The South with a capital S

We are home safe and sound from North Carolina. It was a good trip. We got to spend lots of time with family. The kids totally wore me out, but in a good way that I miss already. We stayed in a nice hotel that had a wine bar! Our room had an L-shaped couch, a big plasma TV and a comfy bed with nice sheets, so I was very happy.

A northwestern girl’s impressions of the South:

• People are very nice, friendly and polite


• Homes are beautiful


• People drive fast


• It’s hot (but I did really well, I didn’t even get a heat rash)


• The vegetables are overcooked

A couple of funny stories:

Amerikan
One evening DK was out having a guy’s night with his brother. I decided to stay at the hotel and enjoy a few (maybe a few too many) glasses of wine and watch a three hour Law and Order marathon. I went outside for a smoke break (I know, I know, I am quitting soon!) and noticed a taxi from the “Amerikan” cab company. I grabbed my cell to take a picture and of course the cab driver walks out of the hotel and spots me. He informed me that he decided to spell American that way because he is an Obama supporter and he is ready for change. Although that was refreshing, I am not sure that was the true reason for the spelling. (Very blurry photo above.)

Abe Lincoln’s Cabin
While at the Raleigh/Durham airport, again I was outside smoking (I know, I know, I am quitting soon!) and a little old man drove up in his truck and parked next to the smoking area. I was reading my magazine but kind of keeping an eye on him. He was looking really closely at the ground and moving in a grid-like pattern. He noticed me looking at him and started talking to me. It was hard to make out everything he was saying because he spoke softly with a heavy accent and the background noise was loud, but I did catch that he had been coming to the airport smoking section every Wednesday for a long time looking for used wooden matches.

He informed me that he is building a small scale replica of Abe Lincoln’s cabin out of wooden matchsticks and the airport smoking area is his prime hunting ground. He said that it’s always windy on that side of the airport, so he has to look in the seams in the concrete because the match sticks usually roll in there. He found one. One. I asked if he had considered buying a box of matches. That way they would still have their little flammable tops on them and when he was all done he could light the little cabin on fire and watch the match tops flame up. My suggestion fell on deaf ears, literally.

Treadmill Cats

My brother Ty sent this to me. I need to train our chubby cat Chloe to do this!

The Zzzz Doctor

Some of you know that I have been having a lot of problems sleeping. It’s really easy for me to fall asleep, but I cannot stay asleep. I usually fall asleep around 10:00 pm and my alarm goes off at 7:30 am. That is 9.5 hours of “sleep” and still I am not rested. I fall asleep a lot at my friends’ houses and at home when I don’t want to fall asleep.

It’s an absolute miracle if I can sleep through the night and it’s a good night if I only wake up once. Most nights, I toss and turn, wake up a lot and have trouble getting back to sleep. DK said he thinks he has heard me gasp for air when I wake up. Not good.

For about a year now I have been really tired and I rarely ever wake up feeling rested. I didn’t do anything about this sooner because I didn’t really know how bad it was until DK told me that one night he was awake a lot and couldn’t believe how I was sleeping. Some of the time I know I am partly awake, but not really conscious. So I can only assume that the sleep I am getting is not good quality sleep.

I went to my doctor yesterday to see what we could do about it. I am not interested in taking sleeping pills, I think doing so would only cover up the symptoms and wouldn’t actually solve the problem. According to her, I have the classic symptoms of a sleep disorder or sleep apnea. Fun stuff.

I have an appointment scheduled for the end of May (first available) to go for an initial consultation with a sleep specialist that my doctor recommended. At that appointment they will listen to me talk about my symptoms and talk to me about staying for an overnight sleep study. I know a little about these sleep studies because my friend M.S. had to do one. They hook you up to a bunch of shit and measure things all night. It kind of freaks me out to sleep in a strange place, by myself with wires hooked all over me and people watching and listening to me. I know they won’t let me bring my husband with me, so I am going to see if I can bring my yeti Abe.

What not to do when stealing a purse

File under: "fucking dumbass!"

Police: Suspect poses for photo with women shortly before robbing them.

Read it here.

Insane celebrities

What is wrong with these people?

Mariah Carey& Nick Cannon wed (& get tattoos)…
People says they've needled on tattoos, with Mariah opting to emblazon her back with "Mrs. Cannon”…
Source.

Jamie Lynn Spears on her baby shower and why certain people where invited…
"There were mainly people her [Mom Lynn’s] age so that way they could get me all the important stuff I need," admits a surprisingly practical Jamie Lynn. "The people my age ... got me the cute stuff."
Source.

Google Sabotage Team?

Jeffstown

More on the FLDS in Eldorado, Texas...

The FLDS public relations blitz has begun! Frankly, I am surprised it didn’t happen sooner.

One thing to remember about the FLDS is that they have a ton of money and lawyers. The land alone in their trust (the United Effort Plan) is estimated to be worth over $100 million.

In addition to granting reporters interviews and access to the YFZ compound in Eldorado, Texas, the FLDS has established a website aiming to garner public sympathy for their situation as well as gather monetary donations for their legal battle.

While browsing through their site, I noticed a video titled "Happy children at the ranch". In this video, you see numerous photos of the same little FLDS girl who strongly resembles Warren Jeffs. (Example below.)

Little FLDS girl (Mini-Jeffs?) / Warren Jeffs (Baby-daddy?)

As reported by the media, Warren Jeffs, FLDS prophet (currently serving two consecutive sentences of 5 years to life in a Utah prison and awaiting charges in Arizona) built the YFZ compound to house the chosen people from the larger FLDS community in Hildale, UT and Colorado City, AZ. Would his family* be included in this chosen group? My guess is YES! Where better to leave your family when you are on the run from the Feds courtesy of the FBI's most wanted list or in prison?

*It is estimated that Warren Jeffs has between 40 and 70 “wives” (approximately 12 of these women were married to his father, Rulon Jeffs – say it with me folks… YUUUUUCK!) and around 56 children. Source = about.com.

So my question is: Does the state of Texas have any of Warren Jeffs’ 56 children in custody? I think it’s quite likely and if so I am shocked that the media hasn’t grabbed onto that story like a rabid pitbull on a rump roast. Maybe no one is sure yet because of all of the DNA testing they still need to run to confirm family relationships.

This one's for Brent

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Großer Wagen* the brightest stars of Ursa Major

I have this odd configuration of freckles on my arm. A few years ago, I realized that if I added two freckles, I would have the big dipper on my arm. Last week I had those two freckles tattooed on…

Viola! I now have a freckled big dipper on my arm! My fake freckles are healing nicely and once they are fully healed, I think they will be a perfect match. Right now they are a little too dark, but that's just the scabbing.

* Germans call the big dipper "Großer Wagen", which translates to "Great Cart" in english.

New template...

same great blog!

I had to switch it up a little. I was tired of my old polkadot template that I had on this blog since it was created. Do you like it?

The cell phone assassin

Today at work I saw this guy walking out the door as I was walking in. He had his hands full and his cell phone in his mouth. Yes, in his mouth.*

Being the smart ass that I am, I said "Mmmmm, that cell phone looks delicious!!"

He laughed, thus opening his mouth, and his cell phone hit the pavement. It was in 3 pieces. Oops. I feel bad. Who knew you could break a cell phone with humor?

*See Nuclear Toast's blog post about dirty cell phones.

The FLDS - Your tax dollars at work

This makes me really, really mad. Not only have members of the FLDS taken massive amounts of our tax dollars in the form of welfare, but they also use government contracts to fill their bank accounts!

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Excerpt from CNN.com...

A company founded and run by members of the [FLDS] church received more than $1.1 million in government contracts between 2003-2007, a federal online database shows. Most of that money was spent by the Department of Defense on aircraft wheel and brake parts.

NewEra Manufacturing's president and CEO is John Wayman, a sect member who runs the Las Vegas, Nevada, business. NewEra was previously known as Western Precision Inc. and based in Hildale, Utah, where thousands of church members live.

In a 2005 affidavit filed with a Utah lawsuit, former church member and Western Precision worker John Nielsen said workers were underpaid or not paid at all for work they did because they were told their time and earnings were being donated to the church.

Source.

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Previous posts on polygamy.

Craig's List Crazies

We are selling a few things on Craig's List. One item that we have listed for sale is our giant, old TV. Used, on Amazon it is listed for $499. We are offering it at $200. This is an email I just got from an interested buyer:

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Will you take less, I’m unemployed at this time? Or perhaps I can do some work, handyman stuff?

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Ummm… NO! Are you effing kidding me? What don’t you understand about “$200 cash”? Plus, why do you need a new TV if you are unemployed?!?! No joke, this guy’s email is “smartestpersonuknow@****.***”.

Spontaneous Coworker Combustion

The guy in the office across the hall from me smokes a pipe. I smelled something burning so I went over there to see if he could smell it to. His office was empty, but the smell was really strong in there. I was thinking that maybe I should call the front desk or pull the fire alarm (this building has a history of small electrical fires). A few seconds later, he comes strolling back down the hall with a big hole burned in the upper leg of his pants.

He had put his freshly smoked pipe in his pants pocket with a box of matches. He said about 10 minutes later a small fire ball erupted from his pocket, burning a hole in his pants and scorching his skin lightly. He had a cup of hot coffee on his desk so he doused his blazing pants with the hot coffee. Ouch.

I know its mean, but I had to laugh. I mean, he wasn't seriously hurt, so it was kind of funny.

Confession: Farts and Elevators

When I am in an elevator by myself, I try to squeeze out a fart. I think it’s funny that the next person who gets in has to smell it. I know it seems kind of mean, but I just can’t help myself. I figure if that’s the meanest thing I do, I am still a pretty nice person.

It makes me giggle out-loud when I think about it. I am giggling now.

P.S. This all started when I worked at a small company with Another Drunken Word. Back then I targeted my elevator farts at him, but now I do it to the general public.

Signed,
Serial Elevator Farter

Dear Abby April Fools (a little late I know!)

This was in Dear Abby on April Fools Day.

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DEAR ABBY: To say I am upset is an understatement. I have a terrible problem. My wife of 22 years, "Verna," was recently sentenced to 15 years in prison. Verna, you see, always programmed our VCR. As a result, I have no idea how to record my favorite sporting events.

I begged my daughter to show me how to operate the darned thing, but she's still mad at me because when she asked me if her blue blazer made her look fat, I replied: "No, I don't think your blazer makes you look fat. It's those double cheeseburgers you've been scarfing down two at a time that make you look so fat."

I'm thinking maybe if I run a personal ad in my local paper I could meet a nice lady and get my mind off all the sports I'm missing on TV. Here's how I plan to word it: "SWM seeking single female with lots of money and a fast car. Race, age and looks unimportant. Please send picture of car."

I know you get hundreds of letters every day with the same exact problems that I have, but please tell me what to do.

-- APRIL FOOL FROM FORT SMITH, ARK.

DEAR APRIL FOOL: People often ask me if I get made-up letters, and in honor of April Fools' Day, I am printing yours. By the way, forget about the personal ad. You have enough family problems already without revving up anyone else's engine.

The shit hits the fan in Texas

As you may know, I have very strong feelings about polygamy in general and specifically about polygamy and the FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints). I am sure some of you are surprised that I didn’t post earlier about last week’s raids in Eldorado, Texas.

In general, I support a person's right to choose how they want to live their lives, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I also feel very strongly that the government should butt-out of our personal lives and just let people be.

The reason I am so opposed to the way that sects like the FLDS practice polygamy is because of the widespread involvement of children.

The most recent news is that 416 children have been removed from an FLDS compound in Eldorado, Texas and put into state custody because it was deemed that they faced an imminent threat of physical and/or sexual abuse. 140 women left with them by choice.

The FLDS children are not educated to a level where they have the option of leaving the compound. If they do, they have nowhere to go, no skills for “the outside world”, and are far behind in their education. Add to this the total culture shock of different styles of dress, manners and behavior and the thought of leaving a compound is daunting to say the least.

The young girls are married off to much older husbands at puberty and systematically raped. Whether they say no or not, they are being raped because they are not old enough to legally consent to sex. Many of the husbands are old enough to be their grandfathers and in extreme cases, their great-grandfathers. But do they have any other choice? I don’t think so.

Think of how hard it would be to leave not only your family, but literally everyone and everything you have ever known. To know that you will never be able to come home or have contact with them as long as they are still a part of the FLDS. How hard would it be to leave the only way of life you have ever known and enter the “outsider’s world” where no one looks like you and everything is different and unfamiliar. People who you love and trust have told you horrible things about the outside world and with no knowledge of your own; it would be so easy to believe them. I consider myself to be a strong and independent person and I am not sure that I would be able to leave under such circumstances.

Adolescent boys are either groomed to take on many wives or are excommunicated from the compounds so that they don’t compete for wives with the old men in positions of authority. If a husband acts out against the leadership, he is excommunicated, evicted from his home and his wives and children are reassigned to another man.

This has all been happening right under our noses for decades (since the Short Creek raid in 1953) and until last week the government has done nothing about it. I hope that this triggers raids in the twin towns of Colorado City, Arizona and Hildale, Utah.

This is the first and probably the only time I will ever say "Way to go Texas!"

Recommended reading:

Under the Banner of Heaven, A Story of Violent Faith
Jon Krakauer

Shattered Dreams: My Life as a Polygamist's Wife
Irene Spencer

Escape (I haven't read this one yet, but I ordered it)
Carolyn Jessop and Laura Palmer

Texas Polygamy blog
A blog with posts and comments written by polygamists, non-polygamists and ex-polygamists. I found this blog to be fascinating. If you do visit the blog, please be respectful and do not leave rude or degrading comments.

The Hope Organization
The HOPE Organization is a non-profit group dedicated to assisting survivors of abuse within polygamous relationships on their courageous journey to personal freedom.

My previous posts can be found here.

Free Rice - fun & games

I tried to get NuclearToast to post this for his Friday game blog post, but his response was "NO HIPPIE GAMES" so I am going to post it here, because I allow hippie games!

Who knew that "sycophant" means "groveling flatterer"?!?!?

(I actually got that one right by process of elimination.)

What is FreeRice.com?

It's a super fun vocabulary game with a heart! I read about it in my Vegetarian Times magazine. Yes, we have our own magazine. :)

The game displays a word and 4 possible meanings. When you choose the correct meaning, they donate 20 grains of rice through the UN World Food Program. That may not seem like a lot of rice, but since October of 2007, they have donated 25,085,087,070 grains of rice!

FreeRice has two goals:

• Provide English vocabulary to everyone for free.
• Help end world hunger by providing rice to hungry people for free.

It's free and fun! Try it today!

Brackets

I am soooo excited! I just got an email from my husband about the standings in our bracket pool. I am in first place in our group. The points are really close, so anyone could still win!

My bracket is ranked 366th in the world for ESPN's bracket site. I know that doesn't sound great - to be in 366th place, but we think there are about 20 million brackets on that site!

And I didn't even use my old tried and true method of picking by mascots!

Gooooooooo Heels!

This one's for Bri

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