Dear Santa,

Here is what I would like for Christmas. I have been really good all year.

• Coupon organizer


• Compass Jones chapter 36


• 8 person hot tub


• Small boat (that floats and has a motor that works.)


• Cheese


• Mac & cheese


• Cheese sauce


• Nachos


• Quesadilla (remember... no carrots or broccoli!!!)


• Winning lotto ticket


• Monkey (a friendly one that doesn't bite or throw poo.)


• 2 Alpacas


• Chinchilla


• 1976 - 78 Trans Am


• World peace


• A president who speaks English


• PJ's with feet

Camel Toad

Bri from The Chronicles of A Nini emailed this to me. I told her to blog it, but she is on vacation so she asked me to blog it for her.

One word: HILARIOUS!

(Click to enlarge)

Gym Update - 12/17/07

Ok - I am a total slacker. I only went to the gym ONCE last week. Oops!

Yuckadilla

Today I ordered takeout from Azteca. When I get Mexican takeout and eat at my desk, I usually get a quesadilla (no meat) with a side of rice and beans.

I really like nachos better, but they are messy and I can’t work and eat them at the same time because I would get beans and cheese grease all over my keyboard and mouse. Nasty!

I called in my order just like I always do. Here is a rough transcript of my call.

Azteca lady: Ello, tank you for calling Azteca Redman.
Me: Hi, can I make a to-go order please?
Azteca lady: Yez, one minat…
Azteca lady: K, what can I get you?
Me: Can I please have a cheese quesadilla, no meat with a half side order of both rice and beans?
Azteca lady: No meat? Yez?
Me: Right, no meat.
Azteca lady: k – it ready in tin minat.
Me: Ok – thanks.
Azteca lady: Bye.
Me: Bye.
End of call.

I hop in my car, drive to Azteca, pick up my bag of food and drive back to my office. Yum! I can hardly wait! I get to my desk and start opening the take out containers. The rice looks good – the beans look great – they gave me a big bag of chips with extra salsa – guacamole and sour cream: check.

W-T-F is this? My quesadilla is in a whole wheat tortilla and stuffed with broccoli and carrots! WTF?!!?!? Ahhhhhgggggggghhhhhhhggggg! I like all of these ingredients, JUST NOT TOGETHER - IN MEXICAN FOOD! When I order a cheese quesadilla, I expect cheese and tortilla and maybe a touch of pico de gallo*! Not fucking garden vegetables! Does “no meat” really mean “load that fucker up with vegetables and other healthy shit”? Do they think that because I don’t eat meat that I need some extra broccoli and carrots in my diet? Do they assume that because I don’t eat meat I would want a whole wheat tortilla? I was so disappointed.

* Totally unrelated to the story, but did you know that pico de gallo means “rooster's beak” in Spanish. Huh? What’s up with that?!?!

I call them back and explain that I think I got the wrong thing. They were very nice and said to come back and they would quickly fix a NORMAL quesadilla. I was happy with that. I put the untouched yuckadilla in the kitchen with a post-it note on it saying that if someone wanted it they could take it and someone took it! I was kind of surprised but to each his own.

Gym Update - 12/10/07

I went to the gym 3 times last week.

Burt Builds a Bandit

I want one of these sooooooo bad! It's really my childhood dream.


Burt Builds a Bandit - 1

Snow, wind, rain - STOP!

Yikes! This weather sucks!

On Saturday DK and I were wine tasting all day in Woodinville. It started to snow in the afternoon and that was fun & exciting. Everything looks so pretty covered in snow. I was so excited! I couldn’t imagine a better day than drinking good wine with my wonderful husband and watching the snow fall all around us. The novelty soon wore off when it was time to drive home after dinner. By that time there must have been 4 inches of snow on the roads. To say the least it was an eventful trip.

I put the Pathfinder in 4-Low for the 15 mile drive home. As we were getting on the 522 in Woodinville I lost control on the ramp and ended up facing the wrong direction. Yikes. I got back on track and kept on going. We approached the ramp for the 405 south; you may know the one, it must be 2 stories or more above the freeway. We were inching along, shocked by all the cars on the guardrail or the few that had spun out and were facing in the wrong direction. All of a sudden the Pathfinder starts sliding sideways towards the guardrail. Luckily we hit a section that didn’t already have a car on it and we were only going a few miles per hour. I have never been up-close and personal with a guardrail before but I was pleased to learn that they have a little concrete curb on them so if you hit them with the side of your car, completely parallel like I did, that little curb hits your tires first and keeps the body of your car from hitting the actual concrete and metal rail. (*See diagram below.) Awesome! Disaster averted! We drove the rest of the way home going 25-30 on the 405. I was really happy to get home.

On Sunday I was out wine tasting again with Bri. The roads where clear but it was dumping rain. We had a great time and later met the husbands in Bellevue for dinner. At dinner DK told me that it was really windy at our house. At one point he heard a banging noise. An hour or so later he realized that we had left the mudroom door unlocked and the wind BLEW it open! Holy crap! He walked out the door to find our two cats (who are NOT allowed outside - ever) sniffing around our garden shed! I am so glad he found them! I guess they knew they weren’t supposed to be out there because they ran back into the house on their own without DK even having to chase them down. I suspect that a short time in the wind and rain was too much for our spoiled little babies.

The rain is still pouring down and as of this morning our driveway has turned into a pond and the mini-horse farm near our house no longer has pasture land, it has a lake!

Gym Update - 12/3/07

I went to the gym 3 times last week.

December Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
BB - 12/6
Fuzzy - 12/24
SG - 12/29
Oafie - 12/31

Fixin’ my Bumble – Fit to be tied, literally

Most of you know (and love) Bumble my 1971 VW Transporter. I love Bumble. I find that when I am driving Bumble I smile a lot. It just makes me happier. But of course with old cars come little problems. Luckily, old cars are also easy to work on if you need to fix little things here or there.

That brings me to this morning...

My morning commute is not bad at all. 15 minutes usually. I start by driving about 2 miles on hilly surface streets. Then I hop on the freeway and drive for about 6 miles, exit and drive a mile or so to my office. Usually on cold mornings Bumble will stall at the bottom of each of the 2 big hills I drive over to get to the freeway. No big deal. I know when it’s going to happen, so if I hear the engine sputter a little I just give it a touch of gas or let it stall and crank it over again when the light turns green. Once I get on the freeway the engine warms up and it won’t stall again.

This morning Bumble didn’t stall at all! I was shocked! Wonderful! Amazing! Then I was idling in neutral at a stop and noticed that the engine was idling higher than normal. The tachometer doesn’t work so I have to listen for when to shift, etc. The idle sounded out of the ordinary. Oh well, at least it’s not stalling! I continued on my way. I got off the freeway and was pulling into my office parking lot when I realized that my gas pedal was stuck about half way down! I put it in neutral and coasted into a spot with the engine revving. I pulled the parking break and reached down and pulled the gas pedal back up.

I think the pedal mechanism just needs to be oiled so I am going to try that. For now I tied a piece of twine around the gas pedal and tied it to my dash board with enough slack that I can floor it on the freeway. Then when the pedal sticks down I can just pull on the twine and that makes it pop back up!

A Very Merry Christmas

Brently emailed this to me and I thought it was soooooo awesome I had to share it. Behold the beer tree...

Cute LOL Cat

moar funny pictures

Gym Update - 11/26/07

I only went to the gym twice last week. What can I say, I was too busy being lazy and eating my way through the holiday weekend. :) I did go for a 2 mile brisk walk on Friday so I think that kind of makes up for not going to the gym 3 times.

The Craft Addict

For some reason I have been feeling really crafty lately. It's like I got brainwashed by Martha Stewart or something.

I have spent $200 on beads (and beading supplies) in the past week. This is more expensive than crack.

I have also been knitting, learning to crochet and I have an extreme desire to start back up on the sock monsters. Seriously I am a compulsive craft addict. I finish something and I just want to make more!

I figured I need to sell this shit or I really can't make any more. How many necklace and earring sets can one person own? I called I Heart Rummage to see if I can get into their 12/16 Seattle show. I am waiting to hear back from them. I don't think I will get in because they limit the amount of jewelry vendors and the deadline was 5 days ago. Plus, 12/16 is the last show until Christmas so I am sure it's full and probably already has a waiting list.

Any other ideas of where I can sell this stuff?

Also, on the off chance that I can get into I Heart Rummage I need a business name. I was thinking the price tags could have a picture of Bumble and I could call it Bumble Beead Works.

Gym Update - 11/16/07

I went to the gym 3 times this week.

Tomorrow I will be a millionaire.

I have 10 tickets for the Washington State Lotto 25 Year Anniversary Raffle. The drawing is tonight. Only 375,000 tickets were sold. This game offers the best odds the lotto has ever offered. They are giving away a total 3.75 million. Since it is a raffle, each ticket number is unique so prizes cannot be split.

The prizes are as follows:
$1 million – 3 winning tickets
$100,000 – 4 winning tickets
$1,000 – 350 winning tickets

The most I can win with my 10 tickets is $3,403,000.

Wish me luck!

Panera breakfast sandwich = crazy delicious

I love Panera. The sandwiches and soup are sooooo good. I skipped dinner last night so I decided to go to Panera this morning to pick up a breakfast sandwich to go. Yummy is the word that comes to mind. Picture two pieces of grilled ciabatta bread with a scrambled egg and white cheddar melted inside. Yum. I recommend pairing the cheese and egg sandwich with a giant fountain Sprite. Everyone knows that fountain Sprite is better than canned or bottled Sprite. I think it has more bubbles. I like bubbles.

Now if only they would put the Schlotzsky's back I could have Panera for breakfast and Schlotzsky's for lunch. 3 words that make me happy: spicy ranch sauce. Freaking delicious! I miss Schlotzsky's so much. The closest one is 149 miles away in Aloha, OR. Sad.

P.S. I think this loaf of bread is so cool! I want to buy one and bring it to a Christmas dinner party or something. If you invite me over for a Christmas party you may get one of these. But no promises!

Masked Bandit

Last week I was sitting on my front porch around 10:00 pm reading a book. I heard a few noises in the bushes but didn't think anything of it. Our neighborhood has lots of outdoor cats and lots of strays. Then I heard a noise in the grass right in front of me. I look up and there is a cocker spaniel-sized raccoon standing right by my foot, staring at me.

OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG!

It was so close I could have kicked it. I love animals but I DO NOT like raccoons. I don't want to hurt them, but they are dangerous and volatile** and I don’t want them anywhere near me. Unfortunately, the ones in our neighborhood are supersized and not the least bit frightened of humans.

I let out a shriek and froze like one of those creepy living statues. It looked surprised and took a step back. In a split second different scenarios were running through my head.
Should I not move and hope it moves away?
Should I grab my pet rock on the table next to me and whack it over the head?
Should I try to kick it?
Should I throw my book at it?
Should I throw my bottle of water at it?
Should I scream and wave my arms around like a maniac?
Are raccoons even scared of maniacs?

I went with option one, stay still and hope it moves away while silently repeating “get away” to myself. That worked. He backed away from me a few feet and then he turned and scurried off into the bushes. Yikes – It took over an hour for me to start breathing normally again and for the adrenaline to die down. It scared me so bad that it made me nauseous.

Do not let a raccoon’s adorable little face and chubby body fool you! They are finely tuned killing machines! They lure you in with their cuteness or sneak up on you when you are minding your own business reading a book and then BAM – they attack! I was lucky to avoid the attack.

**I used to work at this web dev place and one of my co-workers told me that his grandpa was killed by a raccoon! Kind of a strange fluke thing, but he said that a raccoon got into his grandpa’s cabin. The grandpa was a mountain man – no phone, no electricity, no neighbors, etc. He tried to swat the raccoon out the front door with a broom or something. The raccoon bit him on the wrist and latched on. The old man’s first and only instinct was to shake it off. In the process his wrist really got torn up and he ended up bleeding to death because there was no way to get help. I realize that story may not even be true (although I think it is) and it’s a really strange and rare sequence of events, but I am not taking any chances!

Gym update and weigh in - 11/12/07

Call CNN!!! I went to the gym 3 times last week.

I also got weighed and measured on Friday. In the past 6 weeks I have lost 2.75 inches! Yay! Update: I read the report wrong - I actually lost 4.25 inches in the past 6 weeks!!!

I have lost a total of 16 inches since January.

I am now more motivated to go to the gym 3 times a week. My slacker self is gone now that I have made more progress. I rewarded myself with an hour long deep tissue massage.

Gym update - 11/5/07

October = Bad gym month.

I only went to the gym twice last week. I was going to go a third time, but I spent 2 hours on Friday taking down and packing away the Halloween decorations. I figured 2 hours of manual labor made up for missing the third gym visit. I need to get back on track. It's just so hard when the weather sucks. It makes me want to curl up on the couch in my PJs and watch Murder She Wrote and knit. That's what I did yesterday.

Joke: Calmness in our lives

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

November Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
GW - 11/10
TG - 11/17
CM - 11/21
SB - 11/21
KG - 11/32

Happy Anniversary to:
C & BA - 11/19 - Together since 1999!

Happy Halloween!

Please enjoy this new take on "Thriller" - THE classic Halloween video. I wanted to post the original, but it can't be embedded.

P.S. This video is so cool. It must have taken FOREVER to make!

Halloween Decorations

We went a little over the top this year.

It looks so much better in the dark. The colored spot lights that illuminate the different features really make it pop.

Click to enlarge.

Concrete and asphalt

I woke up this morning to all kinds of loud noises coming from the Russian’s $3 million plus massive stucco turd across the street. Seriously, they have been building that house for 3 years – no exaggeration. DK pointed out the other day that skyscrapers are built in less time. (Update: The Empire State Building was built in 1 year and 45 days.) Will it ever be done? I think I got my answer today. There were five concrete and asphalt trucks lining the street. I know a little bit about construction and I think that means that they are going to pour the driveway! I think a driveway means that they are almost done. You wouldn’t want to drive heavy equipment over a driveway because it can crack. No more heavy equipment probably means it’s almost done! But with these shitheads*, who knows.

*I am surprised that Word spellchecker doesn’t object to the word “shitheads”!

It’s sad that my first thought was “I wonder if I can time it just right so that the workers are gone and the concrete is still wet so I can carve a giant FUCK YOU into the newly poured driveway?” My responsible side says not to do it because it will just prolong the construction-cluster-fuck that has come to be our daily lives, but the side of me that has been putting up with this bullshit from day one says to go for it – I deserve it!

The whole construction process has been a dream except for a few minor things…

• The constant, excessive noise
• The Russian waving his hand in my face to dismiss me from the discussion we were having


• The crime wave that has swept our neighborhood


• The foreman’s constant shouting in Russian at his underlings


• The workers peeing off the roof, exposing themselves to the whole neighborhood


• Walking out my front door and having the workers scream monkey and dog noises at me


• The night the porta-potty tipped over spilling blue, chemically treated shit all over the street, which the police informed me wasn’t a health issue or anything.


• The trash piles the size of a moving van in the front yard. Yes, they are spending millions on the house but couldn’t spring for a dumpster.


• The trash that blows across the street and into our front yard


• Finding cheap vodka bottles in our bushes – I swear they weren’t mine, I only drink the good stuff.


• Cars lining and/or blocking the street daily


• The destruction of my mom’s yard


• The massive piles of dirt and rock on the street


• The day they dumped a load of rocks the size of small cars (really small cars, like bubble cars) onto the street, shaking my house and leading me to believe that “the big one” was finally here and we were all going to die


• I am sure I am forgetting some things, but these are the big ones.

I should be fluent in Russian by now.

The good news is, as ugly as their house is; it’s raising our property value and for that I am grateful. I guess I should send them a fruit basket… laced with arsenic!

Monkey Business

Gym Update - 10/29/07

I only went to the gym twice last week. I didn't want to go at all.

Boring old gym update - 10/19/07

I went to the gym 3 times this week.

BEGRUDGINGLY!

Gym Update - 10/15/07

I only went to the gym twice last week because I am a slacker. I was going to go for a third time but I thought it would be way more fun to stay home in my pajamas and eat a bowl of ice cream instead. I should have known that the day was headed in that direction when I decided to have a taco for breakfast. Yummy!

I may or may not make up for that this week. Good Ash says I will, slacker Ash says no - have another bowl of ice cream!

We all have a crazy neighbor...

Check out this site: Rotten Neighbors. Some of the stories are soooo funny!

Damn cell phone

I am mad because someone keeps calling me on my cell from a 506 area code (New Brunswick, Canada). This has been going on for about a week. When I answer, no one is on the line. Next time I am going to shout as loud as I can "I thought Canadians could speak English!?!?!?" Maybe I should learn something vulgar in French, just in case.

Gym Update - 10/10/07

I only went to the gym twice last week. I went 4 times the week before to make up for that.

Gym Update - 10/1/07

I went to the gym 4 times last week! I am only going twice this week so I wanted to make up for it in advance.

October Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
CN - 10/4
KH - 10/5
LC - 10/5
JC - 10/9
AW - 10/14
CJA - 10/17!
SB - 10/21
TS - 10/31

Happy Anniversary to:
M & KH - 10/24 - Married since 2003!

Mr. & Mrs. K go in for the Kill

Yesterday DK and I went to the casino to play in the Sunday bounty poker tournament. It was a $50 buy in each. $40 of that goes to the prize pool and $10 of that pays for a bounty chip*.

*When you go all in you have to push your bounty chip in too. If you get knocked out, the person who won the hand gets the bounty chip. At the final table, the bounty chips are worth $10 each.

There were about 130 - 140 players. 12 tables of 11 plus a handful of alternates.

Early on I was able to accumulate a big chip stack and I earned some new nicknames in the process. Two different times I busted out guys that were all in with pocket aces – also known as “the nuts”. I beat them both times with straits. That earned me the nickname “the nutcracker”. LOL!

I caught a LOT of straits and combined with my big chip stack that earned me the nickname “Bank of STR” – the STR part meaning strait.

At one point, with two tables left I had about $100,000 in chips. Most of the other players at my table had between $2,000 and $15,000 in chips. If a short stacked player went all in (including their bounty chip) and I had a decent hand, I would usually call them. I had the money to do it and we only had two tables left. Any player that I can take out for a small percentage of my chip stack is one player closer to the final table for me. Plus that $10 bounty chip is always tempting. I took so many people out (10 by the time we were at the final table) that everyone started calling me “the bone collector”. A short stack would push all in and I would call and one of the old guys at the table would say “Uh oh! The bone collector is coming to get you!” That was fun. I took one guy out and his friend who was also at our table looked at me and said “Hey thanks! You just won me $5.00. I bet that he would go out first.” So the next hand the $5 winner went all in and I called and took him out too! Ha ha haaaaaaaaaa! That was fun.

I also earned the nicknames “the destroyer” and “the black widow”.

I was the last woman in the tournament and the player with the most bounty chips at the final table.

I think I was second in chips when we started the final table. Everyone at the final table was going to get paid so I was really happy just to be there. One guy was knocked out quickly. I played three hands against my husband and lost all three. In the process I also lost all of my chips. He had the best hand every time and he also played it right every time so he totally deserved to win those chips. Plus, if I am going to lose my chips to anyone at the final table, it hurts a little less when it’s my husband.

I was really happy with my play and with my winnings. I won $110 for my bounty chips and $160 for 9th place for a total of $270. Not bad!

DK made it down to the final five and at that point all of the remaining players decided to split the remaining prize pool. They each won $750 plus DK had seven bounty chips for a total of $820. As a couple we profited $990 in four hours! Not bad!

Gym update and weigh in

I went to the gym 3 times last week even though I was kind of sick and really didn't want to go.

In the last month I lost 3 inches!

My weight stayed the same.
I also lost .30% body fat.

Finally - after 3 months of gaining inches I lost some. I was starting to get really frustrated.

Late night

Last night I went to the bar to play poker like I do every Tuesday after work. I am sitting there, playing a video game and I see some people walk in. I glance over and it's my parents! I did a double take because they live about 3 hours away. What a nice surprise!

We all played poker but as usual, my parents hadn't had their fill of gambling. Hey the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree right? We decided that we should take a little family trip to the casino. We all drive up to Totem Lake and settle in at our respective tables. I played blackjack until 1:00 am. It was a blast! My parents are a bad influence on me! I didn't eat dinner - just a couple of cheese sticks so I was starving this morning. I got a bagel and juice on my way into work. Yummy.

I am now sitting at my desk with a giant bottle of water trying to rehydrate and I'm sure my folks are sleeping soundly. They like to sleep until noon.

(I am up $100.)

Gym Update - 9/14/07

I went to the gym three times this week even though I didn't want to.

Gym Update - 9/13/07 (a little late)

I went to the gym 3 times last week.

My brother is too funny!

You have to watch the credits at the end.

Strange stuff from the beach

It seems that small towns are a magnet for strange people and things. Check out these examples from our recent beach trip.

The Welcome to Aberdeen sign. Kurt Cobain was from Aberdeen and we thought the reference was nice. It was funny because we put on Nirvana when we knew we were getting close to Aberdeen and Come As You Are was playing when we passed this sign!

Hand made sign in a motel by the ferry dock. (You have to go in there to buy tickets for the ferry.) The whole place was very Psycho-ish. (Eeeee, eeeee, eeee, ee!)

Speed limit sign entering the Quinalt Casino.

A very friendly deer head in Cadillac Jack's bar. This is the joint that played "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" on repeat.

Introducing Princess Peaches!

Want to see what's going on the mind of one very awesome, funny, sweet, smart, pretty lady? Blog fever is spreading and CJ is the latest victim!

Check out Princess Peaches - the newest blog to emerge from my group of real life friends!

I've also added a link to Princess Peaches to my left nav.

Enjoy!

Funny

Please welcome Bri and The Chronicles of a Nini

Check out The Chronicles of a Nini here!

I've also added it to my left nav. (Now in alphabetical order.)

Evidentially this is a Nini. But Bri is a different kind of Nini. She doesn't look like this little thing at all.

September Announcements

Happy Wedding Day to:
CJK & AJA - 9/15!

Happy Birthay to:
MS - 9/7
Mexico - 9/16

Happy Anniversary to:
AK & DK - 9/3 - Married since 2006!
T & KG - 9/14 - Married since ????!
RK & LC - 9/20 - Married since ????!

1 year anniversary vacation recap and highlights

Sunday:

• Dugan's Pizza
• Deer just outside our hotel balcony in the beach grass
• Casino

Monday:

• Sunburn
• Horseback riding on the beach
• Nap
• Pool. No thanks on the hot tub - some kid puked in it.
• Sunset happy hour
• Mexican food
• Poker at the Porthole Pub with locals like Shorty, Spud and some guy who announces he's too stoned to deal. No Shorty, I will not pay you $200 to burn yourself with a cigarette. Thanks for asking though - you never know.
• 3 am lunar eclipse - watched it on the beach with wine
• Teenagers with a bonfire watching the eclipse too

Tuesday:

• Putt-putt golf - DK wins by a landslide
• Bumper boats - splashing DK
• Arcade
• Paid 300 tickets for a 400 ticket prize. (The new poker championship necklace.)
• Poker tournament at the casino. I took 2 or 3 people out. Got 4th place. Busted out with A, Q by a 4, 2 - both off suit.
• Playing blackjack with a Ted Bundy look-a-like next to me. Freaked me out!
• Ate at the Emily's the casino restaurant. Yummy. Purple broccoli and yellow cauliflower.

Wednesday:

• Gym (Yes, I went.)
• Beach
• Nap
• Law & Order
• Red Sox game
• At Waves for dinner. About half the people in the restaurant are kids. One old dude in the bar. At first, the bar TV has Jeopardy playing. Then I look over and it's got dancing girls in thongs on. Nice. A second later a big booming voice from the TV says: "Fuck that motherfucking bitch, shit!" The old drunk dude had turned on some cable comedy special. The waiter goes RUNNING!
• Bowling - I BOWLED A 165 - NO JOKE - I EVEN HAVE THE PRINT OUT! My best score ever!
• DK beats me in pool and air hockey

Thursday:

• Breakfast at Mr. B's
• Ferry to Westport
• Sea lion eating tuna scraps
• Harbor seals popping up
• Gym
• Law & Order
• Mexican food again. (Hey - it's vacation!)
• Cadillac Jack's for drinks. Extremely bad karaoke singers. "She thinks my tractor's sexy" on repeat. Time to jettison the pod.
• On to the Porthole Pub. Amazing karaoke singers. Darts, videogames.

Friday:

• Broken toilet - repair man.
• Gym
• Rain = movie
• Relax
• Poker = very bad
• Blackjack - even by the end of the night
• Nacho dinner at 1 am

Saturday:

• Late checkout
• Pack
• Drive home

Photos and more details to follow!

The end!

This is all I have to say for the next week and a half...

Aahhhhhhhhh!!

Gym update & August weigh in

I went to the gym 3 times this week. Richard Simmons would be so proud.

I also got weighed and measured. A different person measured me this time so I am not sure how accurate the inches are. I don't think she pulls the measuring tape as tight as the lady that normally measures me. So if we see dramatic results in the inches in September that's why.

Since the end of July...

I GAINED 2 inches! Shit! (I am willing to bet that if my normal lady had measured me I would have been the same size.)

I lost 2 pounds. Yay!

I lost 0.40% body fat.

Also, when I post my weekly updates my friend CJK is going to comment with hers. Her goal is also to go to the gym 3 times a week. So cheer her on!

Should I go to the gym while I’m on vacation? I want to take a poll. Comment to let me know what you think. I think I should at least try. Here are your choices:
a) Yes! Go 3 times on vacation so you don't fall behind!
b) Try, but if you only go once - no biggie - don't beat yourself up!
c) Don't even think about it. Vacation is vacation from the gym too!

She needs some more pushing...

Hey Bri! Where's that blog we are all waiting for?

P.S. You know when I want something I am a like a pit bull. I won't let go! So you are going to get a reminder every week until we see that blog!

Gym update - 8/20/07

I went 3 times last week. Blah blah blah.

To Bri or not to Bri - There is NO question.

Last night we were at the bar playing poker (I got second place by the way! Yay!) and something very strange happened to Bri. She said to me "Gee, I really wish I had a blog so I could write about that for everyone in the whole world to read." Ok - those weren't her exact words, but that was the long and short of it. I told her to make a blog! (Or at the very least type up the story she wants to tell so she can be a guest blogger on Professor Unc.) Wouldn't we all love it if Bri had her own blog?!?!

What I need from you loyal (or occasional) readers is to comment on this post. I want everyone to comment, even if you have been lurking on this blog anonymously and blog stocking me. (And I know I have some blog stockers out there!) Now is the time to come forward and show your support for Bri. She has millions of things to say that we all want to hear!

So do it now! Post a comment to force - I mean encourage – her to start her own blog! Also, you should suggest a title for her blog, just to give her some ideas to start with. My suggestions are: “To Bri or not to Bri” and “The Leprechaun Cartel”.

Damn! Damn! Damn!!!!!!!!!

As you may know I love the show John from Cincinnati. They canceled it! Damn HBO!

Gym update - 8/14/07

I went to the gym 3 times last week.

How I Found a German Kid - Update

UPDATE! Andreas the German kid emailed me! He is back in Seattle! I have no idea how he got my email but it was so nice to hear from him. I may have had the same email address back then, but I'm not sure.

Real life friends: I will have to have a party at our house and invite him over for all of you to meet. You have all heard so many stories about him!

Here's his email - I blanked out some parts for privacy:

Hi Ashley,

How are you? I don't know if you still know me but I lived in your house in 1999 when I was interning at **** USA Inc. in the ******* office in Kirkland and just wanted to say hi as I am in Seattle again.

I'm doing a trainee program in the U District for 4 months at a company called *******************. Are you still living in the same place as then? I've been to Bellevue Square yesterday but I couldn't remember the street you're living in... How's Tyler doing? And are you married now? Many questions...

Andreas

What a morning!

I woke up at 7:00 am this morning because I felt something on my face. (Our alarm goes off at 7:45.) I opened my eyes and saw a big black splotch in my vision. I gave my head a shake and the thing flew off onto Abe’s arm. I squinted and saw the outline of a black spider with super long legs. I let out a shriek and David woke up and grabbed it and flushed it down the toilet. What can I say, he’s my hero! He said it was a daddy long legs, but I am not so sure. It was hard for me to tell because I didn’t have my glasses on and that leaves me nearly legally blind. I can’t stop thinking about where it was before I woke up. Was it climbing around in my hair? Did it take a peek in my ear? (Raggedy Angst?!?!) Was it in my mouth? Ewwwww.

I left my laptop at work last night. On the rare occasion that I don’t bring it home with me, I lock it in a file cabinet under my desk. I got to work this morning and tried unlocking the drawer. It wouldn’t unlock! Shit, shit, shit! I can’t work without my laptop. My coworker Tuong tried it and couldn’t get it to open either. He has the same type of file cabinet under his desk so we studied the lock mechanism on his. Get this… He grabs a chopstick and pulls the drawer as far as he can with it locked, sticks the chopstick in and pushes it around until the lock mechanism opened! Can you freaking believe that? He rescued my laptop with a chopstick! Ha ha haaaaaaa! I am not going to use that file cabinet any more.

That has been my day so far. Yikes.

Awesome store!

As you may know I love strange things like plush monsters and Japanese stationary.

Today I found this awesome store. It has some great stuff like the:

• Loveable Robot with Headphones (Seen in photo above.)
• Robot Hand Towel
• Egg Pirate Stationary & Sticker Set
• Kitty'Eye
• Wee Ninja
• And TONS of other awesome plush!
  

Slightly unrelated, but I found this today: The Official Michael Vick Dog Chew Toy!

Loaner

In response to Raggedy Angst...

I used to hate loaning out Tupperware - you know when you send someone home with leftovers. But now we have the disposable type for leftovers and I could care less if someone returns it. We also have really nice Tupperware that is made of glass. I don't like microwaving plastic even if it was meant for that. I feel like it might be toxic.

I also don’t loan out books unless I am OK with not getting them back. Unless it is to a book lover like Bladio that I KNOW will be careful with it and give it back.

Money – if you loan money you have to expect to never get it back.

Gym Update - 8/7/07

I went three times last week. Blah blah blah.

August Announcements

Happy Anniversary to:
H&DK - 8/21 - Married since 1966?!

Hilarious from "I can has cheezburger?"

Gym Update - 7/30/07

I went to the gym 4 times last week.

FurReal Friends

Ok - So I saw this new toy on the internet today. Watch the promo video here.

Check out the warning on Amazon.com:
"Adults take note: Pony comes unassembled in box with head detatched. You may wish to not open the box around your children if they may be frightened by a box with a decapitated horse inside."
(Source = Last bullet point under Product Features.)

Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Of course your little one is going to be scared by a decapitated horse! Haven't you ever seen The Godfather? Decapitated horses are fucking scary!

Gym Update - 7/23/07

I only went to the gym twice last week. We were super busy with our friend's wedding. I am going to go 4 times this week to make up for it.

Also, look for a measurement update on Friday!

Super Glue

Guess what happened to me tonight! I got super glue on my tongue. Yep, super glue on my tongue. You may be wondering how this happened.

My sunglasses broke. No big deal right? I can just super glue them back together. Super glue can fix anything!

In the 80's, my dad was way ahead of his time. He used to use (and probably still does) super glue to close cuts. Guess what they do now in hospitals. They close wounds with a super glue like substance. I bet it stings a lot less than the real thing though.

Back to the sunglasses... so I open a fresh tube of super glue. You know how you have to use the little pokey thing on the top of the cap to puncture the seal? Well, I did that. Then I capped the tube while I was reassembling my sunglasses. When I got the lense back in I grabbed the tube of super glue with one hand, sunglasses in the other. I bit the cap and twisted the tube to open it. Somewhere in there I touched my tongue to the end of the cap, the pokey end that I had just used to puncture the seal, thus contaminating it with super glue. As soon as I felt the glue spread onto my tongue I rubbed my tongue against the back of my front teeth. Bad idea! Now I have super glue on my tongue and my teeth! I read the label and it has all these warnings about what to do if you get it in your eyes, on your skin, on you clothes, etc. but nothing about what to do if you get it in your mouth.

I hope it doesn’t cause memory loss, dementia, insanity or anything crazy like that...

There are 1023 toothpicks on the floor.
Satan wants to meet you...
and your mom!
It tastes like burning.
I see dead people.
You know who I am? Do you know who I am sucka? I'm your worst nightmare.

Just kidding! Did you think I went nuts from super glue poisoning? Ha ha haaaaaaaaa!

Gym Update + Measurement Day - 7/13/07

I went to the gym 3 times this week.

I also got measured. Bad news... Up 2 inches! Damn! How did that happen? Oh well, it's not that much, just a half an inch on 4 different spots. But I have been busting my ass so to GAIN inches is frustrating. I am going to work really hard for the next 2 weeks and get measured again. Those inches had better be gone and while they are at it, they can take some of their friends with them!!!

Ashley Simpson

Does this look like me?
Nuclear Toast posted a link to create your own Simpsons Avatar!
How cool is that?

My Super Sweet Sixteen

You stupid mother fuckers.

Do you have any idea how it feels like to…

• be happy that Ramen is on sale for 10 for a dollar? That means that you can eat 2 meals a day for almost a week for one dollar. You can now pay your bills.
• sleep in your ski parka? Not that you can afford to ski, you just have to sleep in it because you can’t afford heat.
• go to constructions sites to collect scrap wood to keep your place warm because you can’t afford heat.
• cry because the cheese in the fridge molded and you can’t afford the $3 to buy more? They say not to cry over spilled milk, but when you have NOTHING, milk, cheese, whatever – it’s worth crying over.
• hear your door open and worry that someone has come to get you, abduct you, attack you, only to realize that it’s just a neighborhood dog with a wet nose that pushed the door open because you forgot to lock it? It was only scary because you were 8, and home alone because your mom is out working her ass off to provide food for you.

You complain and throw a fit to your parents because you didn’t get the $100,000 car for your SIXTEENTH birthday. Try working in a hot office as a receptionist for less than five dollars an hour at age 15 to save up $1,500 for a shitty car that burns to the ground less than one month later. That’s 333.333333333 hours of long hard work for a shitty car that you only had for a month. What is the worst thing about that? You have to worry about how you are going to get to school and work with no car.

So you are worried that your THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR BIRTHDAY PARTY isn’t good enough?

Well, I have one thing to say...

FUCK YOU!

Sincerely,
Ash

Gym Update 7/10/07

I went to the gym 3 times last week.

Crazy Shit from Dear Margo

OMG - WTF?

----------------------------------------------

Better Luck Next Time, Sonny

DEAR MARGO: I have a problem. I am in high school, and I'm in love with two women. Even worse, they happen to be my girlfriend and her mother. I don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend's fresh, youthful outlook on life, but at the same time, I find her mother's intelligence very stimulating. Also, not to be crude, but the sex with the mother is amazing.

I really cannot choose between the two, and my girlfriend thankfully has no idea that I am intimate with her mother, although the mother is well aware that I am dating her daughter. We live in an affluent community where everybody knows his or her neighbor's business, so I am also constantly afraid that we will soon be exposed.

Lately, it has become obvious to me that I have to end one of the relationships, but I don't know which one! The mother has suggested running away to Mexico with me, but I really want to stay here and finish school. What should I do?

--- DOUBLE TROUBLE IN DENVER

DEAR DOUB: I think you should go back to your homework and leave the bodice-rippers to experienced writers.

--- MARGO, SUSPICIOUSLY

Source

July Announcements

Happy Wedding Day to:
CA & BS, soon to be C&BA - 7/21/07!!!!

Happy Birthday to:
JR - 7/20
HW - 7/29

Happy Anniversary to:
S&BB - 7/7 - Married since 2001
A&DK - 7/28 - Together since 2001
C&PM - 7/30 - Married since 2005

Gym Update - 7/2/07

I went to the gym 3 times last week.
It's going to be hard to make it 3 times this week because of the holiday.

That weird rolly cage

Deluxe Cat Condo

Some of you are curious about the "weird rolly cage" that Bri mentioned in the comments of my last post, Right Place, Wrong Time.

Yeah - Mac had a giant cage on wheels. My mom called it the "Cat Condo". I guess "cage" sounded kind of harsh to her. Mac wasn’t allowed outside so she would roll the cat condo up to the sliding glass door with the sliding door open and the door to the cat condo open so he could go in to the cat condo and enjoy the fresh air. Sometimes she would close the cat condo door and roll him out onto the deck to keep us company if we were having dinner outside. But if we were sitting out there he would just stare at us. (Probably trying to think of a way out of the cat condo so he could kill one of us.)

I actually bought the cat condo 11 years ago when Chloe was a kitten. My other cat Fuzzy was older (and much bigger than Chloe) and was always trying to kick her ass. I bought the cat condo so that I could put Chloe in there while I was at work and she would be safe.

At some point I didn't want it any more so I gave it to my mom. Then, last year when Fuzzy had knee surgery and had to be contained for 2-3 months I used the condo again! This time I laid it on its side (with the shelves removed) and attached it to a large piece of plywood that I added wheels to. It was nice because we could have her in the den with us and when we needed to vacuum or something like that we could just roll her into another room. Also, the cat condo on its side is about 3x4 feet, so it was much larger than most of the other cages that you find at the pet store and the whole plywood with wheels set up was only about $30. To buy a cage that size we would have paid hundreds of dollars!

Let me know if you ever want to borrow it.

Right Place, Wrong Time.

I just read a post on the gallivanting monkey that reminded me of something that I did a few years back.

My mom had this cat named Mac that had cancer. He was hanging in there but needed to be medicated with human chemo drugs and human steroids twice daily. (We cut the pills up so they were the right dose.)

My mom had been pilling him with this cocktail for a year or so trying to prolong his life while he was still not in pain. She had the pilling down. Mac was a really mean cat - even before the cancer. He would tear into you any chance he got. Mom had this pilling system to avoid trips to the emergency room. These are the steps:

1. Take a large bath towel and drop it on Mac.


2. Wrap Mac in the towel like a baby.


3. Grab the oval cat bed and lay the swaddled Mac in the bed.


4. Pull the edges of the bed around the swaddled Mac.


5. Grab a bungee cord (no, this is not a joke) and hook it around the swaddled Mac and the oval bed.


6. What you have now is a Mac taco. Yes, a cat taco. Mac can't get his paws out so he can't scratch you while you are pilling him. Also, you can lay the Mac taco on the counter or table so you have both hands free for pilling. If you have ever pilled a cat you know how important this is.

My mom was going out of town for a week or two and I was on Mac duty. That meant coming over twice a day to pill him, feed him and scoop his litter box. My duty was to start on a Wednesday. I wake up on Saturday morning and realize that I have totally spaced out and have not pilled or fed Mac for 3 days! OMG - I probably just killed my mom's cat, how am I going to tell her? I have to rush over there and see if I can get him to the emergency vet if he's still alive. Shit, shit, shit, shit! I am normally so responsible - what happened? What was I thinking?

I jump in my car in my PJs and haul ass to my mom's house. I open the garage and bust through the door into the kitchen expecting the worst.

But what do I find? My mom, coffee mug in hand, standing in the kitchen in her robe looking at me like I am a complete maniac. WTF?

I was off by a week. OMG - I was off by a week. She wasn't leaving until the next week! Yay! Mac is alive and well! I didn't kill him. The end.

Gym Update - 6/22/07

I went to the gym 4 times this week. Since I have gone four times per week for the last two weeks, that makes up for the two weeks before that when I only went twice per week.

Public Service Announcement: Fish + Microwave = BAD!

Please do not bring fish to work for lunch. Please enjoy seafood at home. If you do bring fish to work, please do not microwave it! Yuck! This whole fucking place reeks of fish. Damn you fish eater!