Pardon me...

I don't know why I was just thinking about this, but it is funny as hell!

A few weeks ago I was driving somewhere with Chris, Bri and DK. We are at a stop light and Chris rolls down his window and asks the guy in the car next to us "Pardon me, would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?" The guy just looked at us funny - it would have been great if he said in a British accent "But of course" but he didn't.

Next time I see someone in a Rolls Royce I am totally going to ask them that. If for some reason I ever end up with a Rolls Royce I am going to keep a jar of Grey Poupon in the glove box just in case someone asks me. Then I could hold the jar out the window and say "But of course!"

My New 80's-tastic License

I have been meaning to get a new license with my new name on it for a while. A couple of years ago I decided that the next time I got a new license I was going to dress up and make the picture 80's-tastic! Well folks - I have done it! I came home and took a few pictures for all of you to enjoy! P.S. Do you know how hard it is to find a crimping iron in 2006? I had to call or go to 5 stores to find one!

This was how I posed at first, but the DOL guy said I couldn't have my finger in the picture. Too bad - it looks like a total glamour shot!


So the final picture looks very similar to this one. I can't wait to get the full color version in the mail in about a week!

Food Lifeline

Did you know that for $11 you can buy 55 Thanksgiving meals for hungry people in Western Washington?

Recently I received something in the mail from Food Lifeline and I was really impressed with what I read. For starters, the fact that they can do so much with such a small donation is impressive. For every $1 donated, Food Lifeline provides $9 worth of food for hungry people. Also, 96% of all donations go directly to feeding hungry people and only 4% goes to administrative fees. That is a very impressive ratio.

Thanksgiving is coming up and with $11 you can:

• buy 3 lattes
• buy less than 2 packs of cigarettes
• pay to park downtown
• eat breakfast at Chase's Pancake Corral
• pay for 1/3 of a cab ride from Pioneer Square to my house

- OR -

PAY FOR 55 THANKSGIVING MEALS FOR HUNGRY PEOPLE!

Please visit their web site to make a tax deductible donation!
Hey, would you rather give that money to the government or people who really need it to do good in our community?

Halloween is upon us

With Halloween just around the corner I thought I would share a funny story from last Halloween.

We had a party at our house, which we usually do. We had the yard all decorated as a graveyard with Nuclear Toast's awesome decorations that he gave us when he moved. We had all of the tombstones set up (about 15 or 20) and lots of cool jack-o-lanterns and mannequins dressed as Dracula, Frankenstein, etc. We even saved up all of the leaves that we raked and put mannequin legs sticking out of the ground with the leaves around them so it looked like a corpse was going to pop out of the ground at any minute just like in Thriller!

Everyone was pretty inebriated and there were really two moods going on at the party. There was the mellow group listening to one of our friends play guitar and sing and then there was what I now call drunken debauchery team one. I was a part of the latter.

Bri was sitting with the mellow group and as she looked out our front window she saw DK run by waving a set of mannequin legs in the air and Chris right behind him in hot pursuit. She thought to herself - Damn, Ashley is going to be pissed at them. At that moment I ran by carrying a pumpkin and SMASHED it in the driveway - pumpkin flying everywhere. Chris and DK were breaking whisky bottles on the rockery and I was trashing every pumpkin I could find, on the driveway, in the yard, in the street - pumpkin everywhere!

The next day we woke up and went out front to survey the damage. There was of course smashed pumpkin everywhere, including on the roof along with a mannequin head, and broken bottles everywhere. DK started to clean up and a neighbor walked by. DK shook his head and shrugged his shoulders kind of like "Damn, those teenagers got us again!"

Fun times, fun times!

This year we are going to go all out with the decorations and put signs up at the main road to lure trick-or-treaters down to our graveyard of Halloween horrors!

It's legal!

Today I went to court and legally changed my name! When the judge called me up to the table with the microphone and asked me if I was petitioning to change my name I wanted to scream "I OBJECT" so badly, but I figured he wouldn't think it was as funny as I did. Also, he yelled at someone for wearing a hat in court. Luckily he didn’t yell at me for wearing my pajama sweat suit.

My crazy night in Vegas

I had a crazy dream last night and I thought I would share it with all of you. I dreamt that I was in Vegas and won a lot of money on a slot machine. I do play slots sometimes in Vegas, but only Lobster Mania because it plays the B52's Rock Lobster when you win and Wheel of Fortune because well, spinning the wheel is fun! Back to my dream: So in my dream I had been drinking when I won big on the slot. So I decided that I should commemorate this win with a tattoo. Then in my dream I woke up in the morning with a huge tattoo of a slot machine covering my entire forearm with "This girl won $600,000!" tattooed under it. I was like OH SHIT! At least it didn't say "Who has two thumbs and won $600,000?" Very strange dream!

My letter to Willie Nelson

I am going to send this letter to Willie Nelson next week. If you can think of anything else I should add, please post it in the comments for consideration.

Dear Willie Nelson,

My name is Ashley and I am 26 years old. I am recently married and live in a suburb of Seattle Washington called Bellevue. I read somewhere that you used to have a radio show in Vancouver Washington, so maybe you are familiar with the area.

Wow – I have never written to a celebrity before! Let me start by saying how much I appreciate all that you do for the people of this county, first and foremost with Farm Aid. I try to support that effort by buying goods from farmers directly at our local farmer’s market. We even bought the flowers for our wedding strait from a family farm.

I am writing to you because I would like to invite you to my 27th birthday party. For a long time now I have said that if I win the lotto, finding a way to get Willie Nelson to come to my birthday party would be the first thing I would do, maybe by making a big donation to one of your favorite charities. I guess most people day dream about buying a yacht or a gigantic house or something. Well, here I am at 26 and a half, and I have still not won the lotto and I don’t see a big donation in my future. Oh well. So I figured I would write to you and just invite you to my birthday party which will be held on Saturday, March 10th, 2007 at 8:00 PM at our house (address below) on the off chance that you would be in the area and able to make it.

I have liked your music since I was a kid. I grew up listening to you and one of my favorite memories of childhood is my step-mom singing Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys to me. My husband D**** and I saw you at Farm Aid at the White River Amphitheater a while back and it was a great show. We also enjoyed watching your son’s performance – he sure is talented.

I watched your biography a while back and I was so impressed to learn that when you were just starting out you would pawn your guitar on Monday and buy it back by Friday when you got an advance on a weekend show. That’s true dedication and I for one am glad that you stuck with it. If every person in the world put that much effort into solving just one problem, it would be a much better place to live.

If someone were to ask me to name my five favorite songs of all time, my list would include at least three and maybe even four of your songs. Every time we drive my car somewhere my husband says “Don’t you ever change your CD?”

Willie, I hope you can make it to my birthday party – it would mean the world to me and my whole family but I also understand you are a busy person who travels a lot. Thank you for your time.

P.S. I have also included a wedding picture with you Photoshoped in.

Warm Regards,

__________________________
Ashley *. *****

***** ** **** **.
Bellevue, WA 98004

***-***-****

(* = content removed for the blog post.)

Friday Police Action

On Friday I was at the gym working out and there were two teenagers making out in front of the gym. My gym is right by a 7-11 so there are always teenagers hanging out there. The owner of the gym is this really funny lady from East L.A. She is super nice, but I wouldn't mess with her. She spots the teens making out and walks out there and says "Can I help you with something?" they ignore her so she says "Hey, your making out right in front of my no loitering sign, move it somewhere else!" The guy goes "If you want us to move you should just say, get the fuck out of here." So she says "I was trying to be nice, but OK, get the FUCK out of here." So they walk across the street to where some other teenagers are hanging out.

A few moments later the teenage girl comes running towards the 7-11 holding her face and the boy is following her. He has taken off his white shirt and is wearing a gray tank top now. I guess he was trying to change how he looked cause someone probably called the cops when he smacked his girlfriend.

Fast forward 30 seconds: The cops show up and he starts to run a little. They tackle him face first onto the ground and pull their GUNS on this guy! Freaking GUNS! That was kind of crazy.

They cuff him and push him up against the cop car to search him. This is where things get REALLY FUNNY! He's one of these gangster type kids with his pants hanging dangerously low on his ass. The cops are checking his pockets and HIS PANTS FALL OFF!!!! Ha ha haaaaaaaaaa! Pantless criminal!!!!

My Furry Baby

On Tuesday DK and I went to the airport and when we got back an hour later Fuzzy was limping pretty badly. We were worried, but figured that she just pulled a muscle or something and that we would give it a day or so and see if she got better.

On Wednesday morning when I left for work she was sleeping in my closet in her normal spot. I called the vet and they agreed with our opinion that we should give it a day and see how it goes. When I got home from work that day she was still in the same spot. I wanted to see how she was walking but since she didn't look like she was going to go anywhere I had to come up with a plan.

There is one thing that Fuzzy loves more than anything in the world and that is a treat. We give our cats wet food as a treat every Sunday because they only get dry food normally. Usually Fuzzy gets so excited about treats that when she hears the clank of their treat bowls she comes running and stands on her hind legs and waits for me to serve it up. Sometimes I feel bad because I am putting away the dishes and she hears the clank noise and comes running. I give her most of the sauce and a small amount of chunks and Chloe gets less sauce and more chunks. They both seem to like it that way. So in an effort to get Fuzzy moving I grabbed their bowls, clanked them loudly, made a big spectacle of opening the can and kept calling Fuzzy and telling her that it was treat time.

No response from the closet. I walk into the bedroom with her bowl and showed it to her. She meowed and just laid her head back down. I set the bowl down in the hall and called her again. She limped out slowly and stopped about 3 feet from the bowl and made a few jerky movements towards it but didn't move forward at all. That's when my OH SHIT alarm went off. Fuzzy not taking her treat with extra sauce!

I called the vet again and told them that I wanted to bring her in right now because I know something is seriously wrong with her. They said that someone had just brought there cat in that got hit by a car and they would not be able to see Fuzzy that night. They could take her, but the vet wouldn't be able to see her until the morning. I decided it would be better to keep her at home than make her sleep at the vet because even though they are really nice people she HATES them because every time she goes in there she gets a shot or blood drawn on a thermometer up her butt! I made an appointment for her for 8:30 AM. I figured I would check on her again in an hour or two and then DK and I could decide if she should go to the emergency vet.

A couple of hours passed and she seemed to be doing ok, maybe even a little bit better so we decided to take her to her regular vet in the AM. When we got there this morning she was being a very bad kitty. She was squirming all around when he was trying to check out her leg, between the two of us, one professionally trained at holding cats down and me, who is just used to my crazy cat, we could not hold down a 12 pound cat. The vet said that he would need to sedate her and take the x-rays and keep her for most of the day today.

He called about an hour ago with the news. Fuzzy tore (badly) the ligament in her knee. She gets to have surgery next week and we of course get to pay for it. (I would pay anything for my cats.) It will be a 3 month recovery. I feel so bad for her. Poor baby.

UPDATE: It will be a 2 - 3 month recovery. When the vet told me that I just thought: OK, that's how long it will take until she is up to full speed again. WRONG!!!! That means that she has to LIVE in a CRATE for 2 - 3 months. That is worse than the surgery!

So even if she has torn you open in the past and I know there are a lot of you, think good thoughts for her because her leg really hurts and she must be really scared. It is almost more than I can take to bring her to the vet once a year, so three times in one month is terrible.

October Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
CN - 10/4
KH - 10/5
LC - 10/5
AW - 10/14
SB - 10/21
TS - 10/31

Happy Anniversary to:
M & KH - 10/24 - 3 Years!