Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Concrete and asphalt

I woke up this morning to all kinds of loud noises coming from the Russian’s $3 million plus massive stucco turd across the street. Seriously, they have been building that house for 3 years – no exaggeration. DK pointed out the other day that skyscrapers are built in less time. (Update: The Empire State Building was built in 1 year and 45 days.) Will it ever be done? I think I got my answer today. There were five concrete and asphalt trucks lining the street. I know a little bit about construction and I think that means that they are going to pour the driveway! I think a driveway means that they are almost done. You wouldn’t want to drive heavy equipment over a driveway because it can crack. No more heavy equipment probably means it’s almost done! But with these shitheads*, who knows.

*I am surprised that Word spellchecker doesn’t object to the word “shitheads”!

It’s sad that my first thought was “I wonder if I can time it just right so that the workers are gone and the concrete is still wet so I can carve a giant FUCK YOU into the newly poured driveway?” My responsible side says not to do it because it will just prolong the construction-cluster-fuck that has come to be our daily lives, but the side of me that has been putting up with this bullshit from day one says to go for it – I deserve it!

The whole construction process has been a dream except for a few minor things…

  • The constant, excessive noise
  • The Russian waving his hand in my face to dismiss me from the discussion we were having

  • The crime wave that has swept our neighborhood

  • The foreman’s constant shouting in Russian at his underlings

  • The workers peeing off the roof, exposing themselves to the whole neighborhood

  • Walking out my front door and having the workers scream monkey and dog noises at me

  • The night the porta-potty tipped over spilling blue, chemically treated shit all over the street, which the police informed me wasn’t a health issue or anything.

  • The trash piles the size of a moving van in the front yard. Yes, they are spending millions on the house but couldn’t spring for a dumpster.

  • The trash that blows across the street and into our front yard

  • Finding cheap vodka bottles in our bushes – I swear they weren’t mine, I only drink the good stuff.

  • Cars lining and/or blocking the street daily

  • The destruction of my mom’s yard

  • The massive piles of dirt and rock on the street

  • The day they dumped a load of rocks the size of small cars (really small cars, like bubble cars) onto the street, shaking my house and leading me to believe that “the big one” was finally here and we were all going to die

  • I am sure I am forgetting some things, but these are the big ones.

I should be fluent in Russian by now.

The good news is, as ugly as their house is; it’s raising our property value and for that I am grateful. I guess I should send them a fruit basket… laced with arsenic!


CJ said...

maybe instead of writing in the damp cement you can just throw some eggs onto it. They'll never be able to get rid of that sulfer smell then!

Ash said...

I like the way you think! Or I could carve "добро пожаловать" into it. That's Russian for "Welcome!" He he heeeee!

NuclearToast said...

You should engrave the fresh cement with the Russian word for "cursed". That would be funny, and maybe they'd be too afraid to remove it, doubling your fun!