Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dear Idiotic Thieving Fuckhead,

Thanks for coming into my neighborhood and stealing my new checks out of our mailbox.

You are a stupid asshole. Stupid because you wrote a check to YOURSELF for $580 and tried to cash it at the Sea-Tac branch of MY bank, giving the teller your real driver's license! OMG - you are such a dumb ass! An asshole because that is my money and you have no right to it.

Also, the Sea-Tac Police know who you are because you ran off without your driver's license and they said that they know you well and could most likely arrest you that night. Fraud is a felony and you are going to jail asswipe! I know your name and your name is stupid too.

Last night after I spent two hours closing my account and setting up new ones and talking to the police I still went to the gym like I was supposed to. That's right - you may have fucked up my Monday but you didn't deter me from my quest for fitness! They have a gym in prison - maybe Big Bubba can be your spotter?

After the gym I went home and took a nice hot bath and had a glass of wine while watching my soaps in the tub. No baths or wine for you in jail and the only soap you need to worry about is the bar in the shower. Don't drop it!

Then I had a nice dinner. Asparagus, ravioli and bread. What did you have for dinner last night? I hope it was good since you are going to prison soon and I hear the food there sucks! I hope you like cold macaroni with yucky American cheese and hotdog chunks and some substance that could be mashed potatoes or oatmeal! I also had a slice of gelato cake. Do you even know what gelato is? I thought about having a second piece of cake but I decided not to. After all - I am free so I can have gelato cake any time I want. I bet you will go your whole miserable life without ever trying gelato cake! Ha!

I slept really well in our nice, comfortable bed.

Sucks to be you asshole! You didn't even get a dime of my money!


NuclearToast said...

I'm so glad you live in a nice neighborhood.

DK said...

Well written & funny - you should get pissed off more often.

Also mail security is kinda like national security - if you plug your ears and pretend it exists then it does.

Bri said...

I'm sorry Ashley
That sucks...what an ass.

Raggedy Angst said...

First Glen and then the checks. Will the madness never stop?! So glad they got him; maybe we should all go see him on visiting day and wear shirts that say, "I'm Visiting Stupid."

Ash said...

Nuclear Toast - Yeah! Why not rob the people who live in the 2 million dollar house next door? They probably wouldn't even notice if $580 was gone. They might just assume they spent that on a car wash/wax or lattes or something and ignore it!

Raggedy Angst - I LOVE IT! :)

CJ said...

Why $580? If you're gonna write yourself a check why not go for a couple thousand?

Sorry to hear you had close all your account, but i'm glad they know who it is!

CJ said...

and can i have some more gelato cake? That is the best cake EVER.

Oaf said...

This guy is a winner! I wonder if they caught the asswipe(s) who opened up a bank account in my name. All I know is that I had two warrants out for my arrest down in Florida because of it. Maybe they could be cell-buddies with Bubba.