Sleep study

I go in for my sleep study tonight. *See figure 1.

I have to stay most of Saturday for the narcolepsy test. They should let me out tomorrow evening. I really don't think I have narcolepsy. **See figure 2.

I'll write a summary on Monday.

*Figure 1:

**Figure 2:

Hoootdooog!

If I had a dog, I would make it wear this:


see more dog pictures

The Pedophile Prophet

These are photos of Warren Jeffs with his

TWELVE YEAR OLD BRIDE.

Read the article.

The Sleep Doctor

I went for my consultation with the sleep specialist on Friday evening. It went pretty well. He was very nice and disarming, even telling a few jokes. That made me more at ease because I really don’t like any type of medical tests or hospitals. He said that I have classic symptoms of sleep apnea, which I assumed he would say. But then he said that I also have classic symptoms of mild narcolepsy*.

* “A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or to fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places.” Source: Wikipedia.

That really surprised me. When I think of narcolepsy, I think of someone falling asleep in a split second at dinner and taking a header into their mashed potatoes! That has never happened to me. Apparently doctors are now finding other, less severe cases of narcolepsy. I have never fallen asleep while driving or eating or anything like that, so I never even considered that I might have it. Once I fell asleep mid-sentence while talking to Bri, but that was really late at night and I had had some wine.

So he recommended that I complete a night and day sleep study at the hospital in Seattle. The room is in the hospital, but setup and decorated to look like a nice hotel room. I will have a TV and DVD player and free WiFi. The room does have a camera, but the technicians only watch it if I call for them. If I have to go to the bathroom in the night, which I will, I am just supposed to say that I want to get up and a technician will come in and unhook me from some machine that the wires feed into.

I scheduled my appointment for 6/20 – 6/21. I go in that Friday evening at 7:30 pm. They will prep me by gluing wires to my head and sticking some to my torso and hands so they can monitor all kinds of who-knows-what. DK is allowed to stay with me until lights-out at 10:00 pm. The lights stay off until 6:00 am on Saturday morning. At that time they will wake me up and feed me breakfast. That concludes the nighttime (apnea) portion of the sleep study.

They will ask me to take a nap at 8:00 am, 10:00 am, noon and 2 pm. Each time that I fall asleep I will be woken up by an alarm. This is the narcolepsy part of the sleep study. Sounds like fun huh? He said that a lot of people struggle with this part and get really frustrated and angry with the alarm constantly waking them up. Somewhere in that timeframe they feed me lunch. They will let me out at around 5:00 pm. Then I have to go home and wash the glue out of my hair.

I am bringing Abe (my yeti) with me for support.

Rant: Gas-way-too-fucking-expensive-oline

I filled up my Pathfinder today. It wasn’t quite empty; it only needed 16.512 gallons to fill the 18 gallon tank. I always put the cheap, regular gas in. Do you know how much gas was per gallon today by my house? $4.279. Yeah. It cost $70.65 to fill my tank and it wasn’t even totally empty.

When I started driving, gas was $0.99 per gallon. You could fill up an 18 gallon tank for the price of dinner for two at subway. For the same price as the gas I bought this morning, I could have gone to the Met and ordered a calamari appetizer, an iceberg wedge salad with Rogue River blue cheese, a petite prime filet mignon dinner with a baked potato and a beer. Not that I would eat a steak or squid, I just wanted to make that startling comparison.

The good news is I got a much needed tune up last month for my poor, neglected Pathfinder and it now gets almost 50 miles more to the tank than before! That is an extra 2.75 miles per gallon.

The South with a capital S

We are home safe and sound from North Carolina. It was a good trip. We got to spend lots of time with family. The kids totally wore me out, but in a good way that I miss already. We stayed in a nice hotel that had a wine bar! Our room had an L-shaped couch, a big plasma TV and a comfy bed with nice sheets, so I was very happy.

A northwestern girl’s impressions of the South:

• People are very nice, friendly and polite


• Homes are beautiful


• People drive fast


• It’s hot (but I did really well, I didn’t even get a heat rash)


• The vegetables are overcooked

A couple of funny stories:

Amerikan
One evening DK was out having a guy’s night with his brother. I decided to stay at the hotel and enjoy a few (maybe a few too many) glasses of wine and watch a three hour Law and Order marathon. I went outside for a smoke break (I know, I know, I am quitting soon!) and noticed a taxi from the “Amerikan” cab company. I grabbed my cell to take a picture and of course the cab driver walks out of the hotel and spots me. He informed me that he decided to spell American that way because he is an Obama supporter and he is ready for change. Although that was refreshing, I am not sure that was the true reason for the spelling. (Very blurry photo above.)

Abe Lincoln’s Cabin
While at the Raleigh/Durham airport, again I was outside smoking (I know, I know, I am quitting soon!) and a little old man drove up in his truck and parked next to the smoking area. I was reading my magazine but kind of keeping an eye on him. He was looking really closely at the ground and moving in a grid-like pattern. He noticed me looking at him and started talking to me. It was hard to make out everything he was saying because he spoke softly with a heavy accent and the background noise was loud, but I did catch that he had been coming to the airport smoking section every Wednesday for a long time looking for used wooden matches.

He informed me that he is building a small scale replica of Abe Lincoln’s cabin out of wooden matchsticks and the airport smoking area is his prime hunting ground. He said that it’s always windy on that side of the airport, so he has to look in the seams in the concrete because the match sticks usually roll in there. He found one. One. I asked if he had considered buying a box of matches. That way they would still have their little flammable tops on them and when he was all done he could light the little cabin on fire and watch the match tops flame up. My suggestion fell on deaf ears, literally.

Treadmill Cats

My brother Ty sent this to me. I need to train our chubby cat Chloe to do this!

The Zzzz Doctor

Some of you know that I have been having a lot of problems sleeping. It’s really easy for me to fall asleep, but I cannot stay asleep. I usually fall asleep around 10:00 pm and my alarm goes off at 7:30 am. That is 9.5 hours of “sleep” and still I am not rested. I fall asleep a lot at my friends’ houses and at home when I don’t want to fall asleep.

It’s an absolute miracle if I can sleep through the night and it’s a good night if I only wake up once. Most nights, I toss and turn, wake up a lot and have trouble getting back to sleep. DK said he thinks he has heard me gasp for air when I wake up. Not good.

For about a year now I have been really tired and I rarely ever wake up feeling rested. I didn’t do anything about this sooner because I didn’t really know how bad it was until DK told me that one night he was awake a lot and couldn’t believe how I was sleeping. Some of the time I know I am partly awake, but not really conscious. So I can only assume that the sleep I am getting is not good quality sleep.

I went to my doctor yesterday to see what we could do about it. I am not interested in taking sleeping pills, I think doing so would only cover up the symptoms and wouldn’t actually solve the problem. According to her, I have the classic symptoms of a sleep disorder or sleep apnea. Fun stuff.

I have an appointment scheduled for the end of May (first available) to go for an initial consultation with a sleep specialist that my doctor recommended. At that appointment they will listen to me talk about my symptoms and talk to me about staying for an overnight sleep study. I know a little about these sleep studies because my friend M.S. had to do one. They hook you up to a bunch of shit and measure things all night. It kind of freaks me out to sleep in a strange place, by myself with wires hooked all over me and people watching and listening to me. I know they won’t let me bring my husband with me, so I am going to see if I can bring my yeti Abe.

What not to do when stealing a purse

File under: "fucking dumbass!"

Police: Suspect poses for photo with women shortly before robbing them.

Read it here.

Insane celebrities

What is wrong with these people?

Mariah Carey& Nick Cannon wed (& get tattoos)…
People says they've needled on tattoos, with Mariah opting to emblazon her back with "Mrs. Cannon”…
Source.

Jamie Lynn Spears on her baby shower and why certain people where invited…
"There were mainly people her [Mom Lynn’s] age so that way they could get me all the important stuff I need," admits a surprisingly practical Jamie Lynn. "The people my age ... got me the cute stuff."
Source.

Google Sabotage Team?

Jeffstown

More on the FLDS in Eldorado, Texas...

The FLDS public relations blitz has begun! Frankly, I am surprised it didn’t happen sooner.

One thing to remember about the FLDS is that they have a ton of money and lawyers. The land alone in their trust (the United Effort Plan) is estimated to be worth over $100 million.

In addition to granting reporters interviews and access to the YFZ compound in Eldorado, Texas, the FLDS has established a website aiming to garner public sympathy for their situation as well as gather monetary donations for their legal battle.

While browsing through their site, I noticed a video titled "Happy children at the ranch". In this video, you see numerous photos of the same little FLDS girl who strongly resembles Warren Jeffs. (Example below.)

Little FLDS girl (Mini-Jeffs?) / Warren Jeffs (Baby-daddy?)

As reported by the media, Warren Jeffs, FLDS prophet (currently serving two consecutive sentences of 5 years to life in a Utah prison and awaiting charges in Arizona) built the YFZ compound to house the chosen people from the larger FLDS community in Hildale, UT and Colorado City, AZ. Would his family* be included in this chosen group? My guess is YES! Where better to leave your family when you are on the run from the Feds courtesy of the FBI's most wanted list or in prison?

*It is estimated that Warren Jeffs has between 40 and 70 “wives” (approximately 12 of these women were married to his father, Rulon Jeffs – say it with me folks… YUUUUUCK!) and around 56 children. Source = about.com.

So my question is: Does the state of Texas have any of Warren Jeffs’ 56 children in custody? I think it’s quite likely and if so I am shocked that the media hasn’t grabbed onto that story like a rabid pitbull on a rump roast. Maybe no one is sure yet because of all of the DNA testing they still need to run to confirm family relationships.

This one's for Brent

see more crazy cat pics

Großer Wagen* the brightest stars of Ursa Major

I have this odd configuration of freckles on my arm. A few years ago, I realized that if I added two freckles, I would have the big dipper on my arm. Last week I had those two freckles tattooed on…

Viola! I now have a freckled big dipper on my arm! My fake freckles are healing nicely and once they are fully healed, I think they will be a perfect match. Right now they are a little too dark, but that's just the scabbing.

* Germans call the big dipper "Großer Wagen", which translates to "Great Cart" in english.

New template...

same great blog!

I had to switch it up a little. I was tired of my old polkadot template that I had on this blog since it was created. Do you like it?

The cell phone assassin

Today at work I saw this guy walking out the door as I was walking in. He had his hands full and his cell phone in his mouth. Yes, in his mouth.*

Being the smart ass that I am, I said "Mmmmm, that cell phone looks delicious!!"

He laughed, thus opening his mouth, and his cell phone hit the pavement. It was in 3 pieces. Oops. I feel bad. Who knew you could break a cell phone with humor?

*See Nuclear Toast's blog post about dirty cell phones.

The FLDS - Your tax dollars at work

This makes me really, really mad. Not only have members of the FLDS taken massive amounts of our tax dollars in the form of welfare, but they also use government contracts to fill their bank accounts!

---

Excerpt from CNN.com...

A company founded and run by members of the [FLDS] church received more than $1.1 million in government contracts between 2003-2007, a federal online database shows. Most of that money was spent by the Department of Defense on aircraft wheel and brake parts.

NewEra Manufacturing's president and CEO is John Wayman, a sect member who runs the Las Vegas, Nevada, business. NewEra was previously known as Western Precision Inc. and based in Hildale, Utah, where thousands of church members live.

In a 2005 affidavit filed with a Utah lawsuit, former church member and Western Precision worker John Nielsen said workers were underpaid or not paid at all for work they did because they were told their time and earnings were being donated to the church.

Source.

---

Previous posts on polygamy.

Craig's List Crazies

We are selling a few things on Craig's List. One item that we have listed for sale is our giant, old TV. Used, on Amazon it is listed for $499. We are offering it at $200. This is an email I just got from an interested buyer:

---

Will you take less, I’m unemployed at this time? Or perhaps I can do some work, handyman stuff?

---

Ummm… NO! Are you effing kidding me? What don’t you understand about “$200 cash”? Plus, why do you need a new TV if you are unemployed?!?! No joke, this guy’s email is “smartestpersonuknow@****.***”.

Spontaneous Coworker Combustion

The guy in the office across the hall from me smokes a pipe. I smelled something burning so I went over there to see if he could smell it to. His office was empty, but the smell was really strong in there. I was thinking that maybe I should call the front desk or pull the fire alarm (this building has a history of small electrical fires). A few seconds later, he comes strolling back down the hall with a big hole burned in the upper leg of his pants.

He had put his freshly smoked pipe in his pants pocket with a box of matches. He said about 10 minutes later a small fire ball erupted from his pocket, burning a hole in his pants and scorching his skin lightly. He had a cup of hot coffee on his desk so he doused his blazing pants with the hot coffee. Ouch.

I know its mean, but I had to laugh. I mean, he wasn't seriously hurt, so it was kind of funny.

Confession: Farts and Elevators

When I am in an elevator by myself, I try to squeeze out a fart. I think it’s funny that the next person who gets in has to smell it. I know it seems kind of mean, but I just can’t help myself. I figure if that’s the meanest thing I do, I am still a pretty nice person.

It makes me giggle out-loud when I think about it. I am giggling now.

P.S. This all started when I worked at a small company with Another Drunken Word. Back then I targeted my elevator farts at him, but now I do it to the general public.

Signed,
Serial Elevator Farter

Dear Abby April Fools (a little late I know!)

This was in Dear Abby on April Fools Day.

---

DEAR ABBY: To say I am upset is an understatement. I have a terrible problem. My wife of 22 years, "Verna," was recently sentenced to 15 years in prison. Verna, you see, always programmed our VCR. As a result, I have no idea how to record my favorite sporting events.

I begged my daughter to show me how to operate the darned thing, but she's still mad at me because when she asked me if her blue blazer made her look fat, I replied: "No, I don't think your blazer makes you look fat. It's those double cheeseburgers you've been scarfing down two at a time that make you look so fat."

I'm thinking maybe if I run a personal ad in my local paper I could meet a nice lady and get my mind off all the sports I'm missing on TV. Here's how I plan to word it: "SWM seeking single female with lots of money and a fast car. Race, age and looks unimportant. Please send picture of car."

I know you get hundreds of letters every day with the same exact problems that I have, but please tell me what to do.

-- APRIL FOOL FROM FORT SMITH, ARK.

DEAR APRIL FOOL: People often ask me if I get made-up letters, and in honor of April Fools' Day, I am printing yours. By the way, forget about the personal ad. You have enough family problems already without revving up anyone else's engine.

The shit hits the fan in Texas

As you may know, I have very strong feelings about polygamy in general and specifically about polygamy and the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints). I am sure some of you are surprised that I didn’t post earlier about last week’s raids in Eldorado, Texas.

In general, I support a person's right to choose how they want to live their lives, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I also feel very strongly that the government should butt-out of our personal lives and just let people be.

The reason I am so opposed to the way that sects like the FLDS practice polygamy is because of the widespread involvement of children.

The most recent news is that 416 children have been removed from an FLDS compound in Eldorado, Texas and put into state custody because it was deemed that they faced an imminent threat of physical and/or sexual abuse. 140 women left with them by choice.

The FLDS children are not educated to a level where they have the option of leaving the compound. If they do, they have nowhere to go, no skills for “the outside world”, and are far behind in their education. Add to this the total culture shock of different styles of dress, manners and behavior and the thought of leaving a compound is daunting to say the least.

The young girls are married off to much older husbands at puberty and systematically raped. Whether they say no or not, they are being raped because they are not old enough to legally consent to sex. Many of the husbands are old enough to be their grandfathers and in extreme cases, their great-grandfathers. But do they have any other choice? I don’t think so.

Think of how hard it would be to leave not only your family, but literally everyone and everything you have ever known. To know that you will never be able to come home or have contact with them as long as they are still a part of the FLDS. How hard would it be to leave the only way of life you have ever known and enter the “outsider’s world” where no one looks like you and everything is different and unfamiliar. People who you love and trust have told you horrible things about the outside world and with no knowledge of your own; it would be so easy to believe them. I consider myself to be a strong and independent person and I am not sure that I would be able to leave under such circumstances.

Adolescent boys are either groomed to take on many wives or are excommunicated from the compounds so that they don’t compete for wives with the old men in positions of authority. If a husband acts out against the leadership, he is excommunicated, evicted from his home and his wives and children are reassigned to another man.

This has all been happening right under our noses for decades (since the Short Creek raid in 1953) and until last week the government has done nothing about it. I hope that this triggers raids in the twin towns of Colorado City, Arizona and Hildale, Utah.

This is the first and probably the only time I will ever say "Way to go Texas!"

Recommended reading:

Under the Banner of Heaven, A Story of Violent Faith
Jon Krakauer

Shattered Dreams: My Life as a Polygamist's Wife
Irene Spencer

Escape (I haven't read this one yet, but I ordered it)
Carolyn Jessop and Laura Palmer

Texas Polygamy blog
A blog with posts and comments written by polygamists, non-polygamists and ex-polygamists. I found this blog to be fascinating. If you do visit the blog, please be respectful and do not leave rude or degrading comments.

The Hope Organization
The HOPE Organization is a non-profit group dedicated to assisting survivors of abuse within polygamous relationships on their courageous journey to personal freedom.

My previous posts can be found here.

Free Rice - fun & games

I tried to get NuclearToast to post this for his Friday game blog post, but his response was "NO HIPPIE GAMES" so I am going to post it here, because I allow hippie games!

Who knew that "sycophant" means "groveling flatterer"?!?!?

(I actually got that one right by process of elimination.)

What is FreeRice.com?

It's a super fun vocabulary game with a heart! I read about it in my Vegetarian Times magazine. Yes, we have our own magazine. :)

The game displays a word and 4 possible meanings. When you choose the correct meaning, they donate 20 grains of rice through the UN World Food Program. That may not seem like a lot of rice, but since October of 2007, they have donated 25,085,087,070 grains of rice!

FreeRice has two goals:

• Provide English vocabulary to everyone for free.
• Help end world hunger by providing rice to hungry people for free.

It's free and fun! Try it today!

Brackets

I am soooo excited! I just got an email from my husband about the standings in our bracket pool. I am in first place in our group. The points are really close, so anyone could still win!

My bracket is ranked 366th in the world for ESPN's bracket site. I know that doesn't sound great - to be in 366th place, but we think there are about 20 million brackets on that site!

And I didn't even use my old tried and true method of picking by mascots!

Gooooooooo Heels!

This one's for Bri

see more crazy cat pics

Hungry Ashley

If you know me in real life, you know that I love Burgermaster. I am a vegetarian, but they make an awesome veggie burger, fries, onion rings, milkshakes, and I swear that even their water tastes better. I have been going to the Bellevue Burgermaster since I was old enough to eat solid food, since the servers wore roller skates. I assume they ditched the roller skates because of liability and workplace injuries. Sad.

You have to understand how well these people know me based on my order. They used to have an employee named Stellar who answered the phone. I would call in and say “This is Ashley, can I get my to-go order?” and every time my order was correct. They never got it wrong. One time I ran into Stellar in the grocery store. At first she didn’t recognize me because I was out of context for her. So I said “one veggie burger, add onion and pickle” and Stellar was like “ASHLEY!!!” (She would actually say it as “one veggie buger add unon and peeco”.) Damn I miss her.

On Saturday I called Burgermaster for a to-go order. Yes, I have them in my speed dial. They have an employee named Ashley and they have caller ID. Sometime when I call they say “What’s up Ashley?” thinking that I am their Ashley. A few weeks ago to avoid confusion I told them that they could call her “Burgermaster Ashley” and me “Hungry Ashley”. It seemed logical because every time I see them I am hungry! So I call in on Saturday and the girl answers “Hey Hungry Ashley!” I guess Burgermaster Ashley was working that day so they knew it was me who was calling. That is community. I show up a few minutes later to pick up my order and before I can even ask if it’s ready, one girl yells to the kitchen “Hey – is Hungry Ashley’s order ready?”

Love them.

Easter

see more crazy cat pics

March Madness

I was reading an article this morning on how to fill out your NCAA tournament bracket and I though this part was interesting:

"If you don't like the New York Yankees, avoid the Kentucky Wildcats.

In one of the weird cosmic links in the sports world, the success of the Kentucky Wildcats seems to be oddly intertwined with the success of the Bronx Bombers. Kentucky's won seven national titles — second to only UCLA, which has won 11. In six of those seven years — 1949, 1951, 1958, 1978, 1996, and 1998 — the New York Yankees ended up winning the World Series six months later. "

Source

Bad pet owners

I am going to post this all over my neighborhood:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear schnauzer owner:
Every morning a schnauzer with a blue collar comes into our yard unleashed and unattended for a bathroom break. Although we love animals, we do not love the minefield that our yard has become. Can you please keep your dog leashed and attended during bathroom breaks so that we can enjoy our yard and not have to clean up poop? Your cooperation is greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Designer humor

see more crazy cat pics

My first week

I like my new job! The product is cool, more exciting than I thought it would be so that’s a bonus. My team is great. Once again Americans are the minority, but I like it that way. It’s nice to learn things about people from other parts of the world. I have two managers, one is Canadian and the other is Australian. They are both really mellow and seem like good people in general. The whole team uses the f-bomb liberally, so that’s good – It makes me worry less about sticking my foot in my mouth.

My team assigns everyone a Muppet character. I am the Swedish Chef, not sure why yet - I'm just glad they didn't make me Miss Piggy.

Right now I have my own office which is so nice. That will change as more new hires come in, but for now I am loving it. My building is right behind Azteca, so nacho Fridays will live on!

Parking is a bitch, but it is all over this campus. I get in early enough (before 9 am) that I don’t have any trouble finding a spot in the morning. But I try not to drive anywhere at lunch because it would be almost impossible to find another space.

We are moving in June to Eastgate. That’s no big deal for me, it will probably add 5 minutes to my commute. That will give us more space and most importantly more parking. The new buildings are supposed to be really nice, so that should be fun.

I am alive, I promise!

I know, I know, I have seriously neglected this blog. That is going to change now that my life has settled down and I have a job. Coming soon... a recap of my first week at my new job.

If this blog feels bad, the gym must be crushed - I haven't been in a MONTH!

Yay!

I GOT A JOB!

Vacation

VEGAS BABY!

She's f---ing Matt Damon!

I haz talented kitteh!

This morning my cat Chloe did a somersault. Gymnastic Kitty! No joke. I don’t know how or why she did it, but she did.

Every morning Chloe follows me into the bathroom and does this little routine where she flops down on the bath mat and rolls all around and then she gets up and does it again and she will do it over and over as long as someone is watching her. Today when she went to flop down she put her head down first. I think the sheer weight of her butt made it flop over backwards and boom! There it was. A somersault.

Holy Crap

File under:

• Can't sing
• Can't dance
• Has fake boobs

Dear Heidi,

If you are reading this, please consider this tidbit of advice... Stick to being a d-list "reality" "star". I honestly think if you video taped me singing karaoke to "Baby Got Back" it would be better than this. At least it would be funny.

Cute

I love this!


moar funny pictures

Gym Update - 1/21/08

I only went to the gym once last week. I had a bad fever and felt like total shit.

Da,dum...da, dum... da, da, da, da, daaaaaaa!

I almost had a heart attack when I saw this on I can has cheez burger.


moar funny pictures

P.S. Yes, I realize it is probably PhotoShop'd.

Gym Update - 1/11/08

I went to the gym 3 times this week! Yay for me!

Daft Hands

I was reading the Demonbaby Awards 2007 and came across this video. Can you even imagine how hard this would be to do? (Note: the first 50 seconds are boring, but after that it is AMAZING!)

Gym Update - 1/7/08

I didn't go to the gym last week. So that's 2 weeks in a row. Oops. I WILL go 3 times this week. No more excuses!

January Announcements

Happy Birthday to:

Delo - 1/2
Ray - 1/20
Aaron - 1/24
Mom - 1/27

Condensed gym update - 1/2/08

I went to the gym 3 times the week of 12/17/07 - 12/21/07.

I did not go to the gym at all last week.

I don't think I will go at all this week.
Long story, I'll probably blog about it later this week.

Dear Santa,

Here is what I would like for Christmas. I have been really good all year.

• Coupon organizer


• Compass Jones chapter 36


• 8 person hot tub


• Small boat (that floats and has a motor that works.)


• Cheese


• Mac & cheese


• Cheese sauce


• Nachos


• Quesadilla (remember... no carrots or broccoli!!!)


• Winning lotto ticket


• Monkey (a friendly one that doesn't bite or throw poo.)


• 2 Alpacas


• Chinchilla


• 1976 - 78 Trans Am


• World peace


• A president who speaks English


• PJ's with feet

Camel Toad

Bri from The Chronicles of A Nini emailed this to me. I told her to blog it, but she is on vacation so she asked me to blog it for her.

One word: HILARIOUS!

(Click to enlarge)

Gym Update - 12/17/07

Ok - I am a total slacker. I only went to the gym ONCE last week. Oops!

Yuckadilla

Today I ordered takeout from Azteca. When I get Mexican takeout and eat at my desk, I usually get a quesadilla (no meat) with a side of rice and beans.

I really like nachos better, but they are messy and I can’t work and eat them at the same time because I would get beans and cheese grease all over my keyboard and mouse. Nasty!

I called in my order just like I always do. Here is a rough transcript of my call.

Azteca lady: Ello, tank you for calling Azteca Redman.
Me: Hi, can I make a to-go order please?
Azteca lady: Yez, one minat…
Azteca lady: K, what can I get you?
Me: Can I please have a cheese quesadilla, no meat with a half side order of both rice and beans?
Azteca lady: No meat? Yez?
Me: Right, no meat.
Azteca lady: k – it ready in tin minat.
Me: Ok – thanks.
Azteca lady: Bye.
Me: Bye.
End of call.

I hop in my car, drive to Azteca, pick up my bag of food and drive back to my office. Yum! I can hardly wait! I get to my desk and start opening the take out containers. The rice looks good – the beans look great – they gave me a big bag of chips with extra salsa – guacamole and sour cream: check.

W-T-F is this? My quesadilla is in a whole wheat tortilla and stuffed with broccoli and carrots! WTF?!!?!? Ahhhhhgggggggghhhhhhhggggg! I like all of these ingredients, JUST NOT TOGETHER - IN MEXICAN FOOD! When I order a cheese quesadilla, I expect cheese and tortilla and maybe a touch of pico de gallo*! Not fucking garden vegetables! Does “no meat” really mean “load that fucker up with vegetables and other healthy shit”? Do they think that because I don’t eat meat that I need some extra broccoli and carrots in my diet? Do they assume that because I don’t eat meat I would want a whole wheat tortilla? I was so disappointed.

* Totally unrelated to the story, but did you know that pico de gallo means “rooster's beak” in Spanish. Huh? What’s up with that?!?!

I call them back and explain that I think I got the wrong thing. They were very nice and said to come back and they would quickly fix a NORMAL quesadilla. I was happy with that. I put the untouched yuckadilla in the kitchen with a post-it note on it saying that if someone wanted it they could take it and someone took it! I was kind of surprised but to each his own.

Gym Update - 12/10/07

I went to the gym 3 times last week.

Burt Builds a Bandit

I want one of these sooooooo bad! It's really my childhood dream.


Burt Builds a Bandit - 1

Snow, wind, rain - STOP!

Yikes! This weather sucks!

On Saturday DK and I were wine tasting all day in Woodinville. It started to snow in the afternoon and that was fun & exciting. Everything looks so pretty covered in snow. I was so excited! I couldn’t imagine a better day than drinking good wine with my wonderful husband and watching the snow fall all around us. The novelty soon wore off when it was time to drive home after dinner. By that time there must have been 4 inches of snow on the roads. To say the least it was an eventful trip.

I put the Pathfinder in 4-Low for the 15 mile drive home. As we were getting on the 522 in Woodinville I lost control on the ramp and ended up facing the wrong direction. Yikes. I got back on track and kept on going. We approached the ramp for the 405 south; you may know the one, it must be 2 stories or more above the freeway. We were inching along, shocked by all the cars on the guardrail or the few that had spun out and were facing in the wrong direction. All of a sudden the Pathfinder starts sliding sideways towards the guardrail. Luckily we hit a section that didn’t already have a car on it and we were only going a few miles per hour. I have never been up-close and personal with a guardrail before but I was pleased to learn that they have a little concrete curb on them so if you hit them with the side of your car, completely parallel like I did, that little curb hits your tires first and keeps the body of your car from hitting the actual concrete and metal rail. (*See diagram below.) Awesome! Disaster averted! We drove the rest of the way home going 25-30 on the 405. I was really happy to get home.

On Sunday I was out wine tasting again with Bri. The roads where clear but it was dumping rain. We had a great time and later met the husbands in Bellevue for dinner. At dinner DK told me that it was really windy at our house. At one point he heard a banging noise. An hour or so later he realized that we had left the mudroom door unlocked and the wind BLEW it open! Holy crap! He walked out the door to find our two cats (who are NOT allowed outside - ever) sniffing around our garden shed! I am so glad he found them! I guess they knew they weren’t supposed to be out there because they ran back into the house on their own without DK even having to chase them down. I suspect that a short time in the wind and rain was too much for our spoiled little babies.

The rain is still pouring down and as of this morning our driveway has turned into a pond and the mini-horse farm near our house no longer has pasture land, it has a lake!

Gym Update - 12/3/07

I went to the gym 3 times last week.

December Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
BB - 12/6
Fuzzy - 12/24
SG - 12/29
Oafie - 12/31

Fixin’ my Bumble – Fit to be tied, literally

Most of you know (and love) Bumble my 1971 VW Transporter. I love Bumble. I find that when I am driving Bumble I smile a lot. It just makes me happier. But of course with old cars come little problems. Luckily, old cars are also easy to work on if you need to fix little things here or there.

That brings me to this morning...

My morning commute is not bad at all. 15 minutes usually. I start by driving about 2 miles on hilly surface streets. Then I hop on the freeway and drive for about 6 miles, exit and drive a mile or so to my office. Usually on cold mornings Bumble will stall at the bottom of each of the 2 big hills I drive over to get to the freeway. No big deal. I know when it’s going to happen, so if I hear the engine sputter a little I just give it a touch of gas or let it stall and crank it over again when the light turns green. Once I get on the freeway the engine warms up and it won’t stall again.

This morning Bumble didn’t stall at all! I was shocked! Wonderful! Amazing! Then I was idling in neutral at a stop and noticed that the engine was idling higher than normal. The tachometer doesn’t work so I have to listen for when to shift, etc. The idle sounded out of the ordinary. Oh well, at least it’s not stalling! I continued on my way. I got off the freeway and was pulling into my office parking lot when I realized that my gas pedal was stuck about half way down! I put it in neutral and coasted into a spot with the engine revving. I pulled the parking break and reached down and pulled the gas pedal back up.

I think the pedal mechanism just needs to be oiled so I am going to try that. For now I tied a piece of twine around the gas pedal and tied it to my dash board with enough slack that I can floor it on the freeway. Then when the pedal sticks down I can just pull on the twine and that makes it pop back up!

A Very Merry Christmas

Brently emailed this to me and I thought it was soooooo awesome I had to share it. Behold the beer tree...

Cute LOL Cat

moar funny pictures

Gym Update - 11/26/07

I only went to the gym twice last week. What can I say, I was too busy being lazy and eating my way through the holiday weekend. :) I did go for a 2 mile brisk walk on Friday so I think that kind of makes up for not going to the gym 3 times.

The Craft Addict

For some reason I have been feeling really crafty lately. It's like I got brainwashed by Martha Stewart or something.

I have spent $200 on beads (and beading supplies) in the past week. This is more expensive than crack.

I have also been knitting, learning to crochet and I have an extreme desire to start back up on the sock monsters. Seriously I am a compulsive craft addict. I finish something and I just want to make more!

I figured I need to sell this shit or I really can't make any more. How many necklace and earring sets can one person own? I called I Heart Rummage to see if I can get into their 12/16 Seattle show. I am waiting to hear back from them. I don't think I will get in because they limit the amount of jewelry vendors and the deadline was 5 days ago. Plus, 12/16 is the last show until Christmas so I am sure it's full and probably already has a waiting list.

Any other ideas of where I can sell this stuff?

Also, on the off chance that I can get into I Heart Rummage I need a business name. I was thinking the price tags could have a picture of Bumble and I could call it Bumble Beead Works.

Gym Update - 11/16/07

I went to the gym 3 times this week.

Tomorrow I will be a millionaire.

I have 10 tickets for the Washington State Lotto 25 Year Anniversary Raffle. The drawing is tonight. Only 375,000 tickets were sold. This game offers the best odds the lotto has ever offered. They are giving away a total 3.75 million. Since it is a raffle, each ticket number is unique so prizes cannot be split.

The prizes are as follows:
$1 million – 3 winning tickets
$100,000 – 4 winning tickets
$1,000 – 350 winning tickets

The most I can win with my 10 tickets is $3,403,000.

Wish me luck!

Panera breakfast sandwich = crazy delicious

I love Panera. The sandwiches and soup are sooooo good. I skipped dinner last night so I decided to go to Panera this morning to pick up a breakfast sandwich to go. Yummy is the word that comes to mind. Picture two pieces of grilled ciabatta bread with a scrambled egg and white cheddar melted inside. Yum. I recommend pairing the cheese and egg sandwich with a giant fountain Sprite. Everyone knows that fountain Sprite is better than canned or bottled Sprite. I think it has more bubbles. I like bubbles.

Now if only they would put the Schlotzsky's back I could have Panera for breakfast and Schlotzsky's for lunch. 3 words that make me happy: spicy ranch sauce. Freaking delicious! I miss Schlotzsky's so much. The closest one is 149 miles away in Aloha, OR. Sad.

P.S. I think this loaf of bread is so cool! I want to buy one and bring it to a Christmas dinner party or something. If you invite me over for a Christmas party you may get one of these. But no promises!

Masked Bandit

Last week I was sitting on my front porch around 10:00 pm reading a book. I heard a few noises in the bushes but didn't think anything of it. Our neighborhood has lots of outdoor cats and lots of strays. Then I heard a noise in the grass right in front of me. I look up and there is a cocker spaniel-sized raccoon standing right by my foot, staring at me.

OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG!

It was so close I could have kicked it. I love animals but I DO NOT like raccoons. I don't want to hurt them, but they are dangerous and volatile** and I don’t want them anywhere near me. Unfortunately, the ones in our neighborhood are supersized and not the least bit frightened of humans.

I let out a shriek and froze like one of those creepy living statues. It looked surprised and took a step back. In a split second different scenarios were running through my head.
Should I not move and hope it moves away?
Should I grab my pet rock on the table next to me and whack it over the head?
Should I try to kick it?
Should I throw my book at it?
Should I throw my bottle of water at it?
Should I scream and wave my arms around like a maniac?
Are raccoons even scared of maniacs?

I went with option one, stay still and hope it moves away while silently repeating “get away” to myself. That worked. He backed away from me a few feet and then he turned and scurried off into the bushes. Yikes – It took over an hour for me to start breathing normally again and for the adrenaline to die down. It scared me so bad that it made me nauseous.

Do not let a raccoon’s adorable little face and chubby body fool you! They are finely tuned killing machines! They lure you in with their cuteness or sneak up on you when you are minding your own business reading a book and then BAM – they attack! I was lucky to avoid the attack.

**I used to work at this web dev place and one of my co-workers told me that his grandpa was killed by a raccoon! Kind of a strange fluke thing, but he said that a raccoon got into his grandpa’s cabin. The grandpa was a mountain man – no phone, no electricity, no neighbors, etc. He tried to swat the raccoon out the front door with a broom or something. The raccoon bit him on the wrist and latched on. The old man’s first and only instinct was to shake it off. In the process his wrist really got torn up and he ended up bleeding to death because there was no way to get help. I realize that story may not even be true (although I think it is) and it’s a really strange and rare sequence of events, but I am not taking any chances!

Gym update and weigh in - 11/12/07

Call CNN!!! I went to the gym 3 times last week.

I also got weighed and measured on Friday. In the past 6 weeks I have lost 2.75 inches! Yay! Update: I read the report wrong - I actually lost 4.25 inches in the past 6 weeks!!!

I have lost a total of 16 inches since January.

I am now more motivated to go to the gym 3 times a week. My slacker self is gone now that I have made more progress. I rewarded myself with an hour long deep tissue massage.

Gym update - 11/5/07

October = Bad gym month.

I only went to the gym twice last week. I was going to go a third time, but I spent 2 hours on Friday taking down and packing away the Halloween decorations. I figured 2 hours of manual labor made up for missing the third gym visit. I need to get back on track. It's just so hard when the weather sucks. It makes me want to curl up on the couch in my PJs and watch Murder She Wrote and knit. That's what I did yesterday.

Joke: Calmness in our lives

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

November Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
GW - 11/10
TG - 11/17
CM - 11/21
SB - 11/21
KG - 11/32

Happy Anniversary to:
C & BA - 11/19 - Together since 1999!

Happy Halloween!

Please enjoy this new take on "Thriller" - THE classic Halloween video. I wanted to post the original, but it can't be embedded.

P.S. This video is so cool. It must have taken FOREVER to make!

Halloween Decorations

We went a little over the top this year.

It looks so much better in the dark. The colored spot lights that illuminate the different features really make it pop.

Click to enlarge.

Concrete and asphalt

I woke up this morning to all kinds of loud noises coming from the Russian’s $3 million plus massive stucco turd across the street. Seriously, they have been building that house for 3 years – no exaggeration. DK pointed out the other day that skyscrapers are built in less time. (Update: The Empire State Building was built in 1 year and 45 days.) Will it ever be done? I think I got my answer today. There were five concrete and asphalt trucks lining the street. I know a little bit about construction and I think that means that they are going to pour the driveway! I think a driveway means that they are almost done. You wouldn’t want to drive heavy equipment over a driveway because it can crack. No more heavy equipment probably means it’s almost done! But with these shitheads*, who knows.

*I am surprised that Word spellchecker doesn’t object to the word “shitheads”!

It’s sad that my first thought was “I wonder if I can time it just right so that the workers are gone and the concrete is still wet so I can carve a giant FUCK YOU into the newly poured driveway?” My responsible side says not to do it because it will just prolong the construction-cluster-fuck that has come to be our daily lives, but the side of me that has been putting up with this bullshit from day one says to go for it – I deserve it!

The whole construction process has been a dream except for a few minor things…

• The constant, excessive noise
• The Russian waving his hand in my face to dismiss me from the discussion we were having


• The crime wave that has swept our neighborhood


• The foreman’s constant shouting in Russian at his underlings


• The workers peeing off the roof, exposing themselves to the whole neighborhood


• Walking out my front door and having the workers scream monkey and dog noises at me


• The night the porta-potty tipped over spilling blue, chemically treated shit all over the street, which the police informed me wasn’t a health issue or anything.


• The trash piles the size of a moving van in the front yard. Yes, they are spending millions on the house but couldn’t spring for a dumpster.


• The trash that blows across the street and into our front yard


• Finding cheap vodka bottles in our bushes – I swear they weren’t mine, I only drink the good stuff.


• Cars lining and/or blocking the street daily


• The destruction of my mom’s yard


• The massive piles of dirt and rock on the street


• The day they dumped a load of rocks the size of small cars (really small cars, like bubble cars) onto the street, shaking my house and leading me to believe that “the big one” was finally here and we were all going to die


• I am sure I am forgetting some things, but these are the big ones.

I should be fluent in Russian by now.

The good news is, as ugly as their house is; it’s raising our property value and for that I am grateful. I guess I should send them a fruit basket… laced with arsenic!

Monkey Business

Gym Update - 10/29/07

I only went to the gym twice last week. I didn't want to go at all.

Boring old gym update - 10/19/07

I went to the gym 3 times this week.

BEGRUDGINGLY!

Gym Update - 10/15/07

I only went to the gym twice last week because I am a slacker. I was going to go for a third time but I thought it would be way more fun to stay home in my pajamas and eat a bowl of ice cream instead. I should have known that the day was headed in that direction when I decided to have a taco for breakfast. Yummy!

I may or may not make up for that this week. Good Ash says I will, slacker Ash says no - have another bowl of ice cream!

We all have a crazy neighbor...

Check out this site: Rotten Neighbors. Some of the stories are soooo funny!

Damn cell phone

I am mad because someone keeps calling me on my cell from a 506 area code (New Brunswick, Canada). This has been going on for about a week. When I answer, no one is on the line. Next time I am going to shout as loud as I can "I thought Canadians could speak English!?!?!?" Maybe I should learn something vulgar in French, just in case.

Gym Update - 10/10/07

I only went to the gym twice last week. I went 4 times the week before to make up for that.

Gym Update - 10/1/07

I went to the gym 4 times last week! I am only going twice this week so I wanted to make up for it in advance.

October Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
CN - 10/4
KH - 10/5
LC - 10/5
JC - 10/9
AW - 10/14
CJA - 10/17!
SB - 10/21
TS - 10/31

Happy Anniversary to:
M & KH - 10/24 - Married since 2003!