Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Pimp, Ho and Henchman

Every Tuesday we go to a little dive bar to play poker. I try to get there early so I can play this touch screen video game called the Mega Touch. I don't like playing it once my friends get there because then I am glued to the screen and anti-social.

Last night I got to the bar and saw that there were 2 people sitting at the table that has my favorite game machine. Neither of them were sitting at the machine or playing it so I went up and asked them if they would mind if I did. They said no so I sat down and started playing.

The man was older, had a radio/DJ type voice and a black top hat on. The woman was in her late 30's with funny teeth and really bad hair - bad bangs to be more specific.

I wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying, just zoning out on my game. A big guy walks up and starts talking to them. Every other word out of his mouth is fuck. The guy with the top hat sternly reprimands him saying something like "Watch your mouth; we have a lady here (pointing to me). You can say whatever you want in front of Crystal (the bad bang woman) and the other girls but you have to watch your mouth in front of a lady. Don't make me tell you again." I was surprised that he would be so mean to the big guy and to Crystal but mostly I just didn't care what he was saying. I said "Oh no, don't worry about me - I've heard it all before." As I am saying this the top hat guy is holding his hand up as if to stop me. Ok - whatever, back to my game.

As I sit there and listen to these people talk it becomes apparent to me that the top hat guy is a pimp, Crystal the big bang lady is a prostitute and the big guy must be a friend or henchman. That last role is a little fuzzy to me, hard to tell I guess but he did seem to do everything the pimp told him to do - get drinks for everyone, shut up, he was told what he and Crystal would have for dinner (spaghetti if anyone is wondering), etc.

These are some of the reasons why I think they are a pimp, hooker and henchman and also just some weird stuff:

  • The pimp tells Crystal that she owes him money. She says she doesn't. He said he will check the "book" and if her name is still in there then she still owes him money.

  • Crystal and the henchman are complaining that they don't have anything for dinner. Pimp begrudgingly agrees that they can have spaghetti with him. Pimp also asks me if I want to come over for spaghetti dinner and I decline.

  • Crystal complains that she has no where to sleep tonight. Pimp says she can sleep in the "tin can" with the other girls. (The tin can is a trailer.)

  • Crystal complains that the tin can is cold 'cause the heater is broken. Pimp instructs henchman to fix the heater in the tin can.

  • Pimp repeatedly offers to buy me drinks. I of course say no!

  • Pimp continues to buy Crystal shots which she doesn't like and doesn't want to drink but she does what he says and he is telling her to drink the shots.

  • Crystal catches sight of my wedding and engagement ring and starts asking lots of questions which I answer vaguely and imply that it's fake. (So henchman doesn't decide to rob me in the parking lot for it.)

At this point I make my big escape by telling them that it's been nice chatting but I need to go play some games on the other game machine.

How freaking strange is this? How do I get myself into these situations? Mega Touch - that's how!


DK said...

You are a weirdo magnet.

Raggedy Angst said...

Gee, I wonder how much Crystal charges for a "mega-touch" and what that means in ho-speak? Does anyone speak ho?

NuclearToast said...

You should have asked top hat guy if he could PIMP YOUR RIDE!

Raggedy Angst said...

You can pimp a ride, but can you ride a pimp? And what kind of saddle would that require?

Ash said...

RA - that would require a latex saddle. ;)

DK said...

The comments on this post prove my point. You are a weirdo magnet.

NuclearToast said...

...says the guy that actually married her.

CJK said...

I need to start coming to Poker night! I'm missing out on all the good pimp and ho sightings.