implanted sharks, that was a 100% natural shark that got her! Our official position is that sometimes shit happens!"

Here is what I think the government-controlled-mutant-robot-brain-implanted-shark-remote will look like. Picture it in the cold, slimy hand of W.

Related posts:
Asshole! - 7/14/06
Make a Wish - 4/6/06


Sam said...

just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you.

Ash said...

Amen Sam, whoever you are! Since I don't think I know you in real life it is worth mentioning that I have "Selachophobia" which is an intense fear of sharks. I haven't been officially diagnosed, but I am pretty sure that's what it is since I won't go in ANY natural water, even lakes or rivers. Also, if I see a shark on TV, I have to lift my legs up just incase one is under the couch.

Now, I am a reasonable, logical person and I know that sharks do not live in lakes or rivers or under couches, but I still panic. It is just a totally irrational fear.

I think this is all my brother Tyler's fault. My dad agrees. When I was maybe 5 or 6 years old we were all fishing in the San Juan Islands and I caught a dogfish. (Some people call them sand sharks because they look just like little sharks!) When the dogfish was at the surface of the water, Ty grabbed the line and pulled it into the boat and waved it in front of my face and screamed that we were all going to die because it was a shark. I was so scared that I was hyperventilating and that was the beginning. Ty denies this ever happened, but my dad remembers it just like I do.

Also, in October of 2004 I was in New Orleans with DK and we went to the Aquarium of the Americas and I put my finger in the water with a baby nurse shark. That was a huge deal for me. It took me two times through the line and watching a pack of kindergarteners pet the shark before I did it.

Nuclear Toast said...

I think this blog has officially jumped the shark.