Pardon me...

I don't know why I was just thinking about this, but it is funny as hell!

A few weeks ago I was driving somewhere with Chris, Bri and DK. We are at a stop light and Chris rolls down his window and asks the guy in the car next to us "Pardon me, would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?" The guy just looked at us funny - it would have been great if he said in a British accent "But of course" but he didn't.

Next time I see someone in a Rolls Royce I am totally going to ask them that. If for some reason I ever end up with a Rolls Royce I am going to keep a jar of Grey Poupon in the glove box just in case someone asks me. Then I could hold the jar out the window and say "But of course!"

My New 80's-tastic License

I have been meaning to get a new license with my new name on it for a while. A couple of years ago I decided that the next time I got a new license I was going to dress up and make the picture 80's-tastic! Well folks - I have done it! I came home and took a few pictures for all of you to enjoy! P.S. Do you know how hard it is to find a crimping iron in 2006? I had to call or go to 5 stores to find one!

This was how I posed at first, but the DOL guy said I couldn't have my finger in the picture. Too bad - it looks like a total glamour shot!


So the final picture looks very similar to this one. I can't wait to get the full color version in the mail in about a week!

Food Lifeline

Did you know that for $11 you can buy 55 Thanksgiving meals for hungry people in Western Washington?

Recently I received something in the mail from Food Lifeline and I was really impressed with what I read. For starters, the fact that they can do so much with such a small donation is impressive. For every $1 donated, Food Lifeline provides $9 worth of food for hungry people. Also, 96% of all donations go directly to feeding hungry people and only 4% goes to administrative fees. That is a very impressive ratio.

Thanksgiving is coming up and with $11 you can:

• buy 3 lattes
• buy less than 2 packs of cigarettes
• pay to park downtown
• eat breakfast at Chase's Pancake Corral
• pay for 1/3 of a cab ride from Pioneer Square to my house

- OR -

PAY FOR 55 THANKSGIVING MEALS FOR HUNGRY PEOPLE!

Please visit their web site to make a tax deductible donation!
Hey, would you rather give that money to the government or people who really need it to do good in our community?

Halloween is upon us

With Halloween just around the corner I thought I would share a funny story from last Halloween.

We had a party at our house, which we usually do. We had the yard all decorated as a graveyard with Nuclear Toast's awesome decorations that he gave us when he moved. We had all of the tombstones set up (about 15 or 20) and lots of cool jack-o-lanterns and mannequins dressed as Dracula, Frankenstein, etc. We even saved up all of the leaves that we raked and put mannequin legs sticking out of the ground with the leaves around them so it looked like a corpse was going to pop out of the ground at any minute just like in Thriller!

Everyone was pretty inebriated and there were really two moods going on at the party. There was the mellow group listening to one of our friends play guitar and sing and then there was what I now call drunken debauchery team one. I was a part of the latter.

Bri was sitting with the mellow group and as she looked out our front window she saw DK run by waving a set of mannequin legs in the air and Chris right behind him in hot pursuit. She thought to herself - Damn, Ashley is going to be pissed at them. At that moment I ran by carrying a pumpkin and SMASHED it in the driveway - pumpkin flying everywhere. Chris and DK were breaking whisky bottles on the rockery and I was trashing every pumpkin I could find, on the driveway, in the yard, in the street - pumpkin everywhere!

The next day we woke up and went out front to survey the damage. There was of course smashed pumpkin everywhere, including on the roof along with a mannequin head, and broken bottles everywhere. DK started to clean up and a neighbor walked by. DK shook his head and shrugged his shoulders kind of like "Damn, those teenagers got us again!"

Fun times, fun times!

This year we are going to go all out with the decorations and put signs up at the main road to lure trick-or-treaters down to our graveyard of Halloween horrors!

It's legal!

Today I went to court and legally changed my name! When the judge called me up to the table with the microphone and asked me if I was petitioning to change my name I wanted to scream "I OBJECT" so badly, but I figured he wouldn't think it was as funny as I did. Also, he yelled at someone for wearing a hat in court. Luckily he didn’t yell at me for wearing my pajama sweat suit.

My crazy night in Vegas

I had a crazy dream last night and I thought I would share it with all of you. I dreamt that I was in Vegas and won a lot of money on a slot machine. I do play slots sometimes in Vegas, but only Lobster Mania because it plays the B52's Rock Lobster when you win and Wheel of Fortune because well, spinning the wheel is fun! Back to my dream: So in my dream I had been drinking when I won big on the slot. So I decided that I should commemorate this win with a tattoo. Then in my dream I woke up in the morning with a huge tattoo of a slot machine covering my entire forearm with "This girl won $600,000!" tattooed under it. I was like OH SHIT! At least it didn't say "Who has two thumbs and won $600,000?" Very strange dream!

My letter to Willie Nelson

I am going to send this letter to Willie Nelson next week. If you can think of anything else I should add, please post it in the comments for consideration.

Dear Willie Nelson,

My name is Ashley and I am 26 years old. I am recently married and live in a suburb of Seattle Washington called Bellevue. I read somewhere that you used to have a radio show in Vancouver Washington, so maybe you are familiar with the area.

Wow – I have never written to a celebrity before! Let me start by saying how much I appreciate all that you do for the people of this county, first and foremost with Farm Aid. I try to support that effort by buying goods from farmers directly at our local farmer’s market. We even bought the flowers for our wedding strait from a family farm.

I am writing to you because I would like to invite you to my 27th birthday party. For a long time now I have said that if I win the lotto, finding a way to get Willie Nelson to come to my birthday party would be the first thing I would do, maybe by making a big donation to one of your favorite charities. I guess most people day dream about buying a yacht or a gigantic house or something. Well, here I am at 26 and a half, and I have still not won the lotto and I don’t see a big donation in my future. Oh well. So I figured I would write to you and just invite you to my birthday party which will be held on Saturday, March 10th, 2007 at 8:00 PM at our house (address below) on the off chance that you would be in the area and able to make it.

I have liked your music since I was a kid. I grew up listening to you and one of my favorite memories of childhood is my step-mom singing Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys to me. My husband D**** and I saw you at Farm Aid at the White River Amphitheater a while back and it was a great show. We also enjoyed watching your son’s performance – he sure is talented.

I watched your biography a while back and I was so impressed to learn that when you were just starting out you would pawn your guitar on Monday and buy it back by Friday when you got an advance on a weekend show. That’s true dedication and I for one am glad that you stuck with it. If every person in the world put that much effort into solving just one problem, it would be a much better place to live.

If someone were to ask me to name my five favorite songs of all time, my list would include at least three and maybe even four of your songs. Every time we drive my car somewhere my husband says “Don’t you ever change your CD?”

Willie, I hope you can make it to my birthday party – it would mean the world to me and my whole family but I also understand you are a busy person who travels a lot. Thank you for your time.

P.S. I have also included a wedding picture with you Photoshoped in.

Warm Regards,

__________________________
Ashley *. *****

***** ** **** **.
Bellevue, WA 98004

***-***-****

(* = content removed for the blog post.)

Friday Police Action

On Friday I was at the gym working out and there were two teenagers making out in front of the gym. My gym is right by a 7-11 so there are always teenagers hanging out there. The owner of the gym is this really funny lady from East L.A. She is super nice, but I wouldn't mess with her. She spots the teens making out and walks out there and says "Can I help you with something?" they ignore her so she says "Hey, your making out right in front of my no loitering sign, move it somewhere else!" The guy goes "If you want us to move you should just say, get the fuck out of here." So she says "I was trying to be nice, but OK, get the FUCK out of here." So they walk across the street to where some other teenagers are hanging out.

A few moments later the teenage girl comes running towards the 7-11 holding her face and the boy is following her. He has taken off his white shirt and is wearing a gray tank top now. I guess he was trying to change how he looked cause someone probably called the cops when he smacked his girlfriend.

Fast forward 30 seconds: The cops show up and he starts to run a little. They tackle him face first onto the ground and pull their GUNS on this guy! Freaking GUNS! That was kind of crazy.

They cuff him and push him up against the cop car to search him. This is where things get REALLY FUNNY! He's one of these gangster type kids with his pants hanging dangerously low on his ass. The cops are checking his pockets and HIS PANTS FALL OFF!!!! Ha ha haaaaaaaaaa! Pantless criminal!!!!

My Furry Baby

On Tuesday DK and I went to the airport and when we got back an hour later Fuzzy was limping pretty badly. We were worried, but figured that she just pulled a muscle or something and that we would give it a day or so and see if she got better.

On Wednesday morning when I left for work she was sleeping in my closet in her normal spot. I called the vet and they agreed with our opinion that we should give it a day and see how it goes. When I got home from work that day she was still in the same spot. I wanted to see how she was walking but since she didn't look like she was going to go anywhere I had to come up with a plan.

There is one thing that Fuzzy loves more than anything in the world and that is a treat. We give our cats wet food as a treat every Sunday because they only get dry food normally. Usually Fuzzy gets so excited about treats that when she hears the clank of their treat bowls she comes running and stands on her hind legs and waits for me to serve it up. Sometimes I feel bad because I am putting away the dishes and she hears the clank noise and comes running. I give her most of the sauce and a small amount of chunks and Chloe gets less sauce and more chunks. They both seem to like it that way. So in an effort to get Fuzzy moving I grabbed their bowls, clanked them loudly, made a big spectacle of opening the can and kept calling Fuzzy and telling her that it was treat time.

No response from the closet. I walk into the bedroom with her bowl and showed it to her. She meowed and just laid her head back down. I set the bowl down in the hall and called her again. She limped out slowly and stopped about 3 feet from the bowl and made a few jerky movements towards it but didn't move forward at all. That's when my OH SHIT alarm went off. Fuzzy not taking her treat with extra sauce!

I called the vet again and told them that I wanted to bring her in right now because I know something is seriously wrong with her. They said that someone had just brought there cat in that got hit by a car and they would not be able to see Fuzzy that night. They could take her, but the vet wouldn't be able to see her until the morning. I decided it would be better to keep her at home than make her sleep at the vet because even though they are really nice people she HATES them because every time she goes in there she gets a shot or blood drawn on a thermometer up her butt! I made an appointment for her for 8:30 AM. I figured I would check on her again in an hour or two and then DK and I could decide if she should go to the emergency vet.

A couple of hours passed and she seemed to be doing ok, maybe even a little bit better so we decided to take her to her regular vet in the AM. When we got there this morning she was being a very bad kitty. She was squirming all around when he was trying to check out her leg, between the two of us, one professionally trained at holding cats down and me, who is just used to my crazy cat, we could not hold down a 12 pound cat. The vet said that he would need to sedate her and take the x-rays and keep her for most of the day today.

He called about an hour ago with the news. Fuzzy tore (badly) the ligament in her knee. She gets to have surgery next week and we of course get to pay for it. (I would pay anything for my cats.) It will be a 3 month recovery. I feel so bad for her. Poor baby.

UPDATE: It will be a 2 - 3 month recovery. When the vet told me that I just thought: OK, that's how long it will take until she is up to full speed again. WRONG!!!! That means that she has to LIVE in a CRATE for 2 - 3 months. That is worse than the surgery!

So even if she has torn you open in the past and I know there are a lot of you, think good thoughts for her because her leg really hurts and she must be really scared. It is almost more than I can take to bring her to the vet once a year, so three times in one month is terrible.

October Announcements

Happy Birthday to:
CN - 10/4
KH - 10/5
LC - 10/5
AW - 10/14
SB - 10/21
TS - 10/31

Happy Anniversary to:
M & KH - 10/24 - 3 Years!

Johnny Depp, Tattoos & It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Did you know that Johnny Depp used to have a tattoo that said "Winona Forever"? As in Winona Ryder. First of all, why would anyone name their kid Winona? Poor girl - if that were my name I might go shoplift crap too. I like Johnny Depp - I think he is creative. He had his tattoo changed to "Wino Forever"!!!! Awesome! The Winona Forever part must have fallen under the good old "It seemed like a good idea at the time" category. I have a whole list of things that I can say that about but fortunately none of them are permanently carved and inked on my body.

Repeat after me everyone - I will never get anyone's name tattooed on my body! (I will make an exception for one of my friends, she knows who she is!) This should be common sense for most people but for some reason people still do it. The only thing that I think is kind of OK is getting your kid's name tattooed on you, but then again that can go terribly wrong too. Do you think Ted Bundy's mom wishes she had gotten his name etched on her? I think not! Interesting story because for a number of years Ted Bundy believed that his mom was really his sister. She was way too young and unmarried when she had him so the family passed baby Ted off as her brother, not her son. Note to women around the world: If you are young, wild and crazy and your family sends you on a 9 month vacation, everyone knows you got knocked up! It's really not a secret at all.

Back to tattoos and moms: When I got my first tattoo I thought about getting Mom inside of a heart. Why? Well, of course I love my mom, but also how could she get mad at me for getting that? Luckily I decided against it and got a moon with a red eye on my stomach instead. I was the only kid in middle school with a tattoo! There I go setting records again!

For years I have also wanted to get a large hula dancer, think 3x8 inches tattooed on the inside of my arm upside down so that her feet start in my armpit and her head is roughly at my elbow. That way when I lifted my arm up and flexed she would be right side up and dancing! Why? I have no idea. I have wanted that since I was a kid - maybe I saw it on TV or something.

Snake Infestation

From the AP:

Idaho couple's home infested with snakes

WILFORD, Idaho - The Hepworths knew the house would require some maintenance. But they never thought they'd need a snake charmer. Shortly after Lyman and Jeanine Hepworth began working on a rundown property outside of town, they experienced a trauma more fit for Samuel L. Jackson's character in "Snakes on a Plane" than a pair of eastern Idaho do-it-yourselfers.

Snakes fell on Lyman Hepworth's head when he opened the door to a pump house near the small house the couple planned to buy.

"When it warmed up, we walked onto the yard and the whole yard moved," Jeanine Hepworth told the Rexburg Standard Journal.

One day, Lyman Hepworth reached to turn on a light and discovered the pull cord was actually a snake.

Read the whole article here.

So Sorry

I am so sorry to everyone at Safeco last night that did not see me streak across the field. If it didn't require a night in jail I would totally do it, in a heartbeat and I would slap Sexson's ass run-by style and maybe the moose too. I am 26 and have never spent a night in jail or been convicted of anything. A little part of me thinks, hey you might as well just get it out of the way and what better way to do it than to run naked across the field at Safeco?

Shadrac my Pathfinder, I am so sorry that the doughnut bandit struck again. At this rate by next weekend you will have no tires left and the whole town will be covered in burnt rubber marks.

Neighbors, I am so sorry if you saw us streaking past your house last night. It seemed like a good idea since we missed our big chance at Safeco. That'll teach you to look out the window after dark huh?

I still need to see Little Miss Sunshine

I STILL have not seen Little Miss Sunshine! Maybe DK and I will go this weekend and see a matinee so we can avoid all of the annoying teenagers and save a few bucks. Wow - we really are an old married couple now!

This morning on my way to work I sat on 148th for around 45 minutes in traffic. That sucked, but to my delight the people stuck in traffic next to me were a really nice couple with an awesome bumble! I have seen it before at the Wagon Shop where I take my Bumble to see Dr. Carl and Dr. Calvin. It is painted like a globe with a trail of words all around it. It has a cool clown type horn mounted on the driver door so he can roll down his window and squeeze it! Best of all he has a mega phone mounted to the outside and a CB radio type hand piece inside so he can drive along and talk to people at an incredibly high volume! I NEED THAT! First I need to look it up and make sure it isn't against the law because the last thing I need is another reason for the cops to pull me over in Bumble. It already screams "I HAVE WEED, PULL ME OVER!" (I do not) but if I had the mega phone I could scream "I HAVE WEED, PULL ME OVER!" (I do not.)

You have gotta see this brown Bumble catch some air off a jump.


Please compare.

My Bumble: (Push start not required!)


The Famous Movie Star Bumble:


Related Posts:
Little Miss Sunshine - 7/19/06
Camping - 6/14/06
Cars and Bumble Love - 4/17/06
Wanted: Pop Rivet Gun - 3/22/06
Shiny New Things - 3/2/06
Watch Out Bitches! - 2/28/06
Smoking & Bumble - 2/16/06

Man plummets 50 feet to grab missing $20

From the AP:

PALMETTO, Fla. - Mark Giorgio figured a 50-foot fall was worth $20. Giorgio, 47, was counting his money Monday while walking across the U.S. 41 bridge over the Manatee River when a $20 bill blew out of his hand and flew over the rail.

He followed. And plummeted 50 feet into the river.

Then he swam about 100 yards to fish the bill from the water.

"I got my money back, hell yeah," Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. "Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you're broke."

He was fished from the water by a passing Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer. Giorgio, who said he was already suffering from a broken collarbone, refused treatment for cuts and scrapes he suffered in the fall.

Cool Site

Ok - So I hate 2 things more than almost anything in this world... Gifuckinggantic-gas-guzzeling SUVs, Hummers in particular and popups. But the other day I stumbled upon this Hummer popup and was impressed with it so I thought I would pass it along.

• Go to this link and click on the Enter Site button: http://www.hummer.com/itsnotmagic/
• Check out how the magician stretches the popup for you.
• Once the intro has finished, click on the magician and he will do tricks with your mouse.
• Also, I have to say that the videos (commercials) are pretty funny.

Cup O Noodle

The other day at the store I was so excited to find a "Vegetable Style Instant Noodle Soup" in other words a generic vegetarian version of good old Cup O Noodle! I tried one for lunch today and I have to say it was good but I was a little disappointed.

First of all, I didn't stir it well enough (my fault, I know) so the broth on top was a little watery and the broth at the bottom was a little too salty.

They need to improve their cup strength because almost immediately I poked a hole in the cup with my fork and had to eat fast until I got the broth level lower than the hole so that it wouldn't spill all over my desk.

Also, the picture on the label shows a steaming cup of noodles LOADED with peas, corn and carrot pieces. Mine had ONLY TWO peas and MAYBE FIVE carrot pieces max, I didn't count the carrots and NO CORN!!! So that's the report.

I am now having a cup of hot chocolate for dessert.

Note: the soup in the picture is the Tomato Beef style which I of course did not try, but the picture is exactly the same as the one I did try.

Bad Adults

• Bad adults drink Jägermeister before breakfast.
• Bad adults get drunk at the Hawks game on a Sunday.
• Bad adults get into the hot tub on a Sunday night with a bunch of beer and a box of wine when they know they have to go to work in 10 hours.
• Bad adults drive to Wendy's in their underwear on a Sunday night at 10:30 with an open bottle of wine (not the driver I might add.)
• Bad adults have a compulsive urge to do doughnuts in parking lots.
• Bad adults pass out on the couch with a frosty and wake up at 3:00 am on Monday morning hating life with their contacts glued to their eyes.
• Bad adults get beat up by a Yeti and told they are bad adults.

Please feel free to comment with your own bad adult description. :)

Dog the Bounty Hunter

So it's after 1 AM and I just watched a few minutes of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Bri and I were in the hot tub for a few hours and then went out for Taco Bell, then I went and did doughnuts in the middle school parking lot, DAMN I LOVE DOUGHNUTS, THE CAR TYPE AS WELL AS THE SUGGARY TYPE. My husband is out playing cards. Dog looks like a modern day HEMAN!!!! They just busted some guy with over $10k worth of Meth, nice. A few good quotes from Dog: (Speaking at a public elementary school) What does school get you? Success!! If not, you go to jail!!! May God have mercy 'casue Dog will not!!

Drunken Debauchery Team One

As many of you know Small Fish and I got married on 9/3/06! The next morning we received this email from one of our best friends and groomsman Chris. Please enjoy and post a comment encouraging Chris to start his own blog called Drunken Debauchery Team One.

Thanks,
Ash

From: Chris
Sent: Monday, September 4, 2006 3:16 AM
To: Small Fish, Ash
Subject: the Drunk message

Well it's 3o'clock in the morning of your wedding and I drunk as shit. So lets give a recap. Bri and I end up going t the pub in La Conner were they serve us one Drink then kick us out, Justin, I think maybe the other brother sing take my breath Way in the streets of La Conner,. Then we end up in the PIMP SUITE. Kevin ( the random guy) passes out in Delo's bed. so we end up talking him to Alex's room with all the other drunk people. Jim oh Jim did not know what hit him. Delo and I Strip and whip the boy into the best position for a drunk boy from Alabama. Ending the night with a 20 minute smoke talk about how cool you both are. Now I am back in my hotel room listening to Bri snoring and Fresh prince is playing . I love the both of you

From a drunk Bastard in La Conner
Chris