Holy Bullshit

Preacher: God told him about storms, tsunami
Robertson says warning was for this year; tsunami might hit Northwest

From the AP:

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - In another in a series of notable pronouncements, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

Ash says: That is a convenient prediction considering both the frequency and intensity of hurricanes have been steadily increasing in recent years.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Ash says: First of all, I love that he left himself an out by saying "If I heard the Lord right..." What?? Does the Lord mumble or something? "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest." Once again, leaving him self an out with "There well may be something..." Scientists have been saying this for YEARS! I live in the Pacific Northwest and we even have tsunami evacuations signs on the highways in some areas. That's like saying a volcano could erupt in the Pacific Northwest.

This poll scares me. You mean to tell me that 8,670 believe that he is telling the truth and 8,670 people aren't sure? Yikes.



Read the full story here.

Cha-cha-changes

Yesterday I gave my two weeks notice at my old job. It was a happy but sad event. I am very excited about my new job, but I will miss my old team a lot. I turned off comments, because I think we can just leave it at that. Normally I don't even blog about work, but I thought that this momentous occasion called for an announcement. If you know me in real life you can call me and I'll tell you all about my new job. If you don't know me in real life then please just guess that I am a bounty hunter.

Remembering 627

Sometimes I think about my old house and I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I love our new house so much, but my old house was very special to me. I moved in there when I was 19. Total I have lived in at least* 17 houses, apartments and condos. Since no one seems to believe this, I am going to list them at the bottom of this post. *I feel like I am forgetting a couple.

I think I loved the 627 house because I stayed there for 6 years and I felt really comfortable there. For once there was a period of time that I didn't have to move around constantly! For once I felt like I had a real home and not just a house. I seem to miss the 627 house the most when changes are going on in my life. I guess because that was the one place that always stayed the same. Sure, I bought new furniture, moved stuff around and painted sometimes, but it was still the same house with my things. Right now I have some huge changes going on in my life, they are all very positive but it's still a little stressful, even though it's good stress.

In honor of the 627 house I am going to post some pictures that I took when I was selling it. Once I got it ready to sell by cleaning, painting, having the hardwoods refinished and new carpet installed I didn't really want to leave anymore! Prior to the improvements that I did to sell the house, I had done a ton of work like replacing two of the bathroom floors with radiant heated tile. In the end I thought, why didn't I do all of this 6 years ago!?!?!

Loft Style Master Bedroom:


Master Bathroom (My Bathroom):


Second Bedroom (DK's Office):


Second Bathroom (DK's Bathroom):


Third Bedroom (Ashley's Office):




Living Room:


Dinning Room:


Kitchen:


Little Backyard:


Not pictured:
Third bathroom, garage, laundry room, entry way, pantry.

Places I have lived:
1. Beaux Arts (ages 1-5)
2. Lake Sammamish Condo
3. Issaquah
4. Medina
5. Yarrow Wood
6. Fire Dept. House
7. View House
8. Lake Sammamish House
9. Pool House
10. Blue House
11. Apartment 2
12. Apartment 5
13. House 1st
14. Apartment 2 (again)
15. Diller Apartments
16. 627 House (ages 19-25)
17. Clyde Hill View House

The Wedding Flasher

On Saturday 5/13 my brother T got married. Yea! It was a beautiful ceremony held on a cruise around Puget Sound. The weather was warm and sunny and love was in the air. My new sister in law is awesome and so is her family!

My mom and I went onto the front deck to enjoy the beautiful views and the fresh air. Everyone else was just inside the huge wall of windows looking out onto the front deck. I was wearing my brand new emerald green silk dress. It get's pretty breezy out on the water. All of a sudden, a huge gust of wind hit me and blew my dress way, way up! Yes, I flashed EVERYONE at my brother's wedding. I will forever be known as the wedding flasher. It was very Marilyn Monroe, except I had a surprised, mortified look on my face instead of the "oh, this breeze feels so good on my bum" look that she was able to pull off so well.

I am not sure why I am adding this other than I am sure someone will ask it in the comments. YES, I WAS WEARING UNDERWEAR! I ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR!

UNC BBQ

As many of you know, DK is a graduate of UNC Chapel Hill. I am not, but I consider myself alumni in spirit because I have been to Chapel Hill, I agreed to invite Dean Smith and Roy Williams to our wedding and I anxiously hold my breath during Tar Heel basketball games. One thing that you have to understand about DK is there was never any question that he would be a Tar Heel, even though he is so smart he could have gone to practically any school. Both of his parents and both of his siblings went to UNC. His dad says that he is going to get "A Tar Heel born, a Tar Heel bred, a Tar Heel dead" on his grave marker. I think he might be serious. Even his 82 year old grandma will stay up until midnight watching a game. Hardcore!

Being a northwest native and a vegetarian to boot, I am just now learning the rules of BBQ. Over the years DK has been educating me on what real BBQ is. For example, sometimes I invite our friends over for a BBQ. To me, this means that we fire up the grill and cook burger and hotdogs. We have all of the fixings like pickles, tomatoes, onion, lettuce, mayo, mustard, cheese and potato salad, macaroni salad, chips and salsa, etc. Guess what? That isn't a BBQ at all, it's really a cook out! A BBQ is simply a pit with a pig in it. No toppings, just a white bread bun, pulled pork and one type of sauce with sweet tea (diabetes in a cup), coleslaw and sometimes standard potato salad on the side, not that fancy northwest potato salad with blue cheese and baby red potatoes!

Last night we went to the annual Puget Sound University of North Carolina BBQ. I expected that it would be a bunch of couples and families running a big grill out in a field somewhere, cooking burgers and dogs. Boy was I wrong! They flew in the food from North Carolina! Yep, that's right, authentic pork, sauce, coleslaw and potato salad from North Carolina along with some homemade sweet tea. Yowzers, these people are serious about their BBQ! When we first got there, we weren't sure how long we would stay and we figured we wouldn't come back next year, the food wasn't out yet and we didn't know anyone. After DK ate his BBQ he was like "Oh man, I'm coming back next year!" You have to understand that every time we go out somewhere for dinner and DK orders BBQ anything, but especially pulled pork he is severely disappointed. I guess us northwesterner's just don't know how to do BBQ. Hey, are you from the South and know of a great BBQ place in the Seattle area? Post it in the comments so DK can give it a try!

After dinner, everyone went around the room and said their name, what year they graduated and their major. It was a good mix of people, ranging from a 1958 graduate to a 2005 graduate. They got to one lady and she said who she was, etc. and the host type guy said "Did someone say the D word?" The lady starts laughing. The host guy says "That's right everyone, Deb married a Dookie!" (Duke graduate.) All of a sudden everyone in the room except me and the Dookie started booing. Boooooo! Booooooooooo! Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!! He must be used to that type of reaction because he just laughed it off. Good for him, if I was in a room filled with 50+ people booing at me, I might run out crying! It's just too Carrie. DK wanted to yell "Did you play lacrosse too??" Yikes, harsh!

A guy went to the front of the room and announced that they were going to have a raffle! I was so excited, I love raffles and DK always seems to win something! They had some cool Tar Heel gear like a t-shirt, blanket, koozie (insulated drink holder), etc. I think there were about 6 prizes and around 50-60 people in the room. On the way in everyone was given one ticket. The raffle guy asked if anyone wanted to purchase any additional tickets for $1 each. A few people did and the raffle was under way. DK won the t-shirt (pictured) and gave it to me! Yea, I kind of won something, or at least I ended up with a prize! After all of the prizes were raffled off, the raffle guy said that they would now be raffling off containers of the leftover pork, does anyone want to buy any extra tickets for that?? Yep, a lot of people did! DK bought three more tickets since one of our two had already been drawn. Sure enough he won a container of pork! That's two prizes in one night! We still had three chances to win. DK said that if another of our tickets was picked I should go up and claim the pork since he had already won twice. I quickly formulated a plan that if I won I would go up to the front of the room, take my container of pork and yell "I went to Duke and I am a vegetarian!!! Ha ha haaaaaaaaa! What a waste of your precious pork!!!" (I did not go to Duke by the way.) But I didn't win any pork, so my moment never happened, but at least I got to tell you all (y'all) about it!

So here is a wrap up of the evening:
UNC = Hates Duke
BBQ = Religion and more valuable than gold.

Related Posts:
A Vegetarian in Love - 7/4/06

Secret Agent Man

This is freaking hilarious!

"He and his band ordered in tray after tray of whisky, beer, gin and wine at London's trendy Borderline club and ended up at Strand Palace Hotel in the West End. At 2am bar staff refused to serve any more alcohol. Undaunted, Kiefer persuaded management to let them loose in the lobby. He ordered yet more booze on room service, then staggered around the entrance hall, entertaining pals with a bizarre, flailing breakdancing routine. He then charged into a 12ft Christmas tree, sending it crashing to the floor. "I hate that fucking Christmas tree," he declared. "The tree HAS to come down." The party was finally called off at 5.30am by hotel security - when guests starting arriving for breakfast. Ah, nothing says Christmas quite like talking shit to the Christmas tree. And then attacking it. I'd say this was an aberration for Kiefer, but it's not. If booze was hair, he'd be the sasquatch."
Watch the video.


Evidentially tackling Christmas trees isn't the only trick Kiefer has up his sleeve. Note: There are other photos floating around out there of Kiefer droppin' trou.

Sources:
The Superficial
24 Headquarters

Gain Clean

My favorite smell in the world is Gain original laundry detergent. I have no idea why, but I just love it. If they made perfume that smelled like Gain I would totally buy it and wear it every day. I would also love to have some Gain scented shampoo, deodorant and lotion. If they sold Gain scented car air fresheners I would buy those too. I wish they sold Gain plug-in home air fresheners. I actually like doing laundry because it makes my house smell like Gain. I also feel this way about Dove original white soap, but not quite to the degree that I love my Gain.

Dear Warren Jeffs,

Does your whole family look like a bunch of child molesters or what? Oh, that's right, you are! You are also a hateful, racist, con artist.


Rulon Jeffs with 2 of his wives (left) & Warren Jeffs (right)

Hey, guess what Warren? The FBI is finally coming after you! Yay FBI! It's about time!

Everyone knows what the FLDS is all about. We all know that for the past four years you have been repeatedly molesting children; just like we knew that your father was molesting children for at least 15 years before that. With the exception of the one previous raid on your compound, our government has allowed this to go on for over two decades. That raid didn't really do anything. All they did was arrest the men. What they need to do this time is take the children too. Otherwise the men get out of jail, come home and keep up the same routine of excommunicating the adolescent boys so that the young girls are available to the old, sick, perverted men like you.

The other thing the government needs to do is find a way to educate those children. Even if a child decides they want to leave your compound, where are they going to go and what are they going to do with a sixth or eighth grade education? You have done an excellent job of trapping over 10,000 people and making them think that they are staying on their own. I think most educated people would agree that a prophet who has never been correct in any of his predictions is not a prophet at all; you are just a con artist.

I believe that three things have forced the government's action on this.

1. The book Under the Banner of Heaven, A Story of Violent Faith by Jon Krakauer. See previous post about this book.
2. The same-sex marriage civil rights fight. The original law states that a marriage is a union between one man and one woman. Because we are taking away the man/woman part, shouldn't we also take away the one/one part? I support same sex marriages and I might also support polygamy if it didn't involve children. Just because I don't agree with marrying multiple people doesn't give me the right to say that way of life should be illegal.
3. The HBO show Big Love. Now I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I am not sure if they modeled the show after your family and compound or if it is just a shocking coincidence. Lets take a look at some of the similarities and differences:

• Villain Name:
  Real Life: Rulon Jeffs & Warren Jeffs
  Big Love: Roman Grant
• Church Trust Name:
  Real Life: United Effort Plan (UEP)
  Big Love: United Effort Brotherhood (UEB)
• Compound Name:
  Real Life: Colorado City, AZ
  Big Love: Juniper Creek, UT
• Estimated number of wives:
  Real Life: Rulon Jeffs (50-75) & Warren Jeffs (100 +)
  Big Love: Roman Grant (14)

Did you ever wonder why the FBI cracked down so hard on the Mob and just let your United Effort Plan flourish for the past two decades? When your assets were finally seized, the UEP was estimated to be worth over 100 MILLION dollars!

Your communities of Colorado City and Hildale have a welfare rate that is many times the national average. The government is supporting your sect! That's right, my hard earned tax dollars are paying for the many "unwed mothers" that actually live in a nice 15,000 square foot, 25 bedroom house with no mortgage at all because your UEP owns everything. They have a "husband" who takes care of them and their children, but because that "marriage" is not legally recognized, they can take and take and take from funds like welfare. I bet you aren't really up to date on your taxes are you?

I think this thing is going to go down like another Waco. I don't think that you will be taken alive because I am sure you know how they treat child molesters in prison and I think that would be an informal death sentence for you. So go for it Warren, do us all a favor, save us the cost of putting you through a lengthy trial, as soon as you see the SWAT team roll in just grab your gun and wave it around in the air!

Sincerely,
Ash, Concerned Citizen and Angry American

Related posts:
Warren Jeffs: It sucks to be you! - 8/29/06
Snake Bite Key ("Another Book" section) - 2/19/06

More information:
Wikipedia: Warren Jeffs
Wikipedia: FLDS
NPR: Warren Jeffs and the FLDS

Life in the Fast Lane

I would just like to tell you that I got kicked out of the express line at the grocery store on Sunday night. I was really pissed! I had 17 items instead of 15 and some of the items were duplicates. Plus, it seems like the number of items is a guideline and if you have to count to see how close you are, you should just be allowed to use the fucking express line! Thanks for listening.

San Felipe Photos

Here are a few photos from my trip to San Felipe. Enjoy! (Click to enlarge)

View of the town, the Malecon and the beach from the lighthouse. As you can see the tide is way out. San Felipe has one of the largest tide changes in the world. I forget how high it ranks, but it is something crazy like 28 feet.


You can ride horses on the beach. I didn't because I didn't want to pull a Madonna and risk having to Medivac to California. Shit like that can really ruin a vacation!


This pina colada van drives along the beach and sells fresh pina coladas served in either a pineapple or a coconut!


May 1st is Labor Day in Mexico so tons of people were taking advantage of the long weekend and camping on the beach. Very fun!


You have to drive right through the Sierra Juarez mountain range to get to San Felipe from the states. The views from the highway are amazing.


This is a cute little Corona store on the highway between San Felipe and Mexicali. I prefer Tecate and Pacifico to Corona, but I have to admit that this store is awesome! The highways in this part of Mexico are so easy going; most people average around double the speed limit, $100 pesos ($10 USD) will get you out of a ticket and you can drink in the car. If you are planning a road trip and want it to be hassle free, I highly recommend this route!

Related posts:
Air Travel Rant - 5/3/06
About San Felipe - 5/3/06
Make a run for the border! - 4/26/06

Meet My New Ugly Doll, Wedgehead!

On Friday night DK and I went out to dinner and then walked over to the art museum. The museum was going to close in a few minutes, so we decided to just check out the gift shop. I knew that they sold Uglies there because I bought one for Baby NKE a few months back.

What can I say, I just couldn't resist, and now I have seven Uglies. Three live at my office and four at home. This lovely ugly is named Wedgehead, but I just call him Wedgie for short.

Here's Wedgie's story:
Wedgehead has his eye on you. ...and he likes what he sees! Finally, someone who understands him! He is very handsome too...can't you tell? What do you mean he looks pitiful? Look at that charismatic posture! Wedgehead understands you too. He sees things the way you see them... OK so he has to stand on his head to do so, but still! He understands exactly what you mean. Wedgehead and his best buddy OX are on a mission to prove that humans really do exist, and he would like you to help them on their quest. The proof can be found in the snacks! Have any?

UPDATE: One of my coworkers is having a rough day so I loaned Wedgie to him. Everyone loves Uglies! :)

Related posts:
New Uglys - 7/17/06
My Dwight Schrute Bobble Head! - 7/13/06
Abe the Yeti - 6/1/06
iPod Mini - 4/21/06
I am a giant child that loves monsters - 3/23/06
Cube Cult-ure - 3/17/06
Keeping up in the business world - 3/16/06

So Many May Birthdays!

Happy Birthday to:

5/5 - Chloe (My cat)

5/7 - Ty

5/8 - Josh

5/9 - Toast

5/10 - Alex

5/11 - Steve

Related posts:

Dear Bri, - 4/24/06

Today is DK's birthday! - 4/14/06

Birthday - 3/8/06

Square Dancer License Plate and Fascinating Washington Facts!

I saw one of these license plates the other day and I thought: "Seriously, who would want this? Are there really enough avid square dancers in Washington to justify creating this specialized plate?" So I decided to Google it and guess what? Yep, Square Dancing is Washington's official state dance! Who knew?!?! "State Dance: The square dance (or quadrille) was named the official state dance on April 17, 1979..."
Ash says: Some crazy shit happened in the '70's and I think this is near the top of the list!

I also found some other interesting facts that I never knew about the great state of Washington. I found most of this info on this site and I have summarized all of the interesting tidbits and added my comments for your reading pleasure.

State Nickname: The phrase “The Evergreen State” appears on Washington license plates and in numerous official and unofficial uses, but it has never been formally adopted...

State Slogan: "Say WA?" (Kind of like "Say what?" without the H and the T.)
Ash says: See comment under State Mollusk.

State Mollusk: No official designee, yet, but many favor the banana slug. This could be the geoduck’s second chance for immortality as well, but HistoryLink favors the magnificent Giant Pacific Octopus, which is the largest of its kind and also the most intelligent of all invertebrates.
Ash says: Do we really need a state mollusk? I guess not, but if we chose the clam for our state mollusk then we could use "Jam out with your clam out" for our official state slogan instead of that ridiculous "Say WA?" that they just came up with. I know Chris would vote for this!

State Mammal: We don't have a terrestrial mammal yet, so HistoryLink nominates the mountain beaver (Aplodontia rufa), which is actually a large and primitive rodent... Aplodontia is ugly, stinky, and host to the world's largest fleas...

State Marine Mammal: We do have a state marine mammal: the orca.
Ash says: How clever!

State Flower: The Coast Rhododendron was selected over five other candidates (including clover) to be Washington’s floral representative at the 1893 Columbia Exposition in Chicago. The 1892 special ballot was limited to women, who did not then have the right to vote in official elections.
Ash says: Give us an inch and we'll take a mile! ;)

State Grass: The native bluebunch wheatgrass (Agropyron spicatum) was named the official state grass in 1989. The other popular candidate for this honor remains illegal except for medicinal use in some states.
Ash says: He he heeeee.

Air Travel Rant

Oh wow, I didn't realize till after I finished writing this post how mad I am about it! On my recent trip I noticed a few things about air travel.

First off, let me start by saying that I was on a 5:30 am flight from Seattle to Phoenix. This guy a few rows behind me gets up and starts walking towards the cockpit doors, he is swaying and weaving and all of a sudden he goes down like a ton of bricks. He was probably about my age, but if he was an old person I would have thought he had a heart attack or something. He went down so fast and didn't even attempt to break his fall. His head smacked against someone's arm rest and he was out like a fucking light, lying in the isle right by my row. Everyone is just staring in complete disbelief. All the way at the back of the plane the flight attendants are gabbing away with each other and paying absolutely no attention. So I stand up and yell as loud as I can "HELP, SOMEBODY HELP!" Total panic ensues. The last thing you want to hear on an airplane is someone frantically screaming for help. Not cool. But for all I knew this guy is about to take the big dirt nap and no one is even attempting to see if he is breathing. Luckily a passenger a few rows back was a nurse and she got everything all cleared up. I guess the guy was feeling nauseous and next thing he knew he woke up on the floor with a serious headache and a big purple bump on his head.

Have you noticed lately how everything in an airplane is a freaking billboard? They try to sell shit right and left on the plane. You put your tray table down to set your free half a can of Ginger ale on and there is a fucking Verizon Wireless ad covering the whole surface! You are forced to sit through the flight attendant's pitch about the great mileage rewards on the credit card that she wants you to sign up for. What would they do if I plugged my ears and screamed "Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na I can't hear you! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na I STILL can't hear you!" I'll tell you what they would do, they would open the emergency exit and toss my ass out for being disobedient and not complying with the flight attendant while she is asking me to please be quiet and trying to pull my hands away from my ears! Is it just because they literally have a captive audience that they think they can get away with this bullshit? I think I have a right to ask that I not be barraged with advertisements, especially when I paid over $300 for a 3 hour flight. Since the airlines are making all of this money off of advertising, why don't they discount my ticket? The beverage napkins even had an ad for P.F. Chang’s and the foaming soap in the lavatory was heavily branded with Dial logos. Fuck this! Why am I paying over $100 per hour to see someone's advertisements?

I hate it when people say incredibly stupid things. On my trip one of the flight attendants was going through the motions explaining the safety features and procedures he said "In the unlikely even of a water landing pull up on the back of your seat bottom cushion, put both arms through the red straps on the back and hold it close to your chest. When you enter the water, assume a floating position." What? Versus THE SINKING POSITION? If we have to tell someone to float in water so they don’t drown, it may just be best not to tell them and let nature take its course!

One more thing. You know how they want you to brace yourself by putting your head down and hugging your legs in the event of an emergency landing? Guess what? They have stolen so many inches of space between your seat and the seat in front of you that it is nearly impossible to assume the emergency position! Yes, that's right folks, I am 5' 4" and pack around just a few extra pounds and I would not be able to get into the emergency position because the seat in front of me is too close. Bitches!

Related posts:
San Felipe Photos - 5/9/06
About San Felipe - 5/3/06
Make a run for the border! - 4/26/06

About San Felipe

Hello everyone,

I'm back! The trip was great. San Felipe is beautiful, small, quiet and really fun! We had a great time and I look forward to going back at some point. I will post some photos as soon as I get my film developed. (Gasp! Yes, I have a REAL camera!!)

Ash :)

Related posts:
San Felipe Photos - 5/9/06
Air Travel Rant - 5/3/06
Make a run for the border! - 4/26/06