FAIL!

I submitted this to the Fail blog today. I have my fingers crossed that they will select it!

OMG - I found an orphaned sock!

Random sock mania has hit my office! Check out what I found this morning! When I saw it, I was so excited I ran to my desk to grab my phone and snap a picture. I spilled hot tea on my hand in the process. Well worth the sting!

Scratch Padding, Nuclear Toast and Chronicles of a Nini have also found mysterious socks in or near their offices.

I think this is the result of static cling. Someone puts on a freshly washed and dried garment, oblivious to the fact that a sock is clinging on for dear life, wondering if it will ever be reunited with its mate. At some point the static cling loses its strength and POW, the sock falls to the ground. Why doesn’t this happen with other small items like underwear or washcloths? Why socks? Does anyone have any other theories as to why this happens?

Still no cigarettes!

I have gone 2.5 weeks without smoking. It's getting much easier. I rarely think about them now. When I do think about them, it's not really in a fond way anymore.

At what point do I say I quit smoking? I feel weird saying that. Right now I just say "I haven't smoked in 18 days!" And whoever I say that to asks "Oh, are you quitting?" Technically, I quit smoking 2.5 weeks ago, but it feels like I am still quitting, so when do I say that I have quit? I guess when I have been off the Chantix for a month. That seems like a good mark. What do you think?

Adios!

Guess who?

Can you guess who the man in this computer generated image is?

Click here to find out.

A nation obsessed & checkout counter impulse buying

I will be the first to admit that I find celebrity gossip and news interesting. I subscribe to Us Weekly. Occasionally, I will buy other magazines if they catch my eye at the checkout counter.* But I was shocked to find this statistic on MSN Entertainment. The top four People Magazine issues by sales:

1. 9/11 (4.1 million issues)
2. The death of Princess Diana (3 million)
3. The death of John F. Kennedy Jr. (2.8 million)
4. The Joile-Pitt twins (2.6 million)

I guess Americans like death and babies. Interesting. I can't even fathom how the Joile-Pitt twins can even make it onto the top 10 list with these other events. Wow. For the record, I did not buy the People issue with them on the cover. I'm kind of boycotting them. Not because I have negative feelings about them, just because I'm totally sick of hearing about them and seeing them. I also feel this way about Paris Hilton and the Cruise's.

*Checkout counter tangent:
I am the person - the consumer - that checkout counter impulse merchandising was designed for. I cannot remember the last time that I went to the store and didn't add at least one thing to my cart at the checkout counter.

The other day I was in the 8 items or less express line and I had 8 items. By the time it was my turn, I had 11. In the few short minutes I stood in line, I added a Hershey bar with almonds and two packs of gum to my basket. (By the way, my husband ate the Hershey bar while I was sleeping!) I looked at the checker and said, "I'm not cheating! I had 8 items when I got in line. These don't count." I was defensive about it because once he told me to get out of the 15 items or less line because I had 16 items. Yes, he actually counted and kicked me out of line. I was so embarrassed and offended. Plus, on the trip where I got booted from the fast lane, I had two avocados in my cart and I think that counts as one item because the Checkout-Nazi only needs to type in the code for avocados once. I know some of you disagree. Bring on the debate!

The other thing that I frequently and impulsively buy at the checkout counter is recipe booklets. You know, lots of the major food companies like Betty Crocker and Pillsbury publish them. They are little paperback cookbooks featuring recipes using their products and they have themes like Crockpot cooking, casseroles or appetizers. I am not really sure why I buy these, but I do.

Smokin: ur doin it rong

I haven't smoked since Saturday. That's two and a half days or 58 hours and 35 minutes to be exact. (You can look at the counter above the blog post section for an up to date count.) Prior to Saturday I was only smoking about half a cigarette a day, but I blew it on Saturday. I was sitting outside all evening and that is difficult. But I only had about three cigarettes on Saturday, so that's still a huge improvement over a month ago.

The ten year reunion

Yep, it's that time of the decade. My 10 year reunion is scheduled for October.

So this is the deal. I was a total outcast in high school. I had a small group of friends (the stoners). With the exception of the stoners and the ESL kids, no one was nice to me. I didn’t even graduate with this class, I graduated a year early and from another school.

So why am I even considering going? Good question! I am asking myself the same thing and this is what I have come up with. Two reasons: curiosity and The Mustard Seed. Let’s start with the obvious, it’s being held at The Mustard Seed. It would be hard to pass that up. I love the Seed! And of course I’m curious about how all of those popular people turned out. It helps that my husband is smart, hot and charming. It would be fun to show him off.

Buzz kill! I just read the info on the reunion web site and I have to say, my bubble has been burst.

Here is the schedule:

Friday night: Snacks, beverages and a slideshow at The Mustard Seed then trek up to the high school to cheer on the football team for the homecoming game. BARF!!!!! Are you kidding me? I didn’t go to games in high school. Why would I go now? No spouses allowed. Lame. $85

Saturday night: Food at the art museum, spouses allowed. $165! WTF?!?!? Why are they charging so much money?

In the process of writing this post I went from wanting to go to being pretty sure that I am not going to go. Also, I am not even sure why I got the email announcing it since I didn’t graduate with them and therefore am not on the alumni list.

What would you do?

Chantix

Well, I have been taking Chantix for about two and a half weeks now. It really is working. I don't crave nicotine anymore. I am no longer addicted to it. Even when I do smoke, I don't absorb any nicotine. Right now I am just focusing on breaking the habit of smoking. Sometimes I think I want to smoke, but if I light one, I don't really want it. It's a really strange feeling. It's like I am craving something, but I don't know what it is.

The down side to Chantix is that there are a few side effects. Most importantly, I am incredibly nauseas. I have been reading about this online and this is what other Chantix users are saying: (My comments are in parentheses.)

1. Take it with a full meal, not just some food.
   (Ok - this is hard, because I am supposed to take it first thing in the morning and again before bed time. Who wants to eat a full meal at either of those times?)
2. Cut each pill in half and take a half every four hours with a little food.
   (This seems like a good idea, but it is working so well, I am hesitant to mess with the dosage. I guess I should call my doctor and ask her.)
3. It only lasts for the first few weeks.
   (This was a huge relief to read. I hope the nausea goes away soon for me too.)
4. Many people lose weight while quitting with Chantix.
   (Duh! Because you don't want to eat!)

Also, the dreams have been an issue for me. I have horrible dreams that seem to last all night and they feel very real. A lot of times when I wake up I don't know what was real or what was a dream. Combine this with my existing sleep apnea and this girl is hardly sleeping at all. That sucks, but you know what? I have to say that it's worth it. I never thought anything would help me quit and I really think this is. And keep this in mind, recently, I have been thinking and saying that I can't live with the fatigue from sleep apnea; something has to change because I just can't handle feeling this way anymore. So now I am sleeping worse, but it is worth it. I can't explain it, it just is.

Yesterday, I didn't smoke at all until I got off work at 5:00 pm. I am shooting for 6:00 pm today. I hope to never smoke again starting on September first, but until then, if I am out with friends and want one, I will have one and not beat myself up about it. This is the way the doctors recommend quitting with Chantix.

Also, alcohol overrides the effects of Chantix.

I will post about this again when I go a whole day without smoking.

Weirdipedia

Strange disorders from Wikipedia:

Pica (Eating weird stuff)
Rapunzel syndrome (Eating hair)
Bezoar (The real name for a hairball - I had no idea that humans could get hairballs! I guess you can if you have Rapunzel syndrome. I wonder if humans make the same noise as cats do when they have a hairball. If we ever get another cat I want to name it Bezoar.)

What a morning!

How has your morning been? Mine has been, well... interesting.

I called Cigna, my health insurance provider today to see what is taking them so long to approve a CPAP machine for my sleep apnea. I dialed the 800 number and hear heavy breathing and groaning. It sounded something like this... (My comments are in parentheses.)

(Low pitched) Ahhh, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, (getting higher pitched) aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, (very high pitched) aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, ahhh, aaaaaaa, aaaaaa, (all out screaming) OH BABY! YES! YES! YES! OH BABY! HARDER!

EEK! At this moment I realize that Cigna probably hasn't changed their automated menu options to "press one for a fake orgasm". Holy crap! I dialed a phone sex hotline! It turns out the Cigna member services phone number is one digit away from a phone sex 800 number!

So I have a few questions for all of you out there.

1. Who calls phone sex hotlines anyways? I didn't even know they still existed! Isn't that what the Internet is for?
2. Do 900 numbers still exist?
3. How do 800 phone sex lines bill you? I am guessing you have to enter a credit card.

I CAREFULLY redialed the Cigna phone number and when an agent answered I said "You know what? I just have to tell you this. If you misdial your 800 number by one digit..." She bursts out laughing, I didn't even have to finish my sentence and she said "I KNOW! I had an elderly gentleman call recently and tell me that he had misdialed and heard heavy breathing."

Update: It seems that all of you perverts out there want the phone number, so here it is. (I also added the Cigna number so that you can see how close they are.)

1-800-244-6224 (Cigna member services)
1-800-224-6224 (Phone sex hotline)

Enjoy!

The Pampered Pet

I thought this slide show, "Pet Pampering Gone Wild" was really funny. All 18 slides are worth looking at, but I especially like slides 2, 7, 13, and 15.

Seriously, who buys a sex toy for their dog?!?!?! Eewwwwwwwwww.

I'm back

Vacation was fun, but it's good to be home. This is the one and only photo I took on my trip:

Vacation

I'll be back in 10 days...

Stinkers

Generally I don't blog about work, but I just can't let this one slide.

There are a few people in my building who totally fucking stink. I just walked by a guy in the hallway and no joke, I almost threw up. He smelled like an old nasty (probably brown in color) towel that got wet and sat in a pile on the floor for a couple of weeks. Not really a body odor smell, but a horrible musty smell. How does this guy not smell himself? Seriously. I passed him a few feet away and I was over powered by it. What does his house smell like? I don't even want to know.

Sometimes I get in an empty elevator and I can smell the nastiness of the person who was in there before me.* How bad do you have to smell to have your stink linger in an elevator long after you leave?

*Yes, I realize this could be cosmic payback for my elevator prank.

Luckily none of these stinkers are on my team. I cannot imagine sitting in a conference room with them. I honestly don't think I could do it.

Again?!?!?

Sleep study #2 tomorrow night. Aggg.

Chloe - Things are looking up

Some of you know that our cat Chloe had some type of "episode" early last week. I will give a summary for those of you who don't know.

A week ago Tuesday, DK and I were getting ready for work and Chloe was acting like her usual self, shadowing me around the house. She likes to go into the bathroom with me, sit on my dressing table or in my lap while I put on makeup, and just generally follow me all over the place. We were about to leave and DK heard a thud from the den. He looked in and saw Chloe stumbling around like a little, furry, four-legged drunk. He called me over to look. When I looked in, she was sitting upright under the coffee table. Then all of a sudden she tipped over onto her side. It was really scary. I picked her up and called the vet. Because of her age and heart condition (she has a leaky heart valve), they said I should bring her in just to be on the safe side.

We got to the vet and they wanted to keep her all day. They wanted to do a full blood work-up and take x-rays. The vet said that without any test results, her first thought was that maybe because of Chloe’s leaky heart valve, she had missed a few beats and the lack of oxygen to her brain made her faint. She had no signs of a concussion. We thought maybe the thud was her falling (no, she does not land on her feet) and maybe she bumped her head.

Most of the test results came back late last week as normal. The vet suggested that we take her to a kitty cardiologist. That appointment was today, more on that later.

Early this week another blood test result came back indicating that she has very mild hyperthyroidism. The short version is that the thyroid gland overproduces a hormone. That hormone can damage a lot in the body, including the heart. This is bad news for a cat that already has a heart condition. The good news is that her case is very mild and we caught it very early. She can be treated either with oral medication, topical gel or radioactive iodine. These are the treatment options:

• Pill twice daily


• Medicated treat twice daily


• Medicated ear gel twice daily


• Once yearly radioactive iodine treatment

Obviously, we want to pick the treatment that is easiest on Chloe and us.

I think the pilling would be traumatic for her and a pain in the ass for us. I think she will learn the pilling schedule and hide when she knows it’s time. The pills can also cause vomiting.

The medicated treat option sounds a little better. We wouldn’t have to shove something down her throat twice a day and she does love treats, but we would have to isolate her from our other cat so that the other cat doesn’t eat her medicine. As with pilling this option makes our lives a little harder and requires a set schedule as well as someone to come by twice daily when we travel.

The medicated ear gel presents the same schedule and travel problems and it can irritate the skin.

I think the radioactive iodine treatment is our best bet. We would only have to do it once a year. The difficult part is that she has to be at a special facility where they administer the injection for around four days, some cats take a week or more, and some shorter. When she came home we would need to isolate her from Fuzzy for a few days and collect her waste in special medical waste containers. It is also advised that she not be around children or pregnant women for two weeks after the injection. This all sounds very extreme, but I think overall, it may be better for her. She would have four days of trauma per year versus being traumatized twice a day with pilling. The vet said the facility is really nice; the people there are great and they spend a lot of time snuggling, holding and playing with each cat. She said it’s really very comfortable for them. This also would be easier for us. Although it would be heartbreaking to both of us send her off for a few days, the rest of the year would be normal. This treatment does not cause her any pain according to the vet.

I dropped Chloe off this morning at the cardiologist’s office. They did an EKG (electrocardiogram) and a ECG (echocardiogram or cardiac ultrasound). DK and I went to pick her up around noon and met with the cardiologist. Her heart is slightly enlarged, but it’s a very mild enlargement. That could be a result of the hyperthyroidism or it could be that she had mild heart disease before the onset of the mild hyperthyroidism. The plan going forward is to start treating her hyperthyroidism and bring her back for another cardiac ultrasound three months after her thyroid hormone levels stabilize. If at that time her heart is still enlarged, they will assume that the enlargement is not due to her hyperthyroidism. If her heart is back down to a normal size, they will know that the hyperthyroidism caused her heart to enlarge.

Curiously enough, the cardiologist said that after reviewing the results, she does not believe that the episode last week was related to her heart. That is good news, but it also makes me worry a little about what might have caused it. We may never know. We are supposed to feel her heart rate a couple times of week (just by holding a hand to her chest) and keep a general count of that. If she ever faints again, we are supposed to feel her heart rate again right then and report back to the cardiologist. If we notice that during a fainting spell her heart rate changes that could give us some clues to why it happened. Hopefully it will never happen again.

A note on her leaky heart valve: Over the years, the level of that has gone up (from undetectable to a 2-3), but according to the cardiologist, just because they hear a level 2 or 3, that doesn't mean she has a level 2 or 3 all of the time. The level can read higher (worse) based on her activity and stress levels. Of course every time she is at the vet, she is super stressed, so her heart rate is elevated, therefore making the leaky valve more noticeable and raising the rating level. It could be that at home, relaxed and calm, she is only a level one, we don't know.

So I guess the bottom line is that she is not a ticking time bomb. That was my big concern, that we could lose her any day. It will be nice to not worry every time I go home that I may find she passed away during the day. We can live with and treat the hyperthyroidism. It’s great news that she does not need heart medication.

Laffing mai freekin ass off!!

more cat pictures

Poker champion and defender of eardrums everywhere!

I won the poker tournament last night. How did I do it? Um, I'm not going to tell you because I play poker with some of you. I am going to try my strategy again soon.

What was the sweetest part of my win last night? The person I won against. Overall, I think he is a nice person, BUT he is loud*, obnoxious and totally full of himself. (This combo of character traits actually leads me to believe that he is very insecure.) I hope he has good medical insurance because I am sure he must have a repetitive stress injury from patting himself on the back so often and vigorously.

*I am a loud person too, but in a different way. So if I say someone is loud, that means they are insanely loud.

Sleep Study Results

I got my sleep study results back last Friday and they were exactly what I expected.

I do not have narcolepsy, but I do have a mild case of Apnea.

My airway does not close completely, but it does close to the point where I am hardly breathing. The doctor compared it to breathing through one of those little stir-straws. That goes on for a minute or two and I wake up, which opens my airway again. I fall back asleep and the process starts again. I wake up on average 18 times per hour. Yes, that is mild. Most of those times I don’t know that I am awake. So this explains the daytime sleepiness.

I have to go back in for another overnight sleep study on Friday 7/18. This one will be shorter because I won’t have to do the afternoon narcolepsy test again. I check in at 7:30 pm and check out the next morning. This study is to test the positive airway pressure machine (CPAP). Basically, I have to wear a mask to sleep. It will push air (not oxygen) into my airway to keep it from collapsing during sleep. Am I looking forward to another sleep study? No. Am I looking forward to not waking up 144 times a night? Yes!

I am also supposed to lose a little weight (15 pounds or so), which I already knew I should do, but this is just extra incentive I guess.

The sleep doctor said I will probably lose some weight initially just because my sleep improves.

He believes this happens for a few reasons:

• I will have more energy, and therefore be a little more active during the day.
• Sleeping better will change my insulin level.
• Sleeping better will change the level or two hormones in my body that control hunger.

He said at this point, Apnea is not taking years off my life, but if I let it get worse by gaining weight for example, it will start to damage my heart and shorten my life.

Big day for Shadrac

Happy one-hundred-and-forty-thousandth-mile Shadrac*!

*Shadrac is my Pathfinder.

Composting

DK and I started composting at home recently. Really, we aren’t composting ourselves, we are putting it into our yard waste bin and the yard waste people compost it for us. We have one of these little stainless steel buckets by our kitchen sink and we put food scraps and paper towels in there instead of down the disposal or in the garbage. We fill the bucket up so often that we haven’t had a problem with smell, which is a good thing because like Burton Guster from Psych*, I am a super smeller.

*Great show by the way.

My office implemented a composting program. All of our tableware, cups, and silverware are compostable along with food scraps. The cups and tableware are made of paper and the silverware is made of either sugarcane or corn starch, I have heard conflicting stories, but the consensus is that they are made of one of the two. And no, they don’t have any flavor, I checked. Now we have three types of bins in the kitchens, cafeterias and conference rooms; garbage, mixed recyclables, and compost.

The sleep study

I found this image online, these aren't my results.

It’s over. That is a good way to start. I hate the hospital.

I checked into the hospital on Friday night. The room was bland, poorly decorated and had a water stain on the ceiling. Pretty much like a $5,500* a night Motel 6 room. There was also a microphone on the headboard and an infrared video camera. Did I mention that I hate hospitals?

*I looked online and it appears that the nighttime sleep study (polysomnography - PSG) costs around $3,500 and the daytime Narcolepsy test (multiple sleep latency test - MSLT) costs about $2,000. Good thing I have insurance.

When I checked in, they asked me a bunch of questions about how I sleep. In my initial appointment, I had to fill out a questionnaire.** Then a technician came in and glued/taped tons of electrodes to me. I think there were about 23 or so of them. They were glued into my hair and taped to my face, chest, legs, and left hand. Fun stuff. I got to order my breakfast for the morning. I ordered a cheddar cheese omelet, an English muffin, OJ and bubbly water.

**With a little research, I found out that the questionnaire determines where I fall on the “Epworth Sleepiness Scale”. I scored a 14 or “seek the advice of a sleep specialist without delay”. You can take the test here.

DK and I watched TV and read books. DK was allowed to stay with me until 10:00 pm. That’s when they turned the lights out.

The technician plugged me into a machine on the night stand and then left the room. A few seconds later she came on the intercom. She asked me to lie on my back, as still as I could and follow her instructions so she could get sample readings. For example:

• Stare strait up at the ceiling.
• Close your eyes.
• Breathe through your nose.
• Breathe through your mouth.
• Open your eyes and without moving your head look up towards your forehead, down to your toes, to your forehead, to your toes, to your forehead, to your toes. To your right ear, to your left ear, right ear, left ear, right ear, left ear.
• Wiggle your toes on your left foot.
• Point your toes on your left foot towards your forehead.
• Wiggle your toes on your right foot.
• Point your toes on your right foot towards your forehead.
• Take a deep breath and hold it for 10 seconds.
• Smile as wide as you can.
• Grind your teeth.
• Clear your throat.
• Blink 5 times.

After that she said I could get into any comfortable position and go to sleep. With all that shit glued to me, comfortable was really not possible.

I woke up a lot in the night as always. I had to get up to go to the bathroom once. So I had to press the call button and the tech came in and unplugged the main connection to the machines so I could get out of bed. Most of the time when I woke up, all I could think was “there is a morgue here, this place must be totally fucking haunted”.

At 7:00 am, the tech came on the intercom to wake me up. She came into the room and took the wires off my legs, hand, some off my chest, and the oxygen sensor that was on my face/nose. That was a relief. I still had about 12 wires on my head and face and 2 on my chest, but man it was great to get some of them removed.

My breakfast arrived and it was actually very good. The omelet was fresh, hot and cooked perfectly. I expected some dry, funny colored, egg-like catastrophe, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I was allowed to take a smoke break. I put my hood over my glue crusted, wire covered head and walked to the elevator. The tech said “Oh hey – just a warning, don’t say anything about bombs or explosives.” She was really funny and very nice.

Even with my hood, you could see lots of the wires and the electrodes taped to my face. It’s really funny how people treat you when you look different. I have to say, I had never really experienced this before. Adults look at you, their eyes widen a little and then they immediately look away. They wait for you to get on the elevator first and then stare directly at their shoes. It’s almost like they will do anything to avoid looking at you or talking to you. Kids on the other hand are much more honest and have no problem expressing (non-verbally in my experience) that you look strange. Parents are mortified by this. On both elevator rides there were adults with a kid. The kid will just keep staring at you, eyebrows crinkled. One little boy was checking out my wires and with his eyes still locked on me said “Hey mom…” she cut him off with a squeeze to the shoulder and he knew not to say any more. This made me realize that next time I see someone who is different, like missing a leg for example, I will still hold the elevator door, but after that I am not going to act any differently. It’s a very isolating feeling and I only had to live with it for a few minutes.

Back in my room, I watched more TV and finished the book I was reading (Stolen Innocence: My Story of Growing Up in a Polygamous Sect, Becoming a Teenage Bride, and Breaking Free of Warren Jeffs by Elissa Wall and Lisa Pulitzer. Elissa Wall is the woman whose testimony put Jeffs away for 10 to life. It’s an amazing story and I recommend reading it.)

At 8:30, a new tech came in and plugged me into the machines again. He asked me to take a nap. He turned the lights out, left the room and came over the intercom to do the same calibration tests as the night before. After 30 minutes, he came back on the intercom to run the calibration tests again, and then he came in and unplugged me. I had 3 more nap tests with another tech, each with same calibration tests. Overall, this is what I think happened:

• Nap 1 - 8:30 am: 99% sure I didn’t sleep.
• Nap 2 - 10:30 am: I definitely slept.
• Nap 3 - 12:30 pm: I am pretty sure I fell asleep.
  (I think I had a dream about Bladio and Sally!)
• Nap 4 – 2:30 pm: I am 99% sure I slept.

I had lunch at 1:00 pm. I ordered a veggie and dip plate, veggie chili, and a grilled cheese, cheddar on sourdough and bubbly water. My lunch was delivered to the tech room during my 12:30 – 1:00 nap, so it wasn’t really hot, but I have to say, it was still fairly good. I figured I should order as much food as I wanted because my insurance was paying for it. The great thing about the menu at the hospital is that they have EVERYTHING. I think that may be because sometimes when you are sick, only one thing sounds good to you and if you can’t get that, you don’t want to eat at all. I also got to take another smoke break after lunch.

They said I might have to take another nap at 4:30, so I was relieved when the tech came in after waking me up at 3:00 pm and said that they had enough data and I was free to go. Yay!

It’s really odd how I am not sure if I slept or not. They asked me after each nap if I had slept and if so, did I dream? They know the answers to these questions, but I guess part of the test is seeing if I know. I didn’t look up online how they test for Narcolepsy. I felt like if I knew what they were looking for before the test, I might subconsciously skew the results to my desired outcome.

I just looked up how they test for Narcolepsy. I found this on Wikipedia: “The Multiple Sleep Latency Test (MSLT) is a sleep disorder diagnostic tool. It is used to measure the time it takes from the start of a daytime nap period to the first signs of sleep, called sleep latency. The test is based on the idea that the sleepier people are, the faster they will fall asleep.”

This is the grading scale (in minutes):

• 0-5: Severe
• 5-10: Troublesome
• 10-15: Manageable
• 15-20: Excellent

I think that I fall into one of the last two categories, although it’s really hard to tell because I don’t have a very good concept of time and of course, there was no clock in the room. I also don’t know what “the first signs of sleep” are, so I could be totally off on where I fall on that scale.

I get my results this Friday at my follow up appointment with the sleep specialist. I will let you know what they say.

Sleep study

I go in for my sleep study tonight. *See figure 1.

I have to stay most of Saturday for the narcolepsy test. They should let me out tomorrow evening. I really don't think I have narcolepsy. **See figure 2.

I'll write a summary on Monday.

*Figure 1:

**Figure 2:

Hoootdooog!

If I had a dog, I would make it wear this:


see more dog pictures

The Pedophile Prophet

These are photos of Warren Jeffs with his

TWELVE YEAR OLD BRIDE.

Read the article.

The Sleep Doctor

I went for my consultation with the sleep specialist on Friday evening. It went pretty well. He was very nice and disarming, even telling a few jokes. That made me more at ease because I really don’t like any type of medical tests or hospitals. He said that I have classic symptoms of sleep apnea, which I assumed he would say. But then he said that I also have classic symptoms of mild narcolepsy*.

* “A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or to fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places.” Source: Wikipedia.

That really surprised me. When I think of narcolepsy, I think of someone falling asleep in a split second at dinner and taking a header into their mashed potatoes! That has never happened to me. Apparently doctors are now finding other, less severe cases of narcolepsy. I have never fallen asleep while driving or eating or anything like that, so I never even considered that I might have it. Once I fell asleep mid-sentence while talking to Bri, but that was really late at night and I had had some wine.

So he recommended that I complete a night and day sleep study at the hospital in Seattle. The room is in the hospital, but setup and decorated to look like a nice hotel room. I will have a TV and DVD player and free WiFi. The room does have a camera, but the technicians only watch it if I call for them. If I have to go to the bathroom in the night, which I will, I am just supposed to say that I want to get up and a technician will come in and unhook me from some machine that the wires feed into.

I scheduled my appointment for 6/20 – 6/21. I go in that Friday evening at 7:30 pm. They will prep me by gluing wires to my head and sticking some to my torso and hands so they can monitor all kinds of who-knows-what. DK is allowed to stay with me until lights-out at 10:00 pm. The lights stay off until 6:00 am on Saturday morning. At that time they will wake me up and feed me breakfast. That concludes the nighttime (apnea) portion of the sleep study.

They will ask me to take a nap at 8:00 am, 10:00 am, noon and 2 pm. Each time that I fall asleep I will be woken up by an alarm. This is the narcolepsy part of the sleep study. Sounds like fun huh? He said that a lot of people struggle with this part and get really frustrated and angry with the alarm constantly waking them up. Somewhere in that timeframe they feed me lunch. They will let me out at around 5:00 pm. Then I have to go home and wash the glue out of my hair.

I am bringing Abe (my yeti) with me for support.

Rant: Gas-way-too-fucking-expensive-oline

I filled up my Pathfinder today. It wasn’t quite empty; it only needed 16.512 gallons to fill the 18 gallon tank. I always put the cheap, regular gas in. Do you know how much gas was per gallon today by my house? $4.279. Yeah. It cost $70.65 to fill my tank and it wasn’t even totally empty.

When I started driving, gas was $0.99 per gallon. You could fill up an 18 gallon tank for the price of dinner for two at subway. For the same price as the gas I bought this morning, I could have gone to the Met and ordered a calamari appetizer, an iceberg wedge salad with Rogue River blue cheese, a petite prime filet mignon dinner with a baked potato and a beer. Not that I would eat a steak or squid, I just wanted to make that startling comparison.

The good news is I got a much needed tune up last month for my poor, neglected Pathfinder and it now gets almost 50 miles more to the tank than before! That is an extra 2.75 miles per gallon.

The South with a capital S

We are home safe and sound from North Carolina. It was a good trip. We got to spend lots of time with family. The kids totally wore me out, but in a good way that I miss already. We stayed in a nice hotel that had a wine bar! Our room had an L-shaped couch, a big plasma TV and a comfy bed with nice sheets, so I was very happy.

A northwestern girl’s impressions of the South:

• People are very nice, friendly and polite


• Homes are beautiful


• People drive fast


• It’s hot (but I did really well, I didn’t even get a heat rash)


• The vegetables are overcooked

A couple of funny stories:

Amerikan
One evening DK was out having a guy’s night with his brother. I decided to stay at the hotel and enjoy a few (maybe a few too many) glasses of wine and watch a three hour Law and Order marathon. I went outside for a smoke break (I know, I know, I am quitting soon!) and noticed a taxi from the “Amerikan” cab company. I grabbed my cell to take a picture and of course the cab driver walks out of the hotel and spots me. He informed me that he decided to spell American that way because he is an Obama supporter and he is ready for change. Although that was refreshing, I am not sure that was the true reason for the spelling. (Very blurry photo above.)

Abe Lincoln’s Cabin
While at the Raleigh/Durham airport, again I was outside smoking (I know, I know, I am quitting soon!) and a little old man drove up in his truck and parked next to the smoking area. I was reading my magazine but kind of keeping an eye on him. He was looking really closely at the ground and moving in a grid-like pattern. He noticed me looking at him and started talking to me. It was hard to make out everything he was saying because he spoke softly with a heavy accent and the background noise was loud, but I did catch that he had been coming to the airport smoking section every Wednesday for a long time looking for used wooden matches.

He informed me that he is building a small scale replica of Abe Lincoln’s cabin out of wooden matchsticks and the airport smoking area is his prime hunting ground. He said that it’s always windy on that side of the airport, so he has to look in the seams in the concrete because the match sticks usually roll in there. He found one. One. I asked if he had considered buying a box of matches. That way they would still have their little flammable tops on them and when he was all done he could light the little cabin on fire and watch the match tops flame up. My suggestion fell on deaf ears, literally.

Treadmill Cats

My brother Ty sent this to me. I need to train our chubby cat Chloe to do this!

The Zzzz Doctor

Some of you know that I have been having a lot of problems sleeping. It’s really easy for me to fall asleep, but I cannot stay asleep. I usually fall asleep around 10:00 pm and my alarm goes off at 7:30 am. That is 9.5 hours of “sleep” and still I am not rested. I fall asleep a lot at my friends’ houses and at home when I don’t want to fall asleep.

It’s an absolute miracle if I can sleep through the night and it’s a good night if I only wake up once. Most nights, I toss and turn, wake up a lot and have trouble getting back to sleep. DK said he thinks he has heard me gasp for air when I wake up. Not good.

For about a year now I have been really tired and I rarely ever wake up feeling rested. I didn’t do anything about this sooner because I didn’t really know how bad it was until DK told me that one night he was awake a lot and couldn’t believe how I was sleeping. Some of the time I know I am partly awake, but not really conscious. So I can only assume that the sleep I am getting is not good quality sleep.

I went to my doctor yesterday to see what we could do about it. I am not interested in taking sleeping pills, I think doing so would only cover up the symptoms and wouldn’t actually solve the problem. According to her, I have the classic symptoms of a sleep disorder or sleep apnea. Fun stuff.

I have an appointment scheduled for the end of May (first available) to go for an initial consultation with a sleep specialist that my doctor recommended. At that appointment they will listen to me talk about my symptoms and talk to me about staying for an overnight sleep study. I know a little about these sleep studies because my friend M.S. had to do one. They hook you up to a bunch of shit and measure things all night. It kind of freaks me out to sleep in a strange place, by myself with wires hooked all over me and people watching and listening to me. I know they won’t let me bring my husband with me, so I am going to see if I can bring my yeti Abe.

What not to do when stealing a purse

File under: "fucking dumbass!"

Police: Suspect poses for photo with women shortly before robbing them.

Read it here.

Insane celebrities

What is wrong with these people?

Mariah Carey& Nick Cannon wed (& get tattoos)…
People says they've needled on tattoos, with Mariah opting to emblazon her back with "Mrs. Cannon”…
Source.

Jamie Lynn Spears on her baby shower and why certain people where invited…
"There were mainly people her [Mom Lynn’s] age so that way they could get me all the important stuff I need," admits a surprisingly practical Jamie Lynn. "The people my age ... got me the cute stuff."
Source.

Google Sabotage Team?

Jeffstown

More on the FLDS in Eldorado, Texas...

The FLDS public relations blitz has begun! Frankly, I am surprised it didn’t happen sooner.

One thing to remember about the FLDS is that they have a ton of money and lawyers. The land alone in their trust (the United Effort Plan) is estimated to be worth over $100 million.

In addition to granting reporters interviews and access to the YFZ compound in Eldorado, Texas, the FLDS has established a website aiming to garner public sympathy for their situation as well as gather monetary donations for their legal battle.

While browsing through their site, I noticed a video titled "Happy children at the ranch". In this video, you see numerous photos of the same little FLDS girl who strongly resembles Warren Jeffs. (Example below.)

Little FLDS girl (Mini-Jeffs?) / Warren Jeffs (Baby-daddy?)

As reported by the media, Warren Jeffs, FLDS prophet (currently serving two consecutive sentences of 5 years to life in a Utah prison and awaiting charges in Arizona) built the YFZ compound to house the chosen people from the larger FLDS community in Hildale, UT and Colorado City, AZ. Would his family* be included in this chosen group? My guess is YES! Where better to leave your family when you are on the run from the Feds courtesy of the FBI's most wanted list or in prison?

*It is estimated that Warren Jeffs has between 40 and 70 “wives” (approximately 12 of these women were married to his father, Rulon Jeffs – say it with me folks… YUUUUUCK!) and around 56 children. Source = about.com.

So my question is: Does the state of Texas have any of Warren Jeffs’ 56 children in custody? I think it’s quite likely and if so I am shocked that the media hasn’t grabbed onto that story like a rabid pitbull on a rump roast. Maybe no one is sure yet because of all of the DNA testing they still need to run to confirm family relationships.

This one's for Brent

see more crazy cat pics

Großer Wagen* the brightest stars of Ursa Major

I have this odd configuration of freckles on my arm. A few years ago, I realized that if I added two freckles, I would have the big dipper on my arm. Last week I had those two freckles tattooed on…

Viola! I now have a freckled big dipper on my arm! My fake freckles are healing nicely and once they are fully healed, I think they will be a perfect match. Right now they are a little too dark, but that's just the scabbing.

* Germans call the big dipper "Großer Wagen", which translates to "Great Cart" in english.

New template...

same great blog!

I had to switch it up a little. I was tired of my old polkadot template that I had on this blog since it was created. Do you like it?

The cell phone assassin

Today at work I saw this guy walking out the door as I was walking in. He had his hands full and his cell phone in his mouth. Yes, in his mouth.*

Being the smart ass that I am, I said "Mmmmm, that cell phone looks delicious!!"

He laughed, thus opening his mouth, and his cell phone hit the pavement. It was in 3 pieces. Oops. I feel bad. Who knew you could break a cell phone with humor?

*See Nuclear Toast's blog post about dirty cell phones.

The FLDS - Your tax dollars at work

This makes me really, really mad. Not only have members of the FLDS taken massive amounts of our tax dollars in the form of welfare, but they also use government contracts to fill their bank accounts!

---

Excerpt from CNN.com...

A company founded and run by members of the [FLDS] church received more than $1.1 million in government contracts between 2003-2007, a federal online database shows. Most of that money was spent by the Department of Defense on aircraft wheel and brake parts.

NewEra Manufacturing's president and CEO is John Wayman, a sect member who runs the Las Vegas, Nevada, business. NewEra was previously known as Western Precision Inc. and based in Hildale, Utah, where thousands of church members live.

In a 2005 affidavit filed with a Utah lawsuit, former church member and Western Precision worker John Nielsen said workers were underpaid or not paid at all for work they did because they were told their time and earnings were being donated to the church.

Source.

---

Previous posts on polygamy.

Craig's List Crazies

We are selling a few things on Craig's List. One item that we have listed for sale is our giant, old TV. Used, on Amazon it is listed for $499. We are offering it at $200. This is an email I just got from an interested buyer:

---

Will you take less, I’m unemployed at this time? Or perhaps I can do some work, handyman stuff?

---

Ummm… NO! Are you effing kidding me? What don’t you understand about “$200 cash”? Plus, why do you need a new TV if you are unemployed?!?! No joke, this guy’s email is “smartestpersonuknow@****.***”.

Spontaneous Coworker Combustion

The guy in the office across the hall from me smokes a pipe. I smelled something burning so I went over there to see if he could smell it to. His office was empty, but the smell was really strong in there. I was thinking that maybe I should call the front desk or pull the fire alarm (this building has a history of small electrical fires). A few seconds later, he comes strolling back down the hall with a big hole burned in the upper leg of his pants.

He had put his freshly smoked pipe in his pants pocket with a box of matches. He said about 10 minutes later a small fire ball erupted from his pocket, burning a hole in his pants and scorching his skin lightly. He had a cup of hot coffee on his desk so he doused his blazing pants with the hot coffee. Ouch.

I know its mean, but I had to laugh. I mean, he wasn't seriously hurt, so it was kind of funny.

Confession: Farts and Elevators

When I am in an elevator by myself, I try to squeeze out a fart. I think it’s funny that the next person who gets in has to smell it. I know it seems kind of mean, but I just can’t help myself. I figure if that’s the meanest thing I do, I am still a pretty nice person.

It makes me giggle out-loud when I think about it. I am giggling now.

P.S. This all started when I worked at a small company with Another Drunken Word. Back then I targeted my elevator farts at him, but now I do it to the general public.

Signed,
Serial Elevator Farter

Dear Abby April Fools (a little late I know!)

This was in Dear Abby on April Fools Day.

---

DEAR ABBY: To say I am upset is an understatement. I have a terrible problem. My wife of 22 years, "Verna," was recently sentenced to 15 years in prison. Verna, you see, always programmed our VCR. As a result, I have no idea how to record my favorite sporting events.

I begged my daughter to show me how to operate the darned thing, but she's still mad at me because when she asked me if her blue blazer made her look fat, I replied: "No, I don't think your blazer makes you look fat. It's those double cheeseburgers you've been scarfing down two at a time that make you look so fat."

I'm thinking maybe if I run a personal ad in my local paper I could meet a nice lady and get my mind off all the sports I'm missing on TV. Here's how I plan to word it: "SWM seeking single female with lots of money and a fast car. Race, age and looks unimportant. Please send picture of car."

I know you get hundreds of letters every day with the same exact problems that I have, but please tell me what to do.

-- APRIL FOOL FROM FORT SMITH, ARK.

DEAR APRIL FOOL: People often ask me if I get made-up letters, and in honor of April Fools' Day, I am printing yours. By the way, forget about the personal ad. You have enough family problems already without revving up anyone else's engine.

The shit hits the fan in Texas

As you may know, I have very strong feelings about polygamy in general and specifically about polygamy and the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints). I am sure some of you are surprised that I didn’t post earlier about last week’s raids in Eldorado, Texas.

In general, I support a person's right to choose how they want to live their lives, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I also feel very strongly that the government should butt-out of our personal lives and just let people be.

The reason I am so opposed to the way that sects like the FLDS practice polygamy is because of the widespread involvement of children.

The most recent news is that 416 children have been removed from an FLDS compound in Eldorado, Texas and put into state custody because it was deemed that they faced an imminent threat of physical and/or sexual abuse. 140 women left with them by choice.

The FLDS children are not educated to a level where they have the option of leaving the compound. If they do, they have nowhere to go, no skills for “the outside world”, and are far behind in their education. Add to this the total culture shock of different styles of dress, manners and behavior and the thought of leaving a compound is daunting to say the least.

The young girls are married off to much older husbands at puberty and systematically raped. Whether they say no or not, they are being raped because they are not old enough to legally consent to sex. Many of the husbands are old enough to be their grandfathers and in extreme cases, their great-grandfathers. But do they have any other choice? I don’t think so.

Think of how hard it would be to leave not only your family, but literally everyone and everything you have ever known. To know that you will never be able to come home or have contact with them as long as they are still a part of the FLDS. How hard would it be to leave the only way of life you have ever known and enter the “outsider’s world” where no one looks like you and everything is different and unfamiliar. People who you love and trust have told you horrible things about the outside world and with no knowledge of your own; it would be so easy to believe them. I consider myself to be a strong and independent person and I am not sure that I would be able to leave under such circumstances.

Adolescent boys are either groomed to take on many wives or are excommunicated from the compounds so that they don’t compete for wives with the old men in positions of authority. If a husband acts out against the leadership, he is excommunicated, evicted from his home and his wives and children are reassigned to another man.

This has all been happening right under our noses for decades (since the Short Creek raid in 1953) and until last week the government has done nothing about it. I hope that this triggers raids in the twin towns of Colorado City, Arizona and Hildale, Utah.

This is the first and probably the only time I will ever say "Way to go Texas!"

Recommended reading:

Under the Banner of Heaven, A Story of Violent Faith
Jon Krakauer

Shattered Dreams: My Life as a Polygamist's Wife
Irene Spencer

Escape (I haven't read this one yet, but I ordered it)
Carolyn Jessop and Laura Palmer

Texas Polygamy blog
A blog with posts and comments written by polygamists, non-polygamists and ex-polygamists. I found this blog to be fascinating. If you do visit the blog, please be respectful and do not leave rude or degrading comments.

The Hope Organization
The HOPE Organization is a non-profit group dedicated to assisting survivors of abuse within polygamous relationships on their courageous journey to personal freedom.

My previous posts can be found here.

Free Rice - fun & games

I tried to get NuclearToast to post this for his Friday game blog post, but his response was "NO HIPPIE GAMES" so I am going to post it here, because I allow hippie games!

Who knew that "sycophant" means "groveling flatterer"?!?!?

(I actually got that one right by process of elimination.)

What is FreeRice.com?

It's a super fun vocabulary game with a heart! I read about it in my Vegetarian Times magazine. Yes, we have our own magazine. :)

The game displays a word and 4 possible meanings. When you choose the correct meaning, they donate 20 grains of rice through the UN World Food Program. That may not seem like a lot of rice, but since October of 2007, they have donated 25,085,087,070 grains of rice!

FreeRice has two goals:

• Provide English vocabulary to everyone for free.
• Help end world hunger by providing rice to hungry people for free.

It's free and fun! Try it today!

Brackets

I am soooo excited! I just got an email from my husband about the standings in our bracket pool. I am in first place in our group. The points are really close, so anyone could still win!

My bracket is ranked 366th in the world for ESPN's bracket site. I know that doesn't sound great - to be in 366th place, but we think there are about 20 million brackets on that site!

And I didn't even use my old tried and true method of picking by mascots!

Gooooooooo Heels!

This one's for Bri

see more crazy cat pics

Hungry Ashley

If you know me in real life, you know that I love Burgermaster. I am a vegetarian, but they make an awesome veggie burger, fries, onion rings, milkshakes, and I swear that even their water tastes better. I have been going to the Bellevue Burgermaster since I was old enough to eat solid food, since the servers wore roller skates. I assume they ditched the roller skates because of liability and workplace injuries. Sad.

You have to understand how well these people know me based on my order. They used to have an employee named Stellar who answered the phone. I would call in and say “This is Ashley, can I get my to-go order?” and every time my order was correct. They never got it wrong. One time I ran into Stellar in the grocery store. At first she didn’t recognize me because I was out of context for her. So I said “one veggie burger, add onion and pickle” and Stellar was like “ASHLEY!!!” (She would actually say it as “one veggie buger add unon and peeco”.) Damn I miss her.

On Saturday I called Burgermaster for a to-go order. Yes, I have them in my speed dial. They have an employee named Ashley and they have caller ID. Sometime when I call they say “What’s up Ashley?” thinking that I am their Ashley. A few weeks ago to avoid confusion I told them that they could call her “Burgermaster Ashley” and me “Hungry Ashley”. It seemed logical because every time I see them I am hungry! So I call in on Saturday and the girl answers “Hey Hungry Ashley!” I guess Burgermaster Ashley was working that day so they knew it was me who was calling. That is community. I show up a few minutes later to pick up my order and before I can even ask if it’s ready, one girl yells to the kitchen “Hey – is Hungry Ashley’s order ready?”

Love them.

Easter

see more crazy cat pics

March Madness

I was reading an article this morning on how to fill out your NCAA tournament bracket and I though this part was interesting:

"If you don't like the New York Yankees, avoid the Kentucky Wildcats.

In one of the weird cosmic links in the sports world, the success of the Kentucky Wildcats seems to be oddly intertwined with the success of the Bronx Bombers. Kentucky's won seven national titles — second to only UCLA, which has won 11. In six of those seven years — 1949, 1951, 1958, 1978, 1996, and 1998 — the New York Yankees ended up winning the World Series six months later. "

Source

Bad pet owners

I am going to post this all over my neighborhood:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear schnauzer owner:
Every morning a schnauzer with a blue collar comes into our yard unleashed and unattended for a bathroom break. Although we love animals, we do not love the minefield that our yard has become. Can you please keep your dog leashed and attended during bathroom breaks so that we can enjoy our yard and not have to clean up poop? Your cooperation is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Designer humor

see more crazy cat pics

My first week

I like my new job! The product is cool, more exciting than I thought it would be so that’s a bonus. My team is great. Once again Americans are the minority, but I like it that way. It’s nice to learn things about people from other parts of the world. I have two managers, one is Canadian and the other is Australian. They are both really mellow and seem like good people in general. The whole team uses the f-bomb liberally, so that’s good – It makes me worry less about sticking my foot in my mouth.

My team assigns everyone a Muppet character. I am the Swedish Chef, not sure why yet - I'm just glad they didn't make me Miss Piggy.

Right now I have my own office which is so nice. That will change as more new hires come in, but for now I am loving it. My building is right behind Azteca, so nacho Fridays will live on!

Parking is a bitch, but it is all over this campus. I get in early enough (before 9 am) that I don’t have any trouble finding a spot in the morning. But I try not to drive anywhere at lunch because it would be almost impossible to find another space.

We are moving in June to Eastgate. That’s no big deal for me, it will probably add 5 minutes to my commute. That will give us more space and most importantly more parking. The new buildings are supposed to be really nice, so that should be fun.

I am alive, I promise!

I know, I know, I have seriously neglected this blog. That is going to change now that my life has settled down and I have a job. Coming soon... a recap of my first week at my new job.

If this blog feels bad, the gym must be crushed - I haven't been in a MONTH!

Yay!

I GOT A JOB!

Vacation

VEGAS BABY!

She's f---ing Matt Damon!

I haz talented kitteh!

This morning my cat Chloe did a somersault. Gymnastic Kitty! No joke. I don’t know how or why she did it, but she did.

Every morning Chloe follows me into the bathroom and does this little routine where she flops down on the bath mat and rolls all around and then she gets up and does it again and she will do it over and over as long as someone is watching her. Today when she went to flop down she put her head down first. I think the sheer weight of her butt made it flop over backwards and boom! There it was. A somersault.

Holy Crap

File under:

• Can't sing
• Can't dance
• Has fake boobs

Dear Heidi,

If you are reading this, please consider this tidbit of advice... Stick to being a d-list "reality" "star". I honestly think if you video taped me singing karaoke to "Baby Got Back" it would be better than this. At least it would be funny.

Cute

I love this!


moar funny pictures

Gym Update - 1/21/08

I only went to the gym once last week. I had a bad fever and felt like total shit.

Da,dum...da, dum... da, da, da, da, daaaaaaa!

I almost had a heart attack when I saw this on I can has cheez burger.


moar funny pictures

P.S. Yes, I realize it is probably PhotoShop'd.

Gym Update - 1/11/08

I went to the gym 3 times this week! Yay for me!

Daft Hands

I was reading the Demonbaby Awards 2007 and came across this video. Can you even imagine how hard this would be to do? (Note: the first 50 seconds are boring, but after that it is AMAZING!)

Gym Update - 1/7/08

I didn't go to the gym last week. So that's 2 weeks in a row. Oops. I WILL go 3 times this week. No more excuses!

January Announcements

Happy Birthday to:

Delo - 1/2
Ray - 1/20
Aaron - 1/24
Mom - 1/27

Condensed gym update - 1/2/08

I went to the gym 3 times the week of 12/17/07 - 12/21/07.

I did not go to the gym at all last week.

I don't think I will go at all this week.
Long story, I'll probably blog about it later this week.